How the Church Promotes Abuse (without meaning to)

I dislike writing any criticism about the church. She is the Bride of Christ and as such, is holy and set apart. And these days, the criticism of Christians by other Christians is often abusive, condemning, and ugly. This particular issue, however, weighs on my heart and mind. I bring it up humbly, qualifying my topic with the knowledge that not all churches or Christians, by any means, have this problem.

I  minister to many women, and actually, quite a number of men. Each of them finds themselves mired in abusive marriages with unrepentant spouses. In some cases, the spouses regularly attend church and spout Bible verses all the time. I know some cases where the abusive spouse attends spiritual conferences and spends time daily studying the Bible. My own ex-husband sporadically adopted an outward form of godliness with which to impress others.

But on the inside of the marriage, the verbal abuse, emotional bullying, and general degradation of the abuser’s victim continues unabated. Studies of the brain show that the traumatic damage caused by emotional or narcissistic abuse does not vary from physical violence. PTSD looks the same, regardless of the cause. When physical abuse is not present, sometimes the church then minimizes the severity of intimate terrorism. No one wants to condone physical injury but putting emotional abuse in a different category does just that. The injuries are internal but medically real.

In these cases, pastors and fellow churchgoers tend to reward the more charismatic, outwardly religious member of the couple. This leaves no space for the victim to safely reveal the abuse. Sadly, a significant number of these cases have involved narcissistic pastors who charm their congregations while keeping their families in an emotional prison. To leave a narcissistic spouse who is a pastor means a complete uprooting of one’s life and loss of any support platform.

In other situations, the abusive spouse is a known miscreant. He or she is an addict of some sort or is known to be unfaithful. Rarely attending church, their misdeeds are widely recognized and the husband or wife is often seen praying for them earnestly at the front of the church. Sometimes churches bond together in prayer for these outliers. The victim of this unhappy marriage is treated as a saint and the whole focus of the congregation becomes focused on changing a person who exhibits no desire to change. Codependency can infect a whole church.

So how do some churches promote abuse? Try these examples on for size:

1: The church idolizes marriage.

For some churches, divorce really is the unforgivable sin. I had a pastor decades ago talk about what I now recognize as severe abuse within marriages. He sadly told these particular women whose husbands kept them in terrible bondage that they needed to stay with “these wretched men”. After all, the marriage vow must never be broken, even at a terrible cost to the victims of abuse. He felt deep compassion for these women, or so he said. But like the Pharisees, his legalism placed a burden on these women too heavy for them to carry, me included.

2: The church praises victimhood.

The rewards of codependency are real in some churches.  Sometimes churches view men and women who stay in abusive marriages for whatever reason as saints. In a real twist on reality, the church often sees these victims of abuse as somehow responsible for the salvation of their spouses. Staying is touted as brave when holding the perpetrator responsible for his or her actions is the genuinely courageous move. I stayed out of terror. Leaving is the bravest thing I ever did. In a perverted view of turning the other cheek, pastors sometimes encourage men and women who submit to regular abuse to keep doing so.

The reasoning, I believe, is that this is thought to be best for the children, for one spouse to sacrifice their mental and emotional health. Instead, what really happens is that dysfunction is allowed to transmit from one generation to the next. Jesus disappeared from angry crowds to avoid being harmed until such a time as God called him to the cross. Standing up to our abusers is the best way to return good for evil. By continuing an abusive cycle or condoning it, we participate in it as surely as all the bystanders in the Holocaust.

3: Christians can be naïve.

Rather than being as wise as serpents, we Christians are easily fooled by outward performances. I think this occurs because a show of faith and worship at its best is vulnerable. Because the average person might struggle with praying aloud or raising their hands, we fall for people who take center stage in front of the church. They loudly proclaim their prayers and even repent of various sins in front of the congregation and we are amazed by their courage.

But both men and women who have endured regular and devastating abuse regularly recount their narcissistic spouses performing for the congregation. My own ex dedicated us to the Lord and repented of his sin in front of the church. The next day, he forced my daughter to hold down a stray dog while he bludgeoned it to death. Reagan’s wisest words as far as I am concerned are “Trust with verification”. Jesus rewarded the man who prayed in his closet, humbly asking for forgiveness. We must learn to discern real repentance from being played. Actions count far more than words.

4: The church is dogmatically dedicated to keeping women in certain roles.

If a church spends a lot of time emphasizing the role of women as silent, non-voting partners in marriage, there may be cause to worry. I, personally, have never attended a church that emphasized the submission of women where emotional abuse did not have a stronghold. I expect to take heat for this one. But I want to suggest that when one sex seizes all the power from the other and uses the Bible to justify it, that is not love. And if the world is to know that we are Christians by our love, what example do we set when we effectively duct tape the mouths of an entire sex shut?

One church near me takes Paul’s gag order so seriously that the women are forbidden to speak a word during any service. Abuse relies on the silence of its victims. In fact, it cannot exist without it. Don’t hit me up here with your dogma. The first evangelist was a woman. Mary got to spread the good news first. Shutting women up is not the heart of Jesus.

So here are my suggestions for Christians and their individual churches alike. Be ready to listen without judgment. And learn to be sensitive to the leading of the Holy Spirit. No one answer solves abusive situations. Some men and women are called to stay for a season. Some are called out of their destructive marriages. Their decision to stay or leave is between them and God. The church’s job is to preach the Gospel, lay hands on the sick, raise the dead, and make disciples of all men. We are to spread the kingdom, not act as judge, jury, and executioner.

Educate yourself on what abuse in a marriage looks like, particularly if you are a pastor. How many times does God have to say that He can see past the outward appearance into a man’s heart? We all need discernment and His leading to know our role in helping the disenfranchised men and women within our congregations. The institution of the Sabbath was made for man and not man for the Sabbath. So too, marriage was made for humans, and not humans for the institution of marriage. Both men and women must submit to God before they can submit to one another.

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The Concept of Narcissism in the Bible: Part 1