The Four Expressions of Intimate Terrorism

The first time I heard the term intimate terrorism, I went into a moment of shock. The words hit my body like a blow. While I have lived free of abuse for eighteen years, those words, told to me a mere two weeks ago, settled into my body like a missing organ. Terrorism is a loaded term these days. We use it to describe both heinous acts of violence as well as those who hold opposing political positions.

My husband doesn’t like the term, in part because for him, the word terrorism summons up images of bombs strapped to children, mass shootings, and 9/11. I reminded him of the many women murdered by the men in their lives and he had to reconsider. But I kept the words to myself for a while, in order to ponder why they felt so right to me. It is hard to really describe the relief I felt at hearing the phrase intimate terrorism.  And I don’t know why the phrase domestic violence fails to have any effect on me.

As I researched the origins of the phrase and its current use in the psychological spheres, I found that it is becoming more common. Domestic violence denotes really only one type of abuse; physical. Studies have repeatedly shown that intimate terrorism, which includes financial, verbal, and emotional abuse as well as physical violence, causes the same trauma to the heart, mind, and body whether a physical injury is involved or not.

The most common definition of intimate terrorism is the use of a range of tactics, including physical harm, to gain control over the victim. As for myself, the range of tactics was enough. Physical violence was not the primary issue for my ex who suffers from Narcissistic Personality disorder. As I look at that sentence, it seems more accurate to say that everyone else suffered from his NPD. I don’t believe he suffered much at all. As for physical abuse, pinching and pulling hair were his limits. Though, as I reflect on other behaviors that were developing, I believe that would have escalated. He hurt the girls and me, but only enough to maintain plausible deniability.

The point of terrorism is to gain control by creating terror in the hearts of victims. Tactics that work for violent groups work just as well within the confines of a private relationship. Isolation, humiliation, financial deprivation, and the constant but unpredictable threat of harm create an atmosphere of fear. Live terrified long enough and that fear may never leave your body.

So here are the four expressions of intimate terrorism. If you relate to any one of these, it is too much. I will say that all of us are occasionally guilty of abusive behavior. We say things we regret or perhaps withdraw into a non-communicative sulk. But intimate terrorism is cyclic and ongoing, pervasive and increasing in severity over long periods of time. If your spouse has some unhealthy ways of expressing his or herself, the issue may just be immaturity. But if you are afraid, walking on eggshells constantly, and doubt yourself regularly, you need to ask yourself whether you are living a life of terror.

Intimate Terrorism is Financial Abuse

I am starting with this because it is both the least explored avenue of abuse and, for me, had some of the most devastating consequences. Financial abuse entails the withholding of money or even the planned financial ruin of the spouse. Despite the fact that I worked throughout my first marriage, my ex had rigid and complete control over our finances. I knew nothing about what, if anything, he earned. For the most part, he did not hold down a job. He would send me out grocery shopping and have specific prices that I was allowed to spend on various items. The truth is that he studied the circulars and knew what the prices were. He would usually price the items about ten cents under their price and then punish me if I bought them.

A friend of mine has an ex-husband who ran up tens of thousands of dollars of debt in her name, without her knowledge. Her divorce included some ugly surprises, including bankruptcy. Money represents power in the mind of an abuser. If you do not know your finances, you may just be in denial. If you aren’t allowed to know the state of your finances or money is regularly withheld, even for your basic necessities, you are being financially terrorize

Intimate Terrorism is Verbal Abuse

This form of abuse is one of the most socially accepted forms of abuse. In fact, as a society, we often find it amusing or perhaps worse, an acceptable method with which to engage others. I have a difficult time watching any news organization because of the rampant verbal abuse exhibited there. Accusations of racism, comparisons to Hitler and the Holocaust are common. Both sides are guilty of it, in fact. Calling opponents by funny and belittling nicknames is verbally abusive.

Mockery is a form of bullying and it has become a way of life in America. I love satire as much as the next English professor. But pointing out the foibles and flaws in a society is very different from singling out individuals. Bullying them with degrading words has the same goal as intimate terrorism. The name of the game is derision and dehumanization. I cannot write the words my ex used to call me here. But I will say that the goal of verbal abuse is to silence the victim. We, as Americans, in order to champion free speech, ought to begin by refraining by demeaning our political opponents.

And if the nickname your spouse calls you is ugly, you may be experiencing intimate terrorism. Racial slurs are effective. Name-calling and horrendous insults within marriage are no different in their ability to damage and dehumanize.

Intimate Terrorism is Emotional Abuse

I am excited that emotional abuse is gaining a real recognition in the courts. I won’t spend too much time on this one since I write about it quite often. But gaslighting, threats, and regular public humiliation wreaks actual brain damage on victims. Perhaps this is why the courts are beginning to take it more seriously. Emotional abuse is a form of intimate terrorism that isolates victims from their family and attempts to rearrange reality. It is purposeful and vicious in its attempt to create confusion and ultimately the full emotional and mental destruction of a victim.

Some might think I overstate this, but abusers have no conscience. They are often, though not uniformly, sociopathic. To attempt the personal enslavement of another requires malice aforethought. I believe that slavery itself is a form of terrorism and we still see the generational results centuries later.

Intimate Terrorism is Physical Abuse

I end with this one because it is well-publicized. What is not so obvious about the physical side of intimate terrorism is that it is not always life-threatening. Intimate terrorists, for this is how I now think of abusers, often start out with small measures. First the threat of physical violence and then the throwing or destruction of the victim’s possessions. Sometimes the abuse of a family pet signals the precursor to what will become full-fledged physical abuse.

And sometimes full out physical assault is unnecessary. Denying the victim sleep, as my ex often did to me and my girls or inflicting small injuries can be enough to stimulate the desired amount of fear. Physical abuse, like other forms of intimate terrorism, is just another form of war waged against its intended victim.

If the words intimate terrorism have a visceral effect on you, as they did me, it may be time to reevaluate your life. A life lived in fear is no life at all. And to the many women who have contacted me throughout the time of my blogging, I pray for you often. God is on your side, as He has been on mine.

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