I often wish I could erase my daughters’ memories of their narcissistic father. That my ex insisted on being called Daddy has always struck me as ironic because it connotes a closeness that did not exist.  My daughters’ grew to dislike the title, Daddy, so much they eventually began to refer to him by his first name as they got older. This was, of course, long after we had left. Even now, they refer to my husband, their step-father, by his name. The synonyms for father leave a bad taste in their mouth. So if you are not sure whether you had a narcissistic father, here are some typical characteristics of a dad whose primary focus was on himself rather than you. 1: A narcissistic father is the demi-god of the household. If everything in your house revolved around your dad, chances are he was a narc. Every last decision, down to the price we were allowed to pay for potatoes, came down to what my ex wanted. The girls fetched and carried for him, as did I. He did not do anything he did not want to and there was no room for disagreement. Despite the fact that I worked and he did not, he never helped around the house. He kept the girls and I busy keeping things to his exacting standards. He felt entitled to only the best, which included food that was his alone. He often bought food that the girls and I hated and insisted we eat it to save money. Meanwhile, much of the time, the good stuff was for him. A good father will often do without in order to supply needs for his children. A narcissistic father…not so much. 2: Daddy is rarely available. A narcissistic father is aloof and cold. He doesn’t give much affection and is quite distant most of the time. My ex had a large office in every home we ever lived in. He kept the door locked and even I couldn’t enter without his permission. It was a little like living with the Wizard of Oz. The voice would come thundering from behind the door, but we saw the actual person in fits and spurts. Now I am pretty sure he was hiding a porn addiction, but my ex often hid out for weeks at a time, only coming out with a list of demands for food and other necessities. Not that we minded.  It felt safer to have him in a room by himself. 3: A narcissistic father exhibits narcissistic rage. If your father has a temper, this doesn’t automatically land him in the category of NPD (narcissistic personality disorder). Raging at children and other family members is undoubtedly abusive… and narcissistic. But the narc’s rage is usually somewhat unpredictable. My own father rarely lost his temper. When he did, it was at inanimate objects that refused to work. And sometimes a temper is a sign of depression or even addiction in men. A narcissistic abuser uses unpredictable rages to sustain fear in his victims. And whereas my father, even when severely provoked by an uncooperative engine, never said mean things to us, a narc will focus on personal attacks. Most of us have a temper now and again. Few of us have narcissistic rages that flare out and burn everyone around us. Narcs go for the jugular and never miss. 4: Dad has a charismatic personality. If people are drawn to your father, or if he often has satellites orbiting his secure self-centered universe, he might be a narcissistic father. Narcissists thrive on admiration. They have to rely on rigid control within the family unit, however, because everybody there knows who he or she is. But I have had to learn to distrust charisma. If someone is really charming, they are probably dangerous. With a charismatic father, the irresistible pull draws in the children only to end abruptly. The mixed messages of feeling loved then rejected, and back around again, create in children an inability to trust. It can also result in being addicted to drama. Love isn’t love unless it is on and off again. A charismatic parent is rarely a stable one. 5: A narcissistic father is manipulative. For my girls, the tools he often used were mind games and threats alternating with declarations of affection. Eventually, we all shut down and just did what he wanted. It was easier than trying to figure out the constant manipulative moves. He would often promise our daughters’ some major gift with strings attached. Of course, they never could earn it. Somehow or another, they always ‘let him down’. Again, unpredictability is a great way to keep children on their toes. One moment cooking a great meal and the next shaming them over minor accidents, my ex kept the girls and me in a constant state of anxiety. It was like living with a tiger. Any moment, he might kill you and so you just shoveled as much meat his way as you could. But you knew your turn was coming and it wasn’t going to be pretty. 6: Nobody can please Daddy. Constant criticism and complaint is the hallmark of a narcissistic father. Grades are never high enough. Some insist on beauty in their daughters,  and academic excellence or athletic prowess in either sex. Only perfection is allowed, despite his utter lack of excellence in his own life. Everyone, inside and out of the family, is subjected to constant critique. The assumption is that he has the ultimate knowledge and experience from which to judge. This is more than merely a desire for excellence. Standards are astronomically high. The effect of all this constant commentary is self-hatred and imposter syndrome in the kids. All of those criticisms are internalized creating a cycle of low self-esteem. I remember one of my daughter’s reading a book for her second-grade class. Her father would quiz her endlessly on minor points that I would never have remembered. He berated her lack of photographic memory, destroying her love of reading that she has only now reclaimed. 7: A narcissistic father is often dependent. My girls and I were blessed to have him essentially exit our lives once he lost custody of the girls. His dependency shifted from me and our daughters to his parents. While I had been the primary wage-earner during our marriage, his father ended up essentially providing for him afterward. His boast was always about the money he would one day inherit. As for me and our daughters, we made it just fine on our own. But often the adult children of narcissistic fathers find themselves care-taking far beyond the normal scope of elderly care. If your father calls you constantly, criticizing your care of him, or making unreasonable demands, you have a truly difficult time on your hands. At the end of this blog are some excellent books that detail how to handle aging narcissistic parents. If these resonate with you, I am truly sorry. But the one thing I have learned is that my past does not have to dictate my future. And neither does your upbringing condemn you to a life of misery. Education, therapy, some emotional intelligence, and a relationship with the ultimate anti-narcissist, Jesus, can mitigate even the worst damage. Give yourself grace and time. Give yourself and learn to receive from others the things your father couldn’t. Seven Signs of a Narcissistic Mother As an Amazon affiliate, I receive a small commission of purchases at no cost to you.