How to Forgive Your Narcissistic Abuser

This post on how to forgive a narcissistic abuser is twenty years in the making. If you are looking for an easy answer to an incredibly difficult and complex issue, this is not a post for you. Emotional abuse leaves physical wounds. Because it doesn’t leave physical scars, people assume that we are well, when in fact, we are not. It can take decades to really discover the depth of the loss and injury, as well.

If you have suffered intimate terrorism, rest assured that this post is not a lecture on how you must forgive because otherwise, God will not forgive you. That always strikes me as a threat. I am painfully aware of the Lord’s Prayer and all the other verses on forgiveness. However, just as there is complex PTSD, I think that complex forgiveness exists also. An abuse victim is confronted not only with the thousand little injuries over years that are now crippling but often the toll on the children creates a burden of grief too heavy to lift at once.

And bear in mind, that the anger against an abuser is righteous anger.

How to Forgive: Step 1: Be Angry

I realize that anger is unpopular in today’s Christian ethos. But when I think of Jesus overturning tables and whipping those who would exploit innocent worshippers, I know I can be angry, too. The king counted up all his debts before he forgave his debtor in Matthew 18. You cannot release what you do not recognize you hold.

It took me years to feel angry. Because I have a tendency to dissociate myself from my feelings, I didn’t recognize my fury. And when I had healed enough to discover that rage, I tried to get rid of it as fast as I could. But in order to really forgive, I had to let my anger sit for a good long time. In order to forgive, I had to really sift through my resentments and tie them to concrete injuries.

Victims of narcissistic abuse are typically uncomfortable with anger. And we often forgive too easily, which is to say that we pretend forgiveness. We minimize the severity of the abuse in order to keep the peace. We stay silent about the horrors going on in our private lives because we are afraid of the punishment we know will happen if we speak up. Or even the disbelief that others may express.

When I began to really experience the anger and the pain that I had stored up for over ten years, my counselor was thrilled. When I could acknowledge all the hurt, all the ugliness, and all the damage, my anger helped me give voice to who I really was. If anyone lists the terrible things another has done for them without getting angry at the injustice, they may be denying to themselves and to others the extent of their wounds.

Step 2: Reframe the Anger

I remember having a prayer time and really just sitting at the feet of Jesus. I asked Him how He felt about my ex. I found the anger I was carrying rather exhausting and didn’t quite know how to lay it down. Suddenly, in my mind’s eye, I saw my ex sitting in front of the television as he usually did. Jesus stood next to him and Jesus was angry, too. But not at my ex. I was confused. Why wouldn’t Jesus be angry at him? Jesus saw what he did to me.

But then I realized what Jesus was infuriated at. And it was righteous fury, I can tell you. Jesus was angry at the condition of sin, the mental illness, the generational wickedness that had led to this one fallen man and his evil deeds. For my ex, Jesus felt genuine regret and sorrow. Jesus grieved over the man he could have been and now would never be.

And finally, I had a way out of my own wrath.

Step 3: Submitting to Grief

Psychologists often remark that anger is a secondary emotion we use to cover up our pain. I am not sure how true that is because I often fluctuated between the two. I would see the suffering of my girls as they struggled with PTSD and anxiety and I would be so mad. But then it seemed like sadness would steal over me like a slow but thick fog. And grief for the abuse survivor sometimes feels like deep regret. If only I hadn’t fallen for his shtick. If only I hadn’t stayed.

But truly facing the grief that I needed to face in order to forgive took a while. I had to become friends with sadness. That sounds rather awful, I know. But my losses and those of my daughters deserve the honor of the sadness I feel. And I needed to tally my losses. In anger, we tally up what is owed us. When we are sad, we have to face the reality of what will never be. Anger is about the wounds we sustain. Grief is about the absence of the good we were owed.

Step 4: Burning the List

Whenever we lose something important to us or suffer some trauma, it helps to write out the timeline of our lives. If you were to write out the timeline of your life, with the good things above and the bad things below, what would it look like? If you have more than five major losses or traumas, chances are you suffer from anxiety or depression.

But in order to complete the relationship with our abuser, we need to know what needs to be finished. By complete, I don’t mean arrive at some magical place of healing. To complete a relationship is to address all of the loose ends. That is what forgiveness is – tying up or perhaps cutting off the loose strings that hang on, to let go of the debt. Notice I do not say reconciliation. To forgive your abuser does not mean to be in contact with him or her. No contact is the best policy.

I wrote out my timeline with all of the painful memories. All of the little humiliations add up. Taking my keys so I couldn’t go to my first day of work. Refusing to stop the car when I was sick so I had to try to vomit out the window. The terrible names. The screaming. The pinching. You get the picture. And then I forgave him out loud for each thing. This is a matter of will, not of emotion. And I asked the Father to help me forgive because I could not do it in my own strength.

That night I had a dream that Jesus waved His hand in front of me. All of these little pieces of my ex that were embedded in my body and soul were removed. It felt so freeing. Each of those injuries that I had harbored tied me to my abuser. Releasing them in forgiveness set me free from him to a degree I did not know possible.

It is important to forgive your abuser. Just as importantly, it has nothing to do with your abuser. To forgive deep and horrific offense is a journey we take hand in hand with Jesus, who, after all, suffered death on the cross so that we might be free. Take Him up on the offer. I have so much more peace than I used to, but it was a lengthy and painful journey. And I am still on the road.

Grief: Five Pitfalls that Stall the Healing Process

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