Attracting Controlling People? Here’s Why.

I both attract and repel controlling people. My entire life, I have gravitated towards people who wanted to dedicate themselves to controlling my life. I did not understand why until much later. Nowadays, I am pretty cautious around people, especially charmers and smooth talkers. I warm slowly to charismatic leaders, and I now listen to what people say, rather than what I think they mean. Taking people’s words at face value saves me a lot of heartaches.

For a long time, I considered myself a magnet for anyone with narcissistic traits, and in reality, I was. Not until I recognized in myself, various issues did I begin to draw healthier and genuinely loving people into my life. Additionally, while all controllers and manipulators don’t necessarily have Narcissistic Personality Disorder, all narcissists are controlling. And the attempt to control others is at its heart narcissistic. It assumes the right to control others for the benefit of oneself. So here are some of the openings we have in our souls and behavior that cause unhealthy and often, controlling people to me:

1: Controlling people seek out naivete.

I tend to be gullible. As a sincere person, I tend to believe people. We project our thoughts and feelings onto others, but with narcissists, this can trap us. This self-deception works in two ways. We minimize both the bad things they say and believe all the self-aggrandizing stories without proof. One former student I knew told awful stories about his past. Because he professed to be a Christian, I believed him to have changed. When he skipped town, leaving with the wages I gave him to pay others, I realized my mistake. The warning signs were there. I ignored them over and over again.

Learning to discern between safe and unsafe people is a chore. And while some naturally just seem to have better radar, I have had to work on it. Now I take the time to watch people for a while. I don’t automatically believe every hard-luck story or every declaration of affection. Jesus warns us about this when He tells us to be as innocent as doves and wise as serpents. Innocence means we keep our hands clean. Wisdom lets us know whose hands are dirty.

2: Controlling people look for those desperate for love and approval.

Low self-esteem is like a home without a front door. Anyone can walk in; we are just thrilled to have company. Jesus loved every one, but He only had a tight group of close friends. Twelve disciples and three real buddies made up his inner circle. A desire to be loved causes us to look for love even from those who have none to give. And no one can exploit low self-esteem like a controlling person.  Offer the reward of approval or affection, and we will leap to please.

The issue is that without a sense of self-worth, we become vulnerable to those who would purchase our loyalty for the bargain price we are offering. If we understand our worth, both in God’s eyes and in our own, then cheap flattery just isn’t enough.  We are precious enough for the God of the universe to die for. Once we understand that, imitation love loses its savor.

3: Compassionate empaths mistake cognitive empathy for genuine compassion.

Narcissists and controlling people are actually both empathetic. They just lack compassion and, sometimes, a conscience. Cognitive empathy understands what another is feeling. Compassionate empathy wants to offer help. The difference is that a controlling person, who is usually motivated by fear, uses that knowledge to manipulate the empath.

Those of us who feel deeply often assume others do as well. But this is not the case. Once a user discovers that someone is willing to be used for the small price of pretending emotion, the game is on. I have many memories of the various controllers and narcissists in my life making a play on all my sympathies. Now I spend my valuable store of emotional energy on those who need it and can receive it without trying to drain my soul.

4: Controlling people search for passive ones.

I am, by nature, a bit passive. Easy-going, I tend to go along with whatever other people want. I tend to not want things as much, I guess. I’m sometimes overly flexible. This trait kind of goes along with being a people pleaser, except that being a Type B is more of a trait one is born with. Controlling people and narcissists seek us out because we are less likely to call them on their crap. I remember teaching high school for one terrible year. The kids would misbehave, and I would observe them for a while until it occurred to me that I was supposed to intervene. Naturally, they took advantage of this.

Being tolerant sometimes translates to not having enough boundaries. Controlling people want to be the ones who set all the boundaries- and always in their favor. Sometimes our natural personality traits have shadow sides. My tolerant nature means I am safe for people who are in pain. I can stay neutral while offering support. I don’t burden them with my feelings on their tragedies. But sometimes my passivity invites manipulation and invasion. Even passive people have to learn how to put up a fight.

5: Codependent people are easy prey.

A codependent person is one who tends to blame themselves for everything. We tend to take responsibility for the actions of others, making us the perfect target for controllers and narcissists who don’t want to take any responsibility for theirs. It is a marriage made in misery; the narcs merrily placing all the blame for their chronic misery and poor choices onto the backs of their codependent slaves.  The truth is that no one has that much power.

Until I learned that each person is responsible for their actions and their happiness, I gladly shouldered the burden of my ex’s misery. Well, maybe not gladly. But I sure did try to make him happy, an exercise in futility if ever there was one.

I am always hesitant to write articles like this, lest I fall into victim shaming. But in all honesty, each of us has to take responsibility for our lives. Until I pulled myself together and sent all the controllers and narcissists in my life packing, I was guilty of feeding their endless appetite for power. And that is their end goal. A controlling person wants power over you to make you do what they want. Narcissists want slaves, not companions. You have to get tired of being sacrificed to their gods of pride and greed before you can escape their temples.

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