Five Signs of a Spiritual Narcissist

While the spiritual narcissist has much in common with your regular garden variety narcissist, a spiritual narcissist tends to hold sway over more people. You can find them in just about any religion and denomination. Religion is often a big draw for narcissists. Spiritual authority is nebulous; many people who claim to have it, do not. But with enough bluster and authoritarian posturing, it can sure seem like others have spiritual authority.

Pastors are not the only ones who often qualify as spiritual narcissists. I have seen many Bible studies putter out as a member stage a takeover. Often church splits are a result of the maneuvering of this or that spiritual narcissist. Moral failures are often blamed, but I have found that the division usually involves a person fitting the following grid:

1: A spiritual narcissist regularly and harshly criticizes others.

Gossip is a seductive way to gain followers. When someone in authority tells us personal information about others, we often feel singled out in a good way as if the leader is entrusting us with special information. In reality, this is just a typical way any narcissist gains followers. If a pastor or teacher shares information about themselves, that is an honor. If they share the private information of others, they are looking to glorify themselves and hook you as a follower. Everyone wants a pastor or other leader to notice them.

Or they tear others down from the pulpit. This includes other spiritual leaders, churches, celebrities, etc. A typical manipulative maneuver, saying bad things about others, always appears to lift the speaker and suggest to the congregation or audience that they, too, are better than other congregations or audiences. Pastors have fooled me with this more than once. Be careful. A godly man doesn’t speak ill of others, especially those who aren’t around to defend themselves.

2: Spiritual narcissists select only those willing to always agree with them to be in their immediate circle.

If you notice that everyone on the church board or all of the deacons are particularly weak individuals, be suspicious. They may be dedicated, humble believers accomplishing beautiful acts of service, but if none of them ever disagree or question the leader, they are carefully chosen sheep. It is situations like this that allow churches to wander into illegal or immoral territory. If no one is able to question the policies or actions of the leader, then generally, some moral issues will result.

The issue always comes down to power. Who has it, and what are they doing with it? A church should not be a totalitarian regime, but rather a family with various roles to fill. If your pastor only hires submissive assistant pastors or those with significantly weaker personalities than he, your church may have a problem.

3: Every spiritual narcissist is a braggart.

I have never seen this rule controverted. How spiritual narcissists brag is a little different than other kinds of narcissists. One tactic is to do the humblebrag. God has used me to do some fantastic things. It looks like they are glorifying God, but their actual motive is to make sure you know that God chose them to do unique things. God does choose some people to do incredible things. It is a matter of what the leader is really focused on. Another way a spiritual narcissist brags is numbers. How big their church is, how many churches they sponsor, how much money came in, and the list goes on. The subtle issue here is competition. If the unspoken suggestion is that this church or pastor is more effective in the kingdom than others, this too is a boast.

Lastly, they continuously reference their successes and projects. Self-promotion is a necessary evil when it comes to books and blogs. I have learned this the hard way. But if a person dominates every conversation with a list of their latest accomplishments from mission trips to speaking tours, you may have a narc on your hands.

4: Spiritual narcissists do not recognize boundaries.

While gossip is one way to cross boundaries, quite a few others remain. Does your pastor invade conversations? Does he or she ask what others have said? Narcs are always a little paranoid that they will be found out, but they are also on the lookout for information they can use. A spiritual narcissist will tease information out of a victim to use it at a later date. I have known people to confide in a pastor only to find out that the whole church is talking about their issue. It gets even creepier when strangers come up and announce they are praying for you for such and such.

Another way a spiritual narcissist crosses a boundary is by calling a member out for an issue that is not an issue. I visited a church where the pastor chastised those who did not fully tithe. He called them out on a microphone in a service. In another instance, a pastor inquired about the sex life of a woman whose husband took long business trips. If you feel uncomfortable about the conversations you have with any leader, beware. Believe in your intuition.

5: Like all other narcissists, spiritual narcissists lack empathy.

Since Christianity begins with a tremendous act of love, most pastors preach about it often. But observe to see if they put their money where their mouth is. To profess love is not the same as acting in love. In all honesty, narcissists claim to love all the time. Sometimes they shout it from the rooftops. But is there evidence of love in their family? How do they treat one another? This isn’t about run-of-the-mill marital issues. After all, the pressure on the marriage of any spiritual leader is intense. But how do they speak about one another? How does the family interact?

I know some pastors who are so gifted at loving. Once one has experienced a truly gracious and giving pastor, it becomes more apparent when one is up against a lesser leader.  I watched as a great pastor I knew loved each member of his congregation. Love just exuded from him. He rarely spoke of his prodigious accomplishments. He wept with the sorrow and lifted the weak.  He rejoiced when his congregation shared their successes. His church was not huge, nor did he have books to sign or conferences to run. Instead, he formed a network of pastors who helped each other in need. Come to think of it, he was a lot like Jesus.

My last word will probably be unpopular. Many church members stay at dead or dying churches because they feel misplaced loyalty. Their family has attended for years. They know so many people there. The list goes on. Sometimes Jesus calls us to specific churches for a season. I do not contest that. What I do dispute is church worship. We often make a particular church an idol for reasons of our own. If you hate going to your church or feel your pastor is not a good person, why do you stay? We are called to follow Jesus. Sometimes that means venturing outside of the four walls of a specific building. Don’t let guilt or obligation keep you from spiritual growth. Putting Jesus first may lead to some surprising decisions, but I promise it is safer to follow Jesus than anyone else.

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