Five Important Core Values in Marriage

When my husband and I first sat down to construct our core values, we struggled a bit. Our ideas about what made a marriage really great differed somewhat. My core values were more emotionally derived while his were more concrete and very detailed. In the end, we had around eleven, but of those, five have proven to be a source of real satisfaction in our relationship.

In order to really hone a core values list, you and your spouse have to take some time to figure out what is really important to you. It is really easy to fall into the trap of just writing a list of what you think your core values ought to be. If you do this, then you are dooming yourself to failure. Everyone has a difficult time following a list full of should’s  and ought-to’s. Better to take some time for genuine self-reflection and construct a list of things that are actually important to you. Really concentrate on those core values that reflect who you want to be and that you practice on a regular basis.

The reason for this is that when you check back into your core values list, you are looking for progress or validation. My husband and I are always really encouraged by our list because it informs our decisions. Think of a core values list like a marital constitution. When as a couple, you need to make some crucial decisions, referring to your constitution helps determine your direction and whether or not it furthers your goals as a couple.

Some of our more important core values include:

Destiny Fulfillment:

We are committed as a couple to supporting each other’s dreams. Despite our financial issues, I took a year off from teaching in order to finish my novel and develop a social media base. My husband has changed jobs a number of times which has meant moving from one state to another. But because we have committed to really helping the other find their place in the world, we are able to give each other the platform of support each of us needs.

A Dynamic Spiritual Life:

Our spirituality is deeply important to each of us. To this end, we regularly attend church but we also spend time together in prayer. We attend the occasional conference and we often read spiritual books together. Our spiritual walks are not identical by any means, but we share this value. Because it is in our core values list, we are intentional about pursuing it.

Good Health:

This item on our core values list really took some negotiation. In the end, while we do not always agree about what is healthy or not, we work on this together. Out of consideration for each other, we make sure we get regular physicals, exercise (though not necessarily together), and have really worked on a healthy diet. After all, caring for our own physical bodies is an act of not only self-love but of love for the other person. We owe it to each other to be the healthiest versions of ourselves.

Family Harmony:

Because we are basically the Brady Bunch, we have had our share of conflicts in the home. Stepchildren are not a recipe for family harmony. But this is one of our most important and actually successful core values. We concentrated on providing individual support for each kid and on creating happy memories. We did our best to get every one of our kids the help they needed, whether for education or for mental and physical health. Making this a core value helped us put our differences aside and really work towards a family life that all of us could enjoy.

Personal and Marital Growth:

Our definition for this included intellectual and emotional growth. We really want to grow together and separately. Each of us faces quite different battles. But the truth is, our separate battles affect each other. We have a strict rule of never criticizing each other. But we also reserve the right to complain when a behavior affects the other. Because we want to continue to expand who we are as individuals as well as a couple, we really try to concentrate on working on difficult areas.

For instance, Spencer has a tendency to be preoccupied. Now that he knows that regular affection is important to me, he is careful to greet me every day and give lots of hugs. Now that I realize that he wants companionship, I go on hikes with him or just watch the television some evening with him. In order to grow as a couple, you have to look at yourself carefully to evaluate your own needs as well as theirs and proceed accordingly.

Creating a Core Values List:

My only real advice is to learn what is actually important to you as an individual and as a couple. Don’t put our core values on your list. Learn what yours really are. Take the time to hammer out definitions. We often found that our ideas about what each core value meant differed significantly. We not only wrote down the value, but we also created a definition we could both agree upon.

Once you have a core values list, then you can begin to narrow down some goals as a couple. Creating a cohesive team with the goal of building a life together takes a marriage from good to great. Because we see each other as partners in achieving a life we can both be proud of, conflict within our marriage often yields good results.

Don’t underestimate how long it takes to build this list. It took us months of discussion and revision. But even the act of creating this list really enhanced our unity. When your spouse is your ally, rather than your competition, your marriage solidifies into a real platform of support for both of you and your children.

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