How to Grey Rock Your Way Out of Toxic Relationships

The most interesting thing about a grey rock is how utterly lacking in interest it is. Think of all the grey rocks you have walked past without even noticing. Turns out no one is interested in them except the occasional geologist. For the person attempting to avoid a run-in with a manipulator or anyone trying to lose the attention of a narcissist, it is inspirational.

Narcissists cannot stand it when they don’t get the attention they feel they deserve. And if their victims consistently put in practice these few suggestions, they may just succeed in losing the patronage of the predator. After all, you can’t get blood from a stone, and that is what the emotional vampires thrive on.

Grey Rock Principle #1: Channel Your Inner Bore

Narcs and manipulators seek out emotional turmoil. The more drama they cause, the better. So if you, like me, are profoundly interested in avoiding living in a poorly acted soap opera, become wooden and ultimately uninteresting in all of your responses. No eye contact is best. Stare at your phone or out into the distance. Modulate your voice so that it is monotone.

This is particularly important if you have to deal regularly with one on the job or in co-parenting. Sometimes the object of your non-responsiveness will try to upend your zen demeanor. Don’t let them. Rage or weep later, but don’t give predators any entrance to your inner world. The Bible says a soft answer turns away wrath, the very quality narcissists are most likely to exhibit. It has worked for me on several occasions. Once with a narcissistic boss who enjoyed bullying her faculty as well as with my ex who found threatening me amusing until he failed to gain a reaction.

Grey Rock Principle #2: Cut It Short

Yes or no answers, whenever possible, is the general rule. Communicating with a narc is a little like being in a courtroom. They will ask you loaded questions, bait you with ridiculous accusations, and claim you made a commitment you didn’t make. Your best bet is to avoid answering any questions you don’t want to answer. Never volunteer any information. Communicate by text or email when possible.

Avoid getting caught up in their stories. If a toxic person begins to launch into something they are sure will fascinate you, opt out.  Excuse yourself on the grounds of a previous appointment, work you need to finish, or whatever sounds genuine at the moment. Toxic people tend to fish for exciting answers to their questions. But just in case inquiring minds want to know, work is fine, the family is doing fine, things are normal, and you have to get going.

Principle #3: Keep Your Eye on the Prize

The reason for channeling your inner grey rock is no different from any of the camouflage techniques used in the animal kingdom. Here in Alaska, snowshoe hares and ptarmigan turn white in winter and brown in the summer. They are only spotted when they want to be spotted. I struggled with this at first. I need to be authentic at all times. I tend to be open and honest. So I had to look for a scriptural precedent. I eventually realized that several Bible passages speak to this.

Proverbs 23:9  Speak not in the ears of a fool: for he will despise the wisdom of thy words.

I like the fact that the Bible tells us to avoid even talking to fools. While the Bible warns us against calling anyone ‘raca’ or fool, this is a warning against contempt. We should avoid contempt for our own sake since it is a stepping stool to pride. However, Paul, in 2 Timothy 3, lists the characteristics of narcissists and ends with the instruction to have nothing to do with them. The goal is to avoid any unnecessary attacks, emotional or otherwise, from individuals who mean us harm. You are not pretending to be someone else. You are simply making yourself unavailable.  Realistically, you need to be as wise as a serpent and harmless as a dove when it comes to any of the Cluster B disorders.

Principle #4: Don’t Lose Yourself in the Role

I think one challenge to being an actor is that actors sometimes lose sight of who they are. Stay too long in character, and the dividing lines become blurry. I believe the real key is knowing for sure who is safe and who is not. Some experts suggest wearing boring clothes, while others warn against being absorbed into the grey rock persona. I did not change my mode of dress, probably because it isn’t particularly ostentatious anyway. But keeping in mind that your goal is to avoid catching the eye of the predator overhead, perhaps some khaki clothing isn’t a bad idea.

Grey Rock Principle #5: Don’t Let Them Know It Is Deliberate

No bunny rabbit shouts out to the hawk overhead, “Hey! I’m hiding over here!” The more subtle you are in response to your personal Eye of Mordor, the better off you will be. The goal is not to score off them. Instead, you are making it harder for them to score off you. Developing at least some semblance of unshakable calm is how you win. And it is not easy. This means you have to stay stalwart in the face of gaslighting, horrendous gossip, ridiculous accusation, and stinging insults. If they belong to the Cluster B club, they will try all of these.

So don’t let on what your game plan is. Even the Lord doesn’t let His enemies know what His plans are. Sometimes even His kids aren’t so sure. But as far as I can tell, no one wins against a genuine narcissist. They merely escape with more or less damage. Try to make it cost less by listening to your gut and to those who have gone before. But if you are in the process of escaping, your only place to hide may be in plain sight.

I wish I had learned this the first time I left my narcissistic ex. But in all honesty, I got caught up in the extreme love-bombing that only lasted a couple of months. But if you have to associate with, or are attempting to leave such a hellish relationship, your only real weapon is grey rocking. Rocks show very little of themselves and are entirely self-sufficient. Yell at a rock all you want, and its response or lack thereof does not change. And they are durable. Jesus compares Himself to a rock, so perhaps we can take our cue from Him.

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