Intimidation: 5 Tactics of Abusers

Intimidation seeks to terrify, though the technique used to browbeat others is often just a smokescreen for weakness. The one word I would use to describe my ex-husband, at least while we were married, is intimidating. I did not question my fear until much later. My frame for my ex gradually changed from Sauron to Gollum; both pose a threat, but one is more pitiful than terrifying.

As I contemplated this particular post, I recalled the instinctive response my body had whenever he came into the room. Years of recovery have not erased the body memory of that gut-level fear. I carry tension, often unconsciously, and am hypervigilant to my surroundings. I feel blessed that this particular quirk is no longer the driving force of my life. But still, it has not yet wholly faded.

Such is the reality for abuse recovery. We want to leave our memories behind, whether they reside in the mind or the muscles. But the intimidation tactics that were our everyday reality linger. We measure progress in years, even decades, rather than weeks or months. The loss of innocence that undergoing abuse can be a blessing, however. I can share those tactics which my ex inflicted on me, and I know that many readers will respond. If the emails I receive are any indication, my experiences resonate with many. So here are a few (out of many) implemented by abusers of every stripe.

Intimidation Tactic #1: So Many Lies

I did not fully realize the scope of my ex’s dishonesty until well after the divorce. The problem with this intimidation tactic is that it deserves a post of its own. Some narcissists lie directly and utterly without foundation. They believe themselves to be so good at it that it infuriates them when they get caught. Stories from the women who write to me include falsified identities that friend the victim on social media. Some lying is merely a specific form of gaslighting. They lie to friends and family alike about the supposed wrongs of their victims, preparing the landscape for the abandonment of any support system should escape be attempted.

I hear from women rejected by their entire church for leaving their abuser, so compelling were the lies. I want to make mention of the lies of omission, bald-faced denials, and utterly unfounded accusations. My ex frequently threatened me with jail. He had information that would set the law on me. I racked my brain for anything unlawful I might have done. I realized soon after I left that it was just another lie meant to keep me in fear.

Tactic #2: Swift Punishment

Punishment takes many forms within a marriage. The silent treatment, criticism, emotional blackmail, sarcasm, and withholding affection, money, or even transportation intimidate victims into silent compliance. Name-calling, usually crude and insulting, send a spouse into a state of cognitive dissonance. Their bodies feel the hit, but the mind can’t accept that the one person who is supposed to love them just called them something awful.

My punishments often included having my things broken. This is a direct threat. The abuser is saying, I can hurt you, just like I can break this item that belongs to you. In essence, they demonstrate with an inanimate object what they would like to do to you. This violent behavior often, as it did in my case, includes the physical abuse of animals. In worst-case scenarios, the punishment included harming his or her spouse physically. In most cases of punishment, no matter the method, the perpetrator admits that it is punishment, with the caveat that their victim deserves it. This leads us to our next diabolical tool in the intimidation toolbox.

Intimidation Tactic #3: Playing the Victim

Abusers play the victim game and the blame game equally well. My ex convinced me the reason he often became enraged was due to the abuse of his parents. This may well be true. However, throughout our decade long marriage, I never saw his parents abuse him. They gave him whatever he wanted whenever he wanted it. I believe he convinced them that I was the one after their money, though I can recall no instance of asking for anything from them. My in-laws seemed to distrust me, for reasons I didn’t understand until after the divorce.

However, we all bought into ‘make him happy’ game. What is so intimidating about this is that the victim game flows seamlessly into the blame game. I became the sole cause of his unhappiness. This tactic manipulates the victim into giving the abuser whatever he or she wants, so as not to be blamed for their misery. I know narcs who convinced their spouses that their weight gain, physical illness, even their unique giftings caused the abuser terrible suffering. I apparently abused my ex by working as a professor rather than at the local factory. He never held a real job, ironically.

Tactic #4: Unpredictability

If a victim can’t guess his or her abuser’s next move, then the floor becomes a sea of eggshells which they must cross without breaking. Keeping a victim walking on eggshells is a serious victory for the abuser. Bondage has been achieved. The way to do this is to shut them up with enraged responses to random events. Any event can be transformed into an ordeal with enough crocodile tears or endless circular discussions. The goal is to reduce the victim to a permanent state of dread.

Combine that unpredictability with the blame game, and a victim won’t know what hit them. Rage is the preferred method of unpredictability. Once my ex became enraged because the food I made was too hot out of the oven. He hurled it against the wall. While I cleaned it up, I realized he could have responded the same because it was too cold or not to his exact liking. It was a show to keep me frightened. It worked for a long time until he used up every last bit of love I had to give him. When all that was left was indifference, fear began to fade. I couldn’t come up with a single reason to stay that trumped all the reasons to go.

Intimidation Tactic #5: So Many Words

I didn’t understand the phrase ‘word salad’ until well after my divorce.  Strictly speaking, word salad is a psychological term for the confused gibberish used by those who have advanced schizophrenia. However, popular culture has appropriated it for the purposely confusing method of argumentation used by narcissists.  The Bible speaks of this:  When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise. -Proverbs 10:19 My ex would spend hours trying to convince me of something ridiculous, all the while never making a clear argument. How could he? He was just playing mind games for the fun of it.

This tactic successfully shuts victims up. Discussing anything becomes so agonizing and time-consuming that a sense of powerlessness begins to take hold. No one can win an argument with a narc. Mainly, the reason is that winning is everything to a narc. Confusion, lying, verbal abuse, accusation, and every logical fallacy in the book become legitimate tools for them to use. Point this out, and you will regret it. I became a peacemaker at all costs only to avoid five or six-hour arguments that went nowhere. Intimidation through unabated obfuscation is the name of the game.

Intimidation is mostly a mind game. Because of this, we discount the real harm it causes. To instill fear into another human is to separate them from everything good. The Bible says there is no fear in love. Conversely, no love can exist in fear. Perhaps this is why narcs are so hateful. Lacking so utterly in the ability to love, they can only create a fallen paradise built on threats and terror. They know they do not deserve love, so they will force a facsimile out of their victims. I don’t think that love is what they are after, however. I think the most accurate word for what they are looking for is worship. Not the kind we offer a God who loves us. The fierce and horrific kind to which the ancients used to sacrifice children.

Once I put away my fear of man, I learned how to be free again. Even now, the familiar chains will rattle in the background.  I rest easy knowing that I never have to put them on again.

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