Intimacy with God is often written about and far less often achieved. I have sometimes found myself tempted to apologize for my relationship with God. People have, at times, told me that they have tried and tried to have a relationship with God. Somehow it never works out for them. They believe that God only speaks to some people regularly. I feel pressured for an explanation. I never know what to say to that. At least not to their faces. I know that God wants to have a relationship with anyone willing to have one with Him. He says so in the Bible, often enough. “Ask, and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock, and the door will be opened to you.” Matthew 7:7 isn’t a joke. But the operant words are “seek and knock.” So why do so many say they want a close relationship with God and yet seem unable to achieve it? Here are some real answers and suggestions about how to change it. 1: Intimacy with God requires the capacity for emotional intimacy. Here is the Wikipedia definition of emotional intimacy: Emotional intimacy involves a perception of closeness to another that allows sharing of personal feelings, accompanied by expectations of understanding, affirmation, and demonstration of caring. I regularly hear men and women lamenting for a soul mate. My question to them is, are they capable of being a soul mate? What some mean by soul mate is a mate who will want all the things I want, the way I want them, and when I want them. But that is not a real relationship. That is narcissism, or wanting a replica of oneself. If we cannot experience love from others, we will find it challenging to experience it from God. If we can’t open up about ourselves, then opening up to God will be hard to achieve. I had to cultivate emotional intimacy with God single-mindedly. Gradually, I learned to practice that intimacy in a horizontal direction as well. I don’t think it matters who we develop it with first, people or God. But we must develop the capacity for authentic affection- both giving and receiving. I believe everyone has this capacity to some degree. I think it might just come down tho willingness. 2: Intimacy with God requires truth. Honesty is the cornerstone of all relationships. You can call it confession if you like, but we need to expose the truth about ourselves to our own self first, and then to God and others. I don’t think many find this easy. I didn’t. But if we feel ambivalent towards God, we need to admit that to ourselves and then to Him. For many, anger at God keeps them from coming close to Him. I know people even now who raise their metaphorical fists at the God who denied them what they wanted. But instead of working it out with Him, they mostly complain to whoever will listen. I find the best way to be truthful with myself, and God is to take the time to get to know myself. Self-awareness allows me to identify my feelings and beliefs, which I can then submit to the One who changes hearts and minds. I don’t have to change first. I have to be truthful first. If I feel abandoned, that needs to be acknowledged. Loneliness, poverty of spirit, anger, despair –  all these can be entrusted to God. But if we approach Him having suppressed our feelings, we do not approach in truth, but with our good person masks on. And again, I believe everyone can tell the truth, even about themselves. 3: We need to understand who God is to be in a relationship with Him. If we want to understand who God is, we cannot avoid reading the Bible. I notice that a lot of people misunderstand who Jesus is. For some, He is weak, a milquetoast God who likes to hold little lambs and is always nice. For others, He is still suffering and melancholy. We miscomprehend God the Father as well. He is harsh and distant, or benign and uninvolved. Usually, we can form a direct link from our fathers to our ideas about who God is or isn’t. But in reality, God is complex. His son, Jesus, no less so. Unless we understand who He is in the Bible, our perceptions of God will be static and inaccurate. We will be caught in the trap of praying, “Dear heavenly version of my earthly father.” And if we are praying to that God, the real one probably won’t answer. We need to talk to the real God, not the one we make up in our heads. If reading the Bible seems complicated, read around the Bible. I read a great many Christian authors who gave me a greater understanding of the Bible. Eventually, I learned to discern what it was saying for myself. 4: We don’t have to be anything we are not. Many of us think we need to bring many things to the table before God engages with us. The truth is that the only thing required of us is willingness. I have sent many prayer requests to God from the standpoint of desperation. Mired in various kinds of sin, I gave the Lord permission to change what I could not. He answered many prayers without judgment. Over time He changed me from the inside out. He gave me the courage to face the truth about who I was as well as the situation in which I found myself. I understand what I did not twenty years ago. I don’t have to be perfect. I don’t have to have all the right words, and God doesn’t require me to be strong. To be honest, I keep showing up day in and day out. I ask for forgiveness for the sins I know and revelation for the sins I am not aware of. I don’t judge myself because God doesn’t condemn me. This doesn’t mean I allow myself all manner of sins. Instead, my intimacy with Him comes at the cost of being comfortable with sin in my life. In my conversations with people, I have often noticed that many come with preconceived notions about how God speaks. But He is not restricted to Bible verses or sermons at the right time. He speaks through music, other Christians, in the deep places of our spirit, through pictures and words, even sometimes, though a quiet knowing. Don’t let your fear or circumstances cheat you of intimacy with God. Seek and knock until you find or the door is opened. Keep showing up. I promise He is already there. As an Amazon affiliate, I receive a small commission off purchases at no cost to you.   Depersonalization: Living Apart from Ourselves Emotional and Spiritual Wellness: Learning to Heal