Toxic Forgiveness: A Harmful Imitation

Toxic forgiveness is akin to toxic positivity; underneath, it is a lie. To forgive a grievous wrong is not unlike the picture of grief I hold in my heart of a giant ball of gnarled string, each one a memory that must be looked at and let go. Letting go of the past is not a one-time task. Instead, it is a day-by-day release as one steps into the present fully.

Of course, the words of Matthew 6:12 asking God to forgive our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass us hang over those of us who have suffered significant trauma at the hands of others. I know countless women exhorted by pastors to forgive their abusive or adulterous husbands. I remember telling an earnest woman at my church about some of the abuse I suffered, only for her to respond without pausing, “Well, you have to forgive him.” No acknowledgment came of the pain inflicted on my family.

Don’t misunderstand me. I believe in the power of forgiveness. But toxic forgiveness only serves to temporarily bury the devastating pain without first recognizing the sufferer’s actual wounding.

To jump to forgiveness without putting in the time and intention just doesn’t work. It is a fundamental misunderstanding of the healing journey. It can damage the soul and spirit of a suffering brother or sister. Nevertheless, I receive countless replies to my blogs from women trying to forgive, not for the freedom it offers, but because of a legalistic burden placed on them by others. Here are a few signs of toxic forgiveness and some of the unintended consequences.

1: Toxic forgiveness doesn’t consider the full cost of the wrongs inflicted.

It has taken me decades to forgive my ex-husband. Not because I’m a grudge holder, but because, if anything, I forgive too easily. But the full scale of the consequences to my daughters, myself, and our family is still unfolding. I have health issues that are only now arising because of the consequences of extreme stress. My daughters are still processing the effects of abuse on their bodies, minds, and relationships. I did not know the scale and amount of forgiveness before me when I finally ended the relationship. To forgive abuse is a decades-long, if not lifelong, endeavor. To reduce it to one moment is to minimize the wrong, dismiss the victim, and invalidate the core of morality: love.

2: Toxic forgiveness allows the cycle of abuse to continue.

Victims of abuse often fall into a cycle of toxic forgiveness. It is part and parcel of the addictive nature of narcissistic abuse. The love bombing phase is intense. Designed to erase the wrongdoing of the immediate past, an abuser begs for forgiveness and, for a short time, tries to make up for all the slights, name-calling, emotional manipulation, and worse of the past. Such times are designed to gaslight the victims. I remember feeling guilty for not being able to respond to the apparently sincere repentance of my ex. But never was the true extent of the abuse recognized within the marriage. In the end, never fully acknowledging the abuse in favor of keeping the peace killed every ounce of love I ever had for him.

3: There is no love without justice.

This is the core of the gospel. Jesus took on the full measure of justice needed for the forgiveness of sins on himself. Justice had to be satisfied in order for God’s love to be released without condition on humanity. In the case of many abuse victims, justice is rarely, if ever, given. Instead, if quick forgiveness is pushed onto them by a misguided pastor or congregation, the injustice is compounded. Comforting the poor in spirit is no longer a valued skill in our churches. But the grief and long recovery from narcissistic abuse demand a loving and patient response. Supporting the expulsion of an abusive spouse from a church setting is the first step. But unlike Jesus, churches rarely want to share in the pain of such a situation. Many churches believe it is better to paint it with whitewash and cause the abuse to become even more entrenched than confront evil and risk controversy. Not that this is necessarily intentional, but manipulating an abuse victim to reconcile with an abuser using religious guilt makes the church an extension of that guilt.

I often come back to the parable of the king going over his accounts. That king knew exactly what his debtor owed him.

Therefore, the Kingdom of Heaven can be compared to a king who decided to bring his accounts up to date with servants who had borrowed money from him. Matthew 18:23

An accurate accounting of abuse is never overnight. One must know what one is forgiving before one can truly forgive. And remember, forgiveness isn’t reconciliation. Those are two different animals. To forgive is to release the debt owed. Nothing more.

I love what James 1:27 says about true religion:

 This is what God the Father wants. It is clean and right… Go and help widow women. These people have troubles. And keep yourself clean from the wrong things in the world.

I know many single mothers whose ex-husbands are no longer in the picture. They fall into this category, I believe. Instead of forcing toxic forgiveness on them, why not help them be safe, provided for, and supported? The church ought not to appoint themselves as God’s hall monitors. It is a futile endeavor, anyway. Let the Holy Spirit lead the poor in spirit into green pastures where forgiveness becomes an option because the trauma has ended.

As an Amazon affiliate, any sales result in a commission to me with no cost to you. Thank you for your support.

Why Offering Forgiveness is Terrifying