Traits of Narcissists: 12 More According to Paul
The various traits of narcissists as told by Paul is so extensive it is taking two full blogs to cover the list. I am going to attempt to list twelve of the traits that I missed in my first post. I consider these traits of narcissists as important as the first list. ( see here) I suppose that the first time I read 2 Timothy 3, I was too enmeshed in an abusive system to really understand the moral weight of it. Later, I read it without really understanding the term, narcissist, but began to see the correlations between what I suffered at the hands of my ex and the traits of a narcissist as told by Paul.
Before I dive right in, let me add a disclaimer: If you are involved with such an individual with these characteristics, seek help. Some pastors understand the traits of narcissists. Others do not. Some counselors understand while others are less aware. And while you are looking for that help, read as much as you can. Educating yourself is always the first step to freedom.
Traits of Narcissists (Part 2)
1: Unholy
This particular trait is disturbing to me because it plays out in so many different ways. The instance that comes to mind is of a wedding I once attended. The father of the bride was abusive and now I realize, quite narcissistic. During the wedding, he laughed
and guffawed at the vows, pretended to stand up to object and made a nuisance of himself. He simply could not bear the spotlight on his daughter. But to treat a wedding is a joke is to defile something holy. Narcissists often seem to need to disrupt proceedings that are sacred in order to draw attention to themselves. That such behavior is unholy does not occur to them.
2: Without natural affection
In all the traits of narcissists, this one pains me the most. I have so many specific memories of my ex and his treatment of me, our daughters, and his own family. He used to announce regularly that his sister was dead when in fact, she was not. He merely did not like her. He often threatened physical violence against all of us and rarely bought anyone gifts unless it was something he wanted. I am not writing this to complain. I am twenty years out of that relationship. But I realized later on that one of the traits of narcissists that needs to be most clearly understood is that they do not love. They can pretend to love as a means to an end, but genuine love is outside their ability.
3: Trucebreakers
The promise of such an individual is worthless. I hear from women and men all the time how the narcissist in their life made grandiose promises to improve only to relapse soon after. False promises are simply another manipulative tool the abuser uses to get what he or she wants.
4: Incontinent
While this term is a medical one these days, in the era of the King James’ version, it meant lacking all self-control. While each narcissist has his or her own weaknesses, I do find that many seem to commonly over-spend, be promiscuous, and often, cannot hold down a job. Life requires us to do many things which are boring or difficult, oftentimes over and over. But to a narcissist, these basic rules of adulthood do not apply to them.
5: Fierce
The definition of this word is: having or displaying an intense or ferocious aggressiveness. Anyone who has endured the temper of such an individual knows firsthand what this looks like. I think of a narcissistic boss I had once. She would stomp up and down the hallways to assert her dominance and to let us know that she was watching. Aggressive behavior is rarely called for in most situations, but to a narcissist, rage equals control.
6: Despisers of those that are good
One of the more devastating traits of narcissists is their tendency to gaslight others. Gossip is another currency of an abuser. They often whisper slanderous rumors about others, particularly those who seem to have the admiration of others. People who are admired or have a good reputation are seen as a threat or as competition. On a personal level, the more time I spent in prayer or reading my Bible, the more my ex ridiculed me, to the extent of burning the Bibles in the house. Unholy, indeed.
7: Traitors
I think of Judas here. (see here) It takes a true narcissist to utterly and knowingly betray someone who loves them. To betray another for personal gain says a tremendous amount about the self-absorption of the narcissist. Whether through infidelity, financial abuse, ghosting, or a myriad of different means, abusers do not consider the hurt they cause. People are means to an end. One of the most alarming traits of narcissists is that they have no conscience. It is a short step from Narcissistic Personality Disorder to a sociopath.
8: False Accusers
This one really hits home for me. My ex accused me of infidelity, theft, being lazy, etc… Remember, however, that the Bible says that out of a man’s heart does he speak. We see in others what is really in our own hearts. He was guilty of the things of which he often accused me. If you are with someone who regularly accuses you, start checking them out for those behaviors. They are looking for in you what is really in them.
9: Heady
Paul is so wise here. To be heady is to have an exhilarating or intoxicating effect. Nothing is quite as heady as the love-bombing of a narcissist. Their grandiose words and over-the-top declarations are quite simply overwhelming. If they were always mean, they would have no means of luring others into their snares. They are seducers and predators.
10: High-minded
To be high-minded is to have very strong principles. My ex was fierce in his exposition of right and wrong. But to be high-minded is to be arrogant and judgmental in the life of a narcissist. Our moral stances are to be understood in the light of our need for repentance and the cross. For the narcissist, repentance is unnecessary. His or her only relationship with morality is to call others out in public for the things they do in secret.
11: Lovers of pleasure more than lovers of God
This one is pretty self-explanatory. I will say, however, that the narcissist is unable to find pleasure in God. The idea of unconditional love is foreign and so a narc can’t begin to enter in to the presence. Interestingly enough, many narcs have some serious spiritual giftings. I have seen a number of narcissistic pastors prophecy with accuracy. Todd Bentley, through whose ministry people have been healed and saved, I believe is one such individual. His success is a testament to God’s love of people, but Bentley’s predatory activities have just begun to come out. Remember, God is no respecter of persons. He allows the tares and the wheat to grow up together for a season, but the threshing floor awaits us all.
12: Having a form of godliness, but denying the power thereof…
I will borrow from Charles Spurgeon to address this. “So that if there is in anyone the body of religion without the life of religion, it leads to decay, and this to corruption; and that has a tendency to putridity of character. The raw material of a devil is an angel bereft of holiness. You cannot make a Judas except out of an apostle. The eminently good in outward form, when without inward life, decay into the foulest thing under heaven.” Jesus railed against the Pharisees for they upheld the outward offices of religion while having no love within. Such is the narcissist. Outside they may appear holy, but on the inside, they commit all kinds of sin.
In the end, if you are involved with such a person, you may need to heed Paul’s advice to turn away from such people. Paul even understood the concept of ‘no contact’. Make no mistake, Paul is warning us today of dangerous people. From such individuals, flee before they destroy you. Trauma is the only thing they have to offer.
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18 Comments
RebeccaNazzer
This is very good. I have been reading a lot about Narcissism from a psychological standpoint, but this is one of the most comprehensive posts I’ve found from a Biblical standpoint. Glad I found your blog. Will come back to dig in deeper.
Jason
Dealing with a Narsisitc father. But he has no clue. Very strong Christian. Dealing with a great deal of pain. Any thing in the scriptures will help.
I’m so conflicted.
Thanks for the guidance.
Anonymous
Although it seems as if Narcs have godly spiritual gifts, they are actually demonic. Remember that Satan has a counterfeit for everything from God. For example, the “gift of prophecy” that they operate by is actually a familiar a spirit. If the fruit isn’t godly, then it’s not from God.
Brittany
A covert narcissist is worse than a regular or outward narcissist. My husband and I have been together for almost 9 years and I am just now realizing this. I thought it might be the case and my therapist, who has never met him, told me he’s a covert narcissist without me even suggesting it. You don’t see this kind coming. They disguise themselves as likeable people. He cheated on me(still is, don’t ask. God has told me not to move), constantly criticizes me and calls out my faults, tells me how I should be a better person but likes his cheating, lying self just the way he is, nothing anyone does for him is right or enough, takes compliments humbly but acts like he isn’t the nice things you say about him. He is also sweet, kind, generous, loving to an extent. He’s a “rescuer” according to the Karpman Triangle. I didn’t see this coming, it took God bringing his infidelity to light for me to see everything I’ve been missing. For years, I thought I was the problem, and while I am responsible for some of the demise of our marriage, he is responsible for most of it thanks to his covert narcissism. Now to turn to the Lord and ask for guidance because now I don’t know what to do beyond praying for his healing. If his healing requires anything like King Nebuchadnezzar in Daniel 3, it will take a glorious act of God to fix him….. but I have Faith.
Alice Mills
I will pray for you.
Brittany
I wish I knew what to do. Im convinced my husband is a narcissist, but I don’t believe in divorce so I have no idea what to do. I’ve prayed for years but change is only temporary. The longest change has ever lasted was 2 months. Then it was gone again.
Alice Mills
I was against divorce until the Lord specifically told me to leave. Perhaps He prefers you to live in peace with Him rather than in fear and agony.
Anonymous
I also didn’t believe in divorce was with a narc for 24 years ! This wonderful guy to the rest of the world started committing adultery 4 months after we got married ( I also married him too quickly )…God had to step in and say ENOUGH !! It took me 2 years to file. Hear me sweet girl you do not want to know what this guy is doing in the dark. I have been divorced for just over a year and I have 2 children 17 & 20 and he pushed them aside to pursue another target. They are predators targeting empaths. My ex never repented or even thought his behavior was wrong it was a deal breaker
Anonymous
Sadly, if in a relationship or marriage with a narcissist you should know the only change you will experience will be from good to bad and bad to worse, with some highs sprinkled in sporadically, over time, as a way to confuse and mislead you. Their love is transactional. My father and sister used triangulation techniques to keep control while my mother, who had moved out-of-state, was the enabler. I’m the scapegoat and in that roll, spent my time trying to not rock the boat. I kept to myself. In school I excelled in sports. Looking back, I firmly believe that’s what kept me out of trouble/moving forward.
When I became a mother, their treatment of me became more demeaning. I didn’t realize until a few years later it was the devaluation stage I was experiencing. I wanted that family life where your children know their aunts, grandparents and so on but I started seeing how they treated my children. It woke me up! I didn’t like how I’d been treated growing up, I worked hard as an adult to prove my worth to them. The more successful I became the worse their treatment towards me and my children. My small business had two employees, we had reached a six figure income in six months, and my work was published locally, regionally and nationally. In short, over a seven year period my sister would randomly try to provoke me into an argument. I never took the bait until she started using my children in her schemes to get me angry. My father would then get me alone “for a talk” and insist I apologize to her. Even when he was made aware he was not being told the full story he instructed me to apologize. The last provocation ended with her busting through my front door, wrapping her hands around my throat as she pushed my back into the wall. My husband and kids standing 10 ft or less nearby. The verbal and physical assault was from pure rage and displaced anger. I got the call, as usual the father didn’t have the full story but his “you need to apologize” message was still in place. My mother offered up the “oh my goodness that can’t be good.” A year later, my sister said,” If I did that it’s because you made me mad.”
My husband and I could not find a reasonable explanation for the neglect, put downs, silent treatment I would catch from one or the other in my family.
I googled narcissism and my entire world changed in an instant. By staying with the narc, an abuse on so many levels, you cannot escape the abuse. If you have children with the narc, the difficulty in your life will multiply for you and your children. There isn’t an easy fix nor closure.
Mary
I am enjoying your articles, but am confused by the fact that they are not completed, rather they abruptly finish in the middle of a sentence.
Jen
Oh love! It won’t change. I’m sorry but it never changes. I divorced my husband of 20 years after suffering narcissistic abuse and eruptions over anything and everything throughout my marriage. It’s like walking on egg shells! I was as lonely in the marriage as I am out of it. I took him back recently for a short time (believing that now we are older things will change) because sadly, I think I will always love… well not him, but what I believed for us and what I believed he was. I was always lonely though, even when I was with him. He was never with me really you see, he was there but not there. I listened to a lecture about narcissistic people and it explained how they’re completely empty. There is no one there, no personality at all. No one to get to know and enjoy reciprocal love. Robotic, thats what it said and my husband was. He’d do his thing in his world and you’d come into it when refreshments were required. I felt like I didn’t exist. Then, if I said “where’s the keys?” Or something, he’d flip. Stating that I’m accusing him of moving the keys. And off we’d go! Escalating! Totally a victim and being accused by an idiotic low life like me.
He’s only recently gone. I miss him terribly because (of course) we are isolated and have no family or friends left.
Please!, please!, please! Free yourself sweetheart, don’t suffer and waste you precious life on some one incapable of truly valuing and loving you unconditionally for who you are. I beg of you to get out and seek calm, harmonious happiness!
Beverley Balshaw
21 Months ago I went no contact with a female narcassist. It still stands today, I never want to see or hear from her again. She isn’t blood related, her mother was expecting her when my brother met her. He took her on as his own. Her mother is a narcissist too. They have caused so much destruction and have turned my brother against his family. We have no contact now, and it’s been like that for over 10 years! I didn’t realise her daughter was like this at first. She has children of her own and a few months into our friendship I began to see a totally different side to her!! Her mask slipped right down to her ankles!, she’s absolutely besotted with herself,
Shes a real nasty piece of work, so sickly sweet to peples faces, before they’re out the front door WHAM!!!
Dean Nicholson
Hello , I living with this in-law . Soo aggressive and sly! I have talked to my pastor. It is draining me mentally . I see the mother of my child and grandchildren being affected mentally also . Help
Diana
My goodness you are spot on. I am beginning g my healing journey. Ive been seeking some idea of closure and know it will have to be self fulfilled. I believe that some narcissists are filled with a darkness. A demon perhaps. I’ve seen it with my own eyes and the feeling within my soul confirmed it. Four different times it revealed itself to me Two times were during a rage that resulted in physical violence that caused me broken bones. I am thankful for Gods word and know it is in time I will heal. There is no help for these except for which God is capable and that’s only if they seek Him
Angel White
THANK YOU for pointing this stuff out. I recently left a marriage of 32 years and have struggled so with feeling like God would be mad or that I hadn’t tried hard enough. My now adult kids will riot if I were to go back! I have had to block him on my phone because he swears he doesn’t understand why I left, then tells me “God hates divorce” to which I replied, “God hates a lot of things.” He twists scripture to only apply to others then tells me God has assured him our marriage isn’t over and what has God been telling me. It is so stressful and disturbing, but the relief of being out! We need to help the church reach women in this situation because it is a dark place to live and be afraid to leave.
Joe
Thanks for the knowledge but sadly after 11 years of that abuse was enough and it was never getting better it just kept getting worse so I finally got out of that marriage and taking care of myself now for a change stay blessed!!
Carrie McCormick
Best explanation of these scriptures & how these people have always been in existence
Anonymous
I was on a media worship team. I overheard the media ministry leader tell another volunteer to go up behind me and ask me what I was doing. His question to me was phrased as, “what do you think you’re doing”? I ignored his harsh question. Earlier the day of practice the worship leader had called and told me there was a power outage and that I didn’t need to come in until 6:30 pm for practice. So I got something to eat and then went to practice. Long story shorter, I told the sound guy to tell the worship leader that I was leaving to go to WalMart. As the ProPresenter volunteer I was not required to even be at practice because the worship leader has control of the entire word sequence. When I went outside the worship leader followed me and began acting like a two year old. One of the last things he said was, “I’m going to have to ask everyone on the team about this.” Whatever that meant at the time. Fast forward; during the week he kept emailing me about repentance and other things that didn’t have anything to do with what happened at practice. So I told him to stop. He was so cruel that I got off the team. I did go to him months later and ask if I could fix a project that I had started. He told me to talk with the media ministry leader. I sent him an email which took two weeks for him to give me an answer. His reply was that he thought it needed to be done. I was out of the state but told him that when I got back that I was looking forward to working on the project. In the mean time, that’s when the worship leader sent me the email about no one wanting me on the team. It didn’t make sense since people were talking to me. Since then he has secretly called me on the phone, approached me at church to ask if he could talk to me, came banging on my front door (which I never answered). I have blocked team members email addresses and phone numbers, with one exception of a person I trust. So far, I haven’t received a phone call or contact from the worship leader. However, he was watching the media ministry leader and myself talking about two weeks ago. Once I caught his stare out of the corner of my eye and then looked at him, he quickly turned and took off walking. Where in the Bible would I find a solution to the situation? I would still like to fix the issue so that the congregation doesn’t have the incorrect information coming across the screens on the last slide.