To be married to a narcissistic husband is to live a half-life. Your body keeps going, but your mind and heart gradually die within you. That God did not want me to die came as a surprise to me. And some might think that title is scandalous. Some believe that God would never condone leaving one’s husband. I know that my fear of divorce kept me from escaping a narcissistic husband for over ten years. My belief that God valued the institution of marriage over the safety of my children and myself disrespected Him as Abba. He is a good, good Father. We should fear God more than we fear divorce. Now, nineteen years out from that disaster, my regrets center on not leaving far earlier. I lived in a lot of denial for years. One has to cultivate denial in order to survive, much less stay, in a marriage that was as abusive as mine. And just how abusive it was did not fully dawn on me until I disclosed, ten years later, details of the torment to my counselor. The look of horror and grief on her face showed me just how far from normal my first marriage had strayed. The names my narcissistic husband called me, the frequent humiliations, the control, and degradation; I told no one about these things until a decade later. And I am not the only one who has a hard time talking about intimate terrorism. God is mighty to save (even from a narcissistic husband) But this story is about how the Lord intervened and rescued me and my four daughters from a man who dedicated himself daily to our destruction. I had spent a year really committed to praying for my narcissistic husband. I prayed for him day and night. I knew there was something terribly wrong with him, but I did not understand what a narcissist was. I recently read the book Changes that Heal by Henry Cloud. Most people know him through his book, Boundaries. In it, he spoke about how we cannot hold ourselves responsible for another’s happiness.  I realized that both my ex and I held me solely responsible for his happiness. And, of course, I was doomed to fail. However, the Lord strengthened me through that time of prayer. All the spiritual books I read were mentors. The more I was freed from my fear of my narcissistic husband and the more I depended on the Lord for my emotional needs, the stronger I became. John could see the difference, and the change only made his behavior worse. I fully believe he was resisting the conviction of the Holy Spirit. When I caught him burning his Bible in the trash bin, I knew he was quickly reaching a point of no return. He burned a lot of things that belonged to me and my daughters. It was an obsession with him. I had fled twice before with my daughters. Each time, he would go through an elaborate courtship to get me back. Dates and phone calls that lasted hours. Things would be barely tolerable for a month or two, and then the moods and the abuse would creep back in. A narcissist cannot sustain change for longer than a few months. After he won me back, the next phase would be to punish me for leaving. It was late March 2000, and I came home from work (he never held a job the duration of our marriage) to see that my narcissistic husband had thrown away all my seedlings. I was nurturing them until I could plant them after the last frost. I had a large and fruitful garden. Every single little sprout was gone. At that moment, the Lord said as clearly as I have ever heard Him in my spirit, “Everything you plant, he will uproot,” God spoke to my heart. A bit shocked, I ran upstairs to my little prayer closet. I could feel the Lord physically releasing me from my marriage. He told me to leave, and my brain could hardly contain the information. I had held on so long to the idea of marriage at all costs. But God had different plans, thank goodness. God does not shame victims of abuse The shame issue remained. “Lord,” I said, “If I divorce him, then I will have failed. I will be divorced.” “John 8:11,” the Lord said to me. I didn’t know what verse that was, so I opened my Bible. It read, “And neither do I condemn you.” That verse ends the story about the woman who was being stoned for adultery. God did not shame her. Honestly, I have never been embarrassed since being divorced. Some have judged me, but the Lord freed me from any sense of shame about it. That alone is a miracle because, for a long time, I feared divorce more than God or my destruction. One word from the Lord toppled what was an idol. He is to be exalted above marriage.  Even then, I worried about what would happen to John. Even though I did not understand the nature of mental illness then, I knew he was very sick in his mind and spirit. And soul ties are strong after ten years of marriage. Immediately on the screen of my mind, the words “2 Timothy 3:5” appeared. I turned to that verse, and all I could see were the words, “Let these men go.”  Now I understand that no contact is the only safe contact with a narcissistic husband. But all I understood then was that the Lord wanted me to have nothing to do with John or his extremely wealthy father with whom he was enmeshed.  At that moment, I resolved to leave. I left within the week. The difference this time was I did not flee in fear. I left under the direction and blessing of the Holy Spirit. And this time, John did not come after me. With God’s help, escaping a narcissist is possible I worked at a small Baptist university. They kindly gifted me with a check for $200. I took out a credit card, and the girls and I picked out a shamelessly feminine sofa. Together, my four daughters and I put together a modest house that felt like home for the first time in years. On our first night in our little rented home in Kentucky, we sat around the table and my oldest and I looked at each other. We knew what the other was thinking. We didn’t have to lie anymore to survive. We didn’t have to live in the fear a narcissist can hold over his family. Suddenly, possibilities opened up. The entire world seemed new. And this time, my father, who had researched domestic violence, came out. He stayed until he knew I would not go back. That blessing alone gave me the strength to face the rest of my family.   I lived as a single mom for nearly five years before I remarried. Of course, difficulties emerged. However, the Lord was faithful to meet my needs. He is close to the widow (or the divorcee’). And I didn’t mourn the marriage at all. Mourning a narcissist in this situation would be like mourning my jailor. My mourning came during the marriage, as my hopes for love and bonding within that relationship died. That first night, though, the Lord turned my attention to the book of Joel. “I will repay you,” He said to me. “I will repay you for the years the locust has eaten.”  And praise God. He has done that and more. Five Things I Want Say to Victims of Narcissists As an Amazon affiliate, I make a small commission of purchases at no cost to you.