Five Traits of the Female Narcissist
My first encounter with a genuinely dangerous female narcissist was in the workplace. She was my boss and making a colossal mistake that involved the students under our care. When I pointed out the error repeatedly, she didn’t even consider for a moment that she might have made a mistake. I became the victim of a smear campaign which eventually culminated in her leaving. Facts are facts, after all, and mine were simply irrefutable.
Because my first experience with narcissism was with my ex-husband, I was unprepared for a Jezebel to storm into my life. I think that we assume that most narcissists are male. Research suggests that 75% of diagnosed narcissists are male. The female narcissist is a little more challenging to uncover, often because she is more clever at concealment. Some researchers suggest that our society helps women hide their rapaciousness under our expectations of femininity. Men are expected to be aggressive. We automatically assume that women are maternal or caring when perhaps they merely hide their viciousness better.
So while the male and the female narcissist have much in common, some of the devil’s tools that women use are a bit more devious and difficult to detect. Here is a brief list to help you discern if that difficult woman in your life is a bit more evil than not:
1: The Female Narcissist and Pathological Envy:
We often mistake jealousy and envy. Jealousy is the fear that our partner might be unfaithful or leave us for someone else. Envy is resenting any happiness or enjoyment that another possesses, seeing it as diminishing the envious one’s store of good things. An envious person can’t be happy having lots of good things. Other people must not have the same good stuff.
A female narcissist sees other women, in particular, as threats to their fragile ego, and will stop at nothing to destroy the competition. This toxicity usually surfaces as covert bullying or the chronic undermining of others. Recently I experienced a woman who regularly lied in the face of all reason to keep everyone on shaky ground. Pathological envy turns others into a list of goods to be plundered and annihilated for the sake of preserving the coveted queen bee slot.
2: The Female Narcissist and Beauty
Sometimes I wonder if our social media helps foster the female narcissist. Real rewards exist for the most beautiful woman. Followers and influence are the rewards of the most gorgeous. The female narcissist is usually materialistic and superficial. She is obsessed with physical perfection. None of her little gaggle of followers will be quite as good-looking, rich, or powerful as she is.
While we may deny our fascination with this or that celebrity, the truth is that our culture worships fame, beauty, and wealth. We unintentionally reward this form of narcissism by clicking on the articles or photos of scantily clad celebrities on Instagram. I think there is an inherent reward for the serious female narcissist. A place at the table always exists for a physically attractive woman. I don’t know which came first; the superficial society or narcissism, but I do know they feed into each other.
3: The Narcissistic Gossip Girl
While both male and female narcs share this trait, women seem to indulge in this vice more freely. The scenario I see most often
is what I think of as the grooming stage. The female narcissist draws her prey in by complaining bitterly about someone else, usually her husband or former best friend. She plays the victim, and the new friend is a little flattered or at least tolerant of the confidences poured in their ear. The slander then spreads to the others in the circle. The narc is preparing her web by drawing in her new protégé by acting as if the narc has special insight into everyone else’s lives.
Narcissists thrive on lies, and so nothing they say can be trusted. Even the nuggets of truth they spill are slanted one way or another. But since the agenda of the female narcissist is “take no prisoners,” it is only a matter of time until the new recruit finds themselves at the center of the web of lies. The victim often finds herself without a job, friends, or reputation.
4: The Heartless Woman
I am always astonished when I detect the absolute lack of empathy in someone. The strange thing about female narcs is that they never seem to understand that they are missing something. I have heard too many stories of cruelty to think that the desire to nurture others is a given. Female narcissists make controlling and cruel mothers. They emasculate the men in their lives and what is worse, take pleasure in the pain of others.
My theory is that once a person crosses over the line into enjoying the pain of others, they may have passed the point of no return. I have not personally seen any sadists change, though I am hesitant to make a definitive statement. Enough humiliation might bring a grandiose narcissist around, but a thirst for the suffering others is the epitome of evil.
5: The Aging Female Narcissist
We want to believe that with age comes wisdom. Many women who tend toward the more emotionally brittle soften with age. 
Empathic older women gather the old and young to their hearts. But age does not guarantee maturity. If anything, furious at her diminishing sexual attraction, the aging female narcissist then grasps at material and personal power. In particular, the daughters of female narcs should beware. They can find themselves enslaved to continually demanding, critical mothers, giving care to a woman who will never be pleased or grateful.
Since beginning this blog, many men have sent me letters describing their wives in heart-wrenching detail. It is harder for a man to admit to being emotionally abused. Of those who have written, only a handful have successfully left and gathered the broken bits of their lives into something better. But make no mistake. They had to endure the loss of their reputations, friendships, and sometimes jobs to do it. People are more likely to believe a battered woman than a man. And an ugly accusation can haunt a man for life. I always tell them to prepare to walk away from everything and to be ready for a nasty fight in court for custody.
Jezebel, of course, is the most famous female narcissist in the Bible. That stray dogs devoured her shows a divine justice against a woman devoted to destroying the presence of God in Israel. Beware the female narcissist. Review this list and walk away before it’s too late. Nobody walks away unscathed.
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13 Comments
Liz
I would like to see something for adult daughters of narc mother’s. My friend’s mother is long dead but the effects linger on.
k
Female narcissists are dangerous – they will lie and pretend such as Beatriz Grimaldi in Bologna, groom men to leave their families and nothing stops them from destroying lives , even of women they have never met. Cold, calculating and ruthless.
Stephen Beedle
I recently had a relationship with a covert narcisist end after we dated for 4 months and broke up over our first fight. Which she started by criticizing everything I did. I finally stood up for myself which she did not like and dumped me and after 1 fight acussed me of emotionally abuse. This did devastate me. all my relationships I never felt this drained and only after 4 months. Fortunately I read an article about the covert female narcissist and saw the signs. I immediately started practicing no contact. After a 4 month relationship I am.still.trying to recover and heal 3 months later. I am.amazed at how I got sucked into this even with all the red flags I saw at the beginning. I hope she does get the help.she needs but I don’t think she will and I fear for the next man to.meet her.
Amanda Miller
I’m walking through this right now, and nothing can be told to my mother n law. She has emotionally and verbally/ mentally and physically harmed everyone from her kids to all 18 grandchildren. Plz pray for me in this situation, i m in need of as much help as possible. Her husband died 2 years ago and we moved in pretty much right after, and the things she’s tried to do to me don’t even compare to the pain and division she has caused with their grandpa which is her late husbands dad, who owns the house and pays all the bills, this is horrible. To put the icing on the cake she is a ordained children’s church pastor, but praise be to God she not active in ministry, and hasn’t been for a while.
Patricia Emmons
Until I learned about narcissist and the tools they use such as gaslighting, I had no idea that I was not crazy. My whole life was colored with the crazy crayons of first my mother then my first husband and finally two of my three children. Being told that what I saw or what was said did not happen I never trusted my mind.
Donebeingaflyingmonkey
I’m going through this now….I am shocked beyond measure that friend who I thought was so genuine, kind, and. misunderstood and soooo godly, cut me off at the drop of a hat. But she waited to move next door to me first. Then she cut me off and the kids are now all involved. It’s insane! We are at church together and she’s constantly doing stuff, it’s horrible. I don’t know what to do. I’m thinking of telling someone at the church but none of this sounds. normal, it’s hard to even explain. And then as a Christian, aren’t I supposed to let God vindicate me and let Him fix this on my behalf? I know He’s using this for my good, I’ve taken a deep dive into how I allowed even this and ignored all the red flags and gave and gave even while knowing I have a narc mother, and a narc ex husband. I suddenly realized our Lord was an empath and He called out the narc pharisees. I believe these are the 2 seeds. I googled that subject and your blog came up. It’s so encouraging because I believe this all spiritual. When there’s no empathy, one can do evil. Peroid. This friend is the most covert narc imaginable and has ZERO empathy. It’s SCARY. And she won’t stop doing stuff. I love my church and don’t want to leave. We both started at the church at the same time. That what she’s trying to do, destroy my reputation and get me to leave. She hated that people liked me there. I’d love to chat with you if possible.
Alice Mills
Shoot me an email at millsalice144@gmail.com..
Jeff Fogltance
I’m a male that is experiencing the heart wrenching affects of false allegations from a covert female narcissist. My crime? I began to see her for what she was. The constant accusations from her of cheating with every women that came within 10’ of me. The hypocritical treatment and bullying. Being sucker punched in the face when she’s drinking. Being the subject of her smear campaign against me in preparation of the most disgusting discard I could have imagined. The horrors of walking into police investigations armed with recordings that showed the opposite of her report only to be arrested for honesty. The horror of walking into family court and realizing just how easily a female covert professional victim can influence a judge that already considers me guilty without hearing a word.
Being subjected to the most hateful text messages and treatment without the ability to respond in fear of another arrest. The sadness you feel when realizing just how little your life matters to the women you thought the world of that you flew to Florence, Italy to marry just 3 years before. The frustration and awe of realizing that she plotted your discard for 1.5 years prior. Watching her joy as she denies me access to anything that would allow me to be successful. The hopelessness of having spent everything on a beautiful home, cars and furnishings for the women that showed up in my life with no money, a car, (2) dogs and cloths that hopes to take everything g and leave me with nothing.
The constant gaslighting attempts she makes as if she were a Jedi night. Trying to explain to my friends and family the pure evil this women is being equal to telling people that ghosts exist.
Realizing that I’ve spent $170k minimum and counting on my own discard.
Alice Mills
I am so sorry. That is unbearably painful.
S
Female narcissists such as Beatriz grimaldi are ruthless when they prey and groom married men to leave their families. They stop at nothing to destroy the lives of other women. After flaunting what they do, then come the lies lies lies. That female narcissist operates internationally.
Sil
Very insightful but I am tired of reading along an article these days and being hit somewhere in it by a bible reference. Some of us (actually lots of us statistically) have no knowledge of or interest in Christian writings and it’s just not helpful and slightly annoying to be left going huh? Just stick to secular references when writing secular articles. Please and thanks.
Alice Mills
I get it. But I’m not writing secular articles. Everything I do is through the lens of faith.
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