7 Signs of a Narcissistic Father
I often wish I could erase my daughters’ memories of their narcissistic father. That my ex insisted on being called Daddy has always struck me as ironic because it connotes a closeness that did not exist. My daughters’ grew to dislike the title, Daddy, so much they eventually began to refer to him by his first name as they got older. This was, of course, long after we had left. Even now, they refer to my husband, their step-father, by his name. The synonyms for father leave a bad taste in their mouth.
So if you are not sure whether you had a narcissistic father, here are some typical characteristics of a dad whose primary focus was on himself rather than you.
1: A narcissistic father is the demi-god of the household.
If everything in your house revolved around your dad, chances are he was a narc. Every last decision, down to the price we were allowed to pay for potatoes, came down to what my ex wanted. The girls fetched and carried for him, as did I. He did not do anything he did not want to and there was no room for disagreement. Despite the fact that I worked and he did not, he never helped around the house. He kept the girls and I busy keeping things to his exacting standards.
He felt entitled to only the best, which included food that was his alone. He often bought food that the girls and I hated and insisted we eat it to save money. Meanwhile, much of the time, the good stuff was for him. A good father will often do without in order to supply needs for his children. A narcissistic father…not so much.
2: Daddy is rarely available.
A narcissistic father is aloof and cold. He doesn’t give much affection and is quite distant most of the time. My ex had a
large office in every home we ever lived in. He kept the door locked and even I couldn’t enter without his permission. It was a little like living with the Wizard of Oz. The voice would come thundering from behind the door, but we saw the actual person in fits and spurts.
Now I am pretty sure he was hiding a porn addiction, but my ex often hid out for weeks at a time, only coming out with a list of demands for food and other necessities. Not that we minded. It felt safer to have him in a room by himself.
3: A narcissistic father exhibits narcissistic rage.
If your father has a temper, this doesn’t automatically land him in the category of NPD (narcissistic personality disorder). Raging at children and other family members is undoubtedly abusive… and narcissistic. But the narc’s rage is usually somewhat unpredictable. My own father rarely lost his temper. When he did, it was at inanimate objects that refused to work. And sometimes a temper is a sign of depression or even addiction in men.
A narcissistic abuser uses unpredictable rages to sustain fear in his victims. And whereas my father, even when severely provoked by an uncooperative engine, never said mean things to us, a narc will focus on personal attacks. Most of us have a temper now and again. Few of us have narcissistic rages that flare out and burn everyone around us. Narcs go for the jugular and never miss.
4: Dad has a charismatic personality.
If people are drawn to your father, or if he often has satellites orbiting his secure self-centered universe, he might be a narcissistic father. Narcissists thrive on admiration. They have to rely on rigid control within the family unit, however, because everybody there knows who he or she is. But I have had to learn to distrust charisma. If someone is really charming, they are probably dangerous.
With a charismatic father, the irresistible pull draws in the children only to end abruptly. The mixed messages of feeling loved then rejected, and back around again, create in children an inability to trust. It can also result in being addicted to drama. Love isn’t love unless it is on and off again. A charismatic parent is rarely a stable one.
5: A narcissistic father is manipulative.
For my girls, the tools he often used were mind games and threats alternating with declarations of affection. Eventually, we all shut down and just did what he wanted. It was easier than trying to figure out the constant manipulative moves. He would often promise our daughters’ some major gift with strings attached. Of course, they never could earn it. Somehow or another, they always ‘let him down’.
Again, unpredictability is a great way to keep children on their toes. One moment cooking a great meal and the next shaming them over minor accidents, my ex kept the girls and me in a constant state of anxiety. It was like living with a tiger. Any moment, he might kill you and so you just shoveled as much meat his way as you could. But you knew your turn was coming and it wasn’t going to be pretty.
6: Nobody can please Daddy.
Constant criticism and complaint is the hallmark of a narcissistic father. Grades are never high enough. Some insist on beauty in 
their daughters, and academic excellence or athletic prowess in either sex. Only perfection is allowed, despite his utter lack of excellence in his own life. Everyone, inside and out of the family, is subjected to constant critique. The assumption is that he has the ultimate knowledge and experience from which to judge. This is more than merely a desire for excellence. Standards are astronomically high.
The effect of all this constant commentary is self-hatred and imposter syndrome in the kids. All of those criticisms are internalized creating a cycle of low self-esteem. I remember one of my daughter’s reading a book for her second-grade class. Her father would quiz her endlessly on minor points that I would never have remembered. He berated her lack of photographic memory, destroying her love of reading that she has only now reclaimed.
7: A narcissistic father is often dependent.
My girls and I were blessed to have him essentially exit our lives once he lost custody of the girls. His dependency shifted from me and our daughters to his parents. While I had been the primary wage-earner during our marriage, his father ended up essentially providing for him afterward. His boast was always about the money he would one day inherit. As for me and our daughters, we made it just fine on our own.
But often the adult children of narcissistic fathers find themselves care-taking far beyond the normal scope of elderly care. If your father calls you constantly, criticizing your care of him, or making unreasonable demands, you have a truly difficult time on your hands. At the end of this blog are some excellent books that detail how to handle aging narcissistic parents.
If these resonate with you, I am truly sorry. But the one thing I have learned is that my past does not have to dictate my future. And neither does your upbringing condemn you to a life of misery. Education, therapy, some emotional intelligence, and a relationship with the ultimate anti-narcissist, Jesus, can mitigate even the worst damage. Give yourself grace and time. Give yourself and learn to receive from others the things your father couldn’t.
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5 Comments
briannathehugger
All 7 sound just like my dad.
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Elysia Baker
Both this article and your article on narcissist mother’s actually describe my mother to a t she is always having my dad read narcissist stuff trying to shove down his throat he’s a narcissist he’s not I believe he’s on the spectrum and is emotionally retarded and he is passive aggressive however everyone in my family except my older brother who had enough normal people around him to not succumb to my mom’s destroying of oneself is afraid of her afraid of upsetting her we all walk on eggshells I hide what I do ok incognito tabs and lie often I hate lying but it’s the only way to survive with her…..I’m 26 I was diagnosed with aspergers at 18 although my little brother is on the spectrum I believe less that I have aspergers but more I am just stunted she kept me away from people as much as possible she made sure we were raised in an extremely high control religion, so extreme if u leave it you have to leave home and never speak to any family who’s part of the religion again unless you”choose” out of emotional despair to return to the religion…..she made sure I was homeschooled I had maybe two sleep overs my whole life and both were with girls also raided in the extreme high control religion…..I have left home twice. I threatened a third time and she combated with she’s put my autistic brother who’s ten in foster care because she wasn’t going to raise him by herself 🙄 I have pretty well raised him ……so of course I stayed…..I don’t drive why because I was the baby I was the one she adopted so in her mind she was doing me a favor raising me no she won’t directly say that but she will talk about how she’s too old to be raising a kid how she should be living in the life of luxury…blah blah blah and constantly constantly talks about how hard it is being a parent hello my siblings practically raised me till ten until they had to move out…….she is an absolute drama queen acts like there’s no reason for anyone to be afraid to upset her🙄🙄 she picks fights and arguments with. My dad then claims he started it because he didn’t respond right 🙄 she claims he gaslights no he doesn’t…..
..I’ve read so much psychology stuff and my dad is only passive aggressive because he’s afraid…….my mom is violent towards him she kicked him multiple times in the back after back surgery why because she has to be in control and only she gets to express her anger anyone else is being ridiculous and too sensitive……she has kept me from driving all while pretending she hasn’t…..so still even at 26 I don’t have a license just a permit because I can never be independent no because then who’d she have to tear down to criticize non stop then give backhanded praise after making me want to leave and never look back……if not for my little brother………I’d never speak to her again, and I’d report her to the police for abuse on my dad.ywah this is my story as a daughter of an extreme narcissistic mother.oh and one more thing she gets angry if me and my dad didn’t make sure she looked a certain goodness before going in public so she wasn’t “shamed” hello we are barely going mentally and we aren’t responsible for her not looking in a stupid mirror before leaving the house!!!!!! I hate her on such a intense level at times it scares me….yet there’s some tiny twisted affection too….I mean how could there not be she’s my “mom”
Daneey
The primary trait of a narcissitic father is a man who has intentional carefully plot out multiple affairs and demands everyone forgive him when caught, but when his wife has an unintentional drunken one night stand, he portrays her as an evil horrible woman and wife. Even puts her name and number on the net to shame her, but hey, nevermind he’s tortured her and the entire family for years. Fuck this world.
Gina
I lost my mom last year after a 2-yr illness. My mom suffered greatly at the hands of what I now know is a narcissistic spouse. These 7 signs are like reading my current biography. Growing up in a non-internet childhood/early adulthood, I was not privy to the dangers of narcissism. It used to be a term to describe egotistical people, and wasn’t give much of a second thought to being a cold-hearted mental illness and how it seriously affects those closest to them.
My mom was a strong woman and always surrounded by a tight-knit Italian family in NJ, which didn’t make her an easy target for my father…until they retired, far from family and friends, to NC. The past 15 years have been a slow burn of control and manipulation for my mom. But it wasn’t until about a year before she got sick that I told her she needs to leave him. She had made up her mind, but he controlled the money. And she was afraid, at her age, she would have no way to support herself. I would have loved for her to come live with me but we were in a small house in Los Angeles at the time, with no guest room. In retrospect, I should have insisted. I might have saved her life. But it’s almost as if she was under a spell similar to Stockholm syndrome. She wanted to leave but couldn’t imagine them not together.
Long story short, when she got weak from being sick and could no longer dote on him, be his maid, and be his personal chef, he had no use for her anymore. It became all about pitying him. He talked to a therapist weekly. And was constantly getting sympathy from his friends and his son (my stepbrother). I found out too late that he was drugging her daily with opioids prescribed by her insensitive and jaded oncologist. I contacted her previous doctor who said what he was giving her was too much and he should alternate with Tylenol, and only if she needs it. She never wanted to be drugged. I later found an entire bottle of opioids spilled behind the headboard of the guest bed, where I normally slept. To this day I think she was trying to give me a sign. She became too weak to travel, to drive, or to even speak on the phone much, which made it impossible for me to transport her to Los Angeles so I could take care of her. I needed her to sign a power of attorney through the hospital so I could be a part of the treatment and conversation, but my father would not assist in having her sign the papers. I managed to get it done the first time, but he kept moving her from hospital to hospital (4 altogether). And each time you need to sign new documentation.
She did not eat much at all besides the pizzas and ice cream he was offering her, which infuriated me as I told him sugar and carbs were the worst thing for cancer patients. We were 3,000 miles away and barely scraping by on our paychecks. Then COVID hit, which made things even more complicated. I BEGGED, literally begged, my dad to take her to a cancer support group or a therapist who specialized in cancer patients (I even Googled one and found out if she was accepting new patients, texted my mom the contact info, and nothing ever came of it). He couldn’t be bothered even though my mom wanted to go. Now I know…there is no way a narcissist would want their victim to have a sounding board.
My husband, who is a pilot and travels frequently (which made it challenging to take the kids and live on the farm with my parents), and I offered to pay for a maid (the house was filthy and I didn’t want my mom, the neat freak, to be living in those conditions), a nutritionist to come in and cook for her, and a nurse to come in more than once a week for an hour. He declined all of it. He wanted to keep her isolated.
I could go on for pages about the dehumanizing and condescending acts and words my mom endured from my father for the last years of her life, in particular. Even the little choices he made wreaked of narcissism. My mom had complained about their refrigerator that was rusted and old for years. And it smelled as if something died behind it. She wanted a new one (and she didn’t ask for much in her life) because she was always cooking and baking, so the kitchen was her domain. My father has thousands and thousands of dollars worth of half-renovated antique cars, car parts, and duplicate tools in the warehouse that he had built for himself on their farm. He could have easily sold something to buy some of his duplicate tools or a few tires to buy her a new refrigerator. He didn’t…until she could no longer use it. About 2 months before she passed he finally invested in a top of the line fridge. Which, at that point, was more for him instead of her.
All of the signs were there. I just didn’t put it all together because we lived so far, and when my mom was sick it was all I could think of every day. How to make her life better. How to get her better.
I realize now the one thing—the only thing—I could have done was get her away from him earlier.