Toxic Behavior: 5 Common Types

Toxic behavior is a topic usually directed at others. So when I first embarked on this particular post, I was thinking of other people, of course. Rarely do any of us experience ourselves as toxic. But as I researched the topic, I realized that I do have some areas that need improvement. The irony is that I am reading a book called Insight, the thesis of which is to show the reader that they aren’t as self-aware as they think they are. Me. I mean, I am not as self-aware as I like to think I am.

I’m going to ignore the big ones. Lying, cheating, gaslighting, and abusive behavior are radioactive in terms of toxic behavior. I’m after the ones that poison our relationships more slowly, not just our relationships with others but also our relationship with ourselves.

It is pretty easy for us to concentrate on the slivers in everyone else’s eyes. So as I went through the endless lists of ways people can be mean or dismissive or not present to one another, I chose the ones I need to work on. Maybe you, too. I don’t know.

Common Toxic Behaviors

Being Critical or Judgmental (Toxic Behavior #1)

I often pretend that there aren’t people in my life that I judge harshly. But there are. Quite a few, actually. Most of these people are guilty of radioactive toxicity, hence my critical thoughts about them. But all that does for me is keep me in an anger loop. I think of the wrongs they inflict on others, and I start sliding down the pit of fulminating anger. I have suffered some injustices in my life, so watching injustice continue is a trigger for me.

But the truth of the matter is that bitter judgments poison my thoughts and emotions, not theirs. So between me, my journal, and my Jesus, I express my anger, frustration, and sorrow and then let it go. I may have to revisit the emotions, but I don’t have to stay there. I find that confession and submission works better than anything else to put me back on the path towards the light. Unforgiveness or suppressed anger often results in toxic behavior.

Fearing Failure

I have a new job. I am now a fully employed writer, which is why you haven’t heard from me in a while. And boy, I used to dread putting out blogs at first, but this is a whole new deal. It is so easy to fall into the trap of over-identifying with my work. If I don’t hit the mark exactly, all the self-loathing and fear of looking stupid can slip in so easily. But that is what happens when we take ourselves too seriously. And we inadvertently prevent honest communication that might lead to real success by making those around us afraid to offer constructive advice.

As a teacher, I have made some silly mistakes. Getting facts wrong or unintentionally offending a student is all a part of the gig. Same with writing. What I dread most is the look of incomprehension a reader gets after looking at something I wrote. That is failure indeed. And it is inevitable. Instead of letting failure define my identity, I force myself back to the drawing board. If we define ourselves by our failures, it becomes who we are. We think I am a failure, rather than I failed at this task. Remember, we are way more important than the list of our failures.

Resisting Change

I am so tired of change. I have moved seven times in the last nine years. Just not a fan of it anymore. Change is uncomfortable and exhausting. Adapting to new cities and new weather patterns is hard on my fifty-two-year-old bones. But when we resist change, we shortchange our relationships and opportunities. Every place I have lived has introduced me to precious people and new experiences. I miss them when I leave, which is part of my impatience with change. Because change inevitably means grief and loss in one form or another.

So I’m not going to tell you to embrace change. I am just going to suggest you try to endure it. Make the best of it. Let yourself feel the weight of loss, but open yourself to new things. I try to remember that Jesus said Behold, I am making all things new. All things, not just the things we want Him to change. I find that if I reframe change as moving from glory to glory, it helps. But man, I still miss some beautiful people.

Always Sharing

I generally like people. In my haste to relate to others, I rack my brain for a story related to the one they are currently sharing. An easy way to have a moment with someone, right? Maybe, but it also makes the conversation about me. In my desire to be available to someone, I may be cutting them off. Their story isn’t about one of mine. I am learning to wait to share my story.

I think of it this way. Stories are a bit like advice. A lot of the stories we tell are often advice or encouragement or sometimes invalidation disguised as friendliness. Now, I am trying to wait to be invited to share. Instead of assuming that it is my turn, I try to prolong their turn. How wonderful is it to be asked will you tell me more? Listening builds relationships far more than the endless sharing of one’s story.

Generalized Guilt (Self Directed Toxic Behavior)

When one becomes a mother, guilt almost always rears its ugly head. And to be truthful, our lives as humans are filled with mistakes ranging from trivial to catastrophic. But here is the secret about guilt; it is actually pride. Guilt says I could have done better. I should have done better. I am going to be better next time. But that is still self-reliance masquerading as humility. And it paralyzes every one of us if we let it.

The way out of guilt is practicing grace for ourselves and others. I am a mess. I have charged in where I ought not to have. I have been frozen in fear when I needed to be brave. Self-indulgence, laziness, and sheer stubbornness: I am guilty of each one. But friend, we are loved. When we move in the love of God, we can drop the guilt we wear as a defense against change. We become strong enough to face our accusers and those we have injured. We become strong enough to say I’m sorry. I was wrong. How can I make it up to you?

Guilt separates us from those who love us. We shield ourselves from the pain of our actions by becoming our own judge, jury, and executioner. But that is a rejection of grace, of forgiveness freely extended. We think we only poison ourselves with guilt, but we poison our relationships as well. We don’t let people love us when we keep ourselves in the corner of shame. And they want to love us. They need to love us as much as we need their love.

The most difficult lesson I have had to learn is that how I treat myself informs how I treat everyone else. When I poison myself with supposedly benign toxic behavior,  I injure the wife of my husband, the mother of my children, the follower of Christ. When I harm myself, I hurt all those around me. And when I move towards life-giving behavior, I bring my community with me.

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