Eight Signs Your Children Suffer from Trauma
Childhood trauma can be hard to recognize if parents don’t educate themselves on what it looks and sounds like. Stories in the media abound about children, both young and older, who go public about the abuse they suffered. The common thread in these stories is the parents who look shell-shocked at what went on under their very noses. The latest scandal with so many young gymnasts abused at the hands of a trusted doctor highlights the need to be aware of how children who suffer trauma often act.
I was painfully aware that my girls had suffered at the hands of their emotionally abusive and narcissistic father. But even I missed events and traumas suffered later after he was long gone. In the hectic pace at which we live our lives, we can all too easily dismiss behaviors that should signal to us that something has gone very wrong. And children too, do not always understand what has happened to them. Educating them about their bodies is only the beginning of abuse-proofing your child.
We must also teach our children to communicate, to say no, and to be brave. We ourselves must be listeners and believers in their stories. A little denial or minimization on our parts can help perpetuate abuse on a large scale. In step-families, the issue becomes even more fraught with complications. One cannot control events at the other parent’s homes nor can one always be aware of the tensions and difficulties that arise between 
step-siblings. Being alert to changes in mood and behavior are crucial to understanding where your child is at emotionally.
For children under the age of three, the biggest tip-off is slow development. Stress prevents the necessary brain growth and so language and large and fine motor development can get significantly delayed. One of my own daughters suffered a hearing loss when her father refused to give her medication for her ear infections. When I was able to get tubes put in her ears, her language took great leaps, though it was a few years until she truly caught up.
Think of trauma like a chronic ear infection. The pain and deafness of the condition limit the ability to interact with the outside world. The energy that should be used towards learning new skills goes towards coping with the stress of the pain. The deafness prevents understanding the messages the parents try to send the child. Trauma is the great silencer. Unable to communicate and unable to understand, children simply shut down and check out. The biggest lie ever told about any childhood abuse is that children are resilient. They suffer deeply.
As children get older, the signs grow a little more obvious if you know what to look for. If you see your child, age four or older, demonstrating these behaviors, it is time to start digging. Immediately. One of these behaviors by itself now and again is common. Regular demonstration of these signal trauma of one kind or another.
1: Your children regularly throw massive fits.
This is a concern in particular if your child was formerly pretty even-tempered. But if your child starts losing his or her temper on a regular basis, there might be an underlying reason for the rage. Temper tantrums are pretty common. What you are looking for is a change in behavior.
2: Your children act out in order to get your attention, both positive and negative.
If your child goes all out to get your attention by any means necessary, then they are signaling that something is not right in their world. They need you but do not know how to get what they need from you.
3: They regress.
If they start wetting the bed or sucking their thumb, resurrecting an old baby blanket that they haven’t looked at in years, they are looking for comfort. Time to ask yourself why they need extra comfort.
4: Your child startles easily.
If they jump out of their skin when you call their name or scream in fear when you surprise them accidentally, then they may be signaling that they have ongoing fears that you do not know about. Hypervigilance is also something to watch for in your child. Being careful is a personality trait. Being fearfully aware of changes in the environment may signal something else.
5: Children imitate the abusive behavior.
Look for any behavior with sexual or violent overtones. This can include playing with toys in an inappropriate way, drawing pictures that depict things they should not know about, or introducing sexually precocious ideas with their playmates. Children may not know how to tell you what is going on, but they reveal whole worlds through their actions.
6: Children suffer from anxiety.
If they do not want to be separated from you, or if they have fearful reactions to people in your circle, take note. This is especially of concern if previously they did not exhibit fear of people or of being alone or separated from you.
7: They act withdrawn.
Children who suffer from trauma, past or current, often shut down. They go into their own little worlds where they can avoid the realities of their real world. If left unchecked, this can spiral into serious dissociation.
8: Your children lack self-confidence.
If your child suddenly loses faith in his or her ability to interact socially or participate in academics or sports, then it may be time to ask questions. Something could have happened to cause them to lose their comfort with who they are. Any kind of abuse can do that.
This is just a shortlist. Physical symptoms can occur too. Chronic stomach aches or headaches, as well as insomnia and nightmares, can tip off a wise parent that all is not well within the world of the child. The sooner you understand what is going on with your child, the sooner you can begin to restore safety and sanity to their world.
We owe it to our kids to not assume that everything is ok when their behaviors are shouting to us that things are not. A little denial, the fear of confronting evil when it shows up at our door, or even just the failure to educate ourselves can lead to a lifetime of consequences that are unbearable. Trauma can affect the mental and physical health of a child well into adulthood. Don’t be afraid of uncovering what is going on in your child’s world. What you don’t know can really hurt them.
Just a note: I am not a doctor or a psychologist. These signs can be indicative of physical illness and other issues as well. If your child suffers from these, see your family physician to begin the process of ferreting out what is bothering your child. I culled this list from a variety of sources, including my own family physician. Just one or two of these symptoms can merely be a phase. But if they continue, seek more information from professionals who can help.
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