Can Narcissists Change? The Answer is Complicated

Everybody wants narcissists to change, except the narcissists themselves, generally. Like most mental illnesses, narcissism exists on a spectrum. We all have some narcissistic traits which we either grow out of or perhaps use to our benefit. I think most writers have something of an ego. After all, we think we have things to write which we think others ought to read. And nothing feels better than a complimentary reader.

The real trick is determining if the narcissist in your life has a personality disorder or if he or she is merely immature and self-absorbed. And often, the spouses have front row seats to the show and have to determine for themselves whether their husband or wife is capable of change or if it is better to cut their losses. Because the vast majority of narcissists are not going to go for psychiatric evaluation and would lie even if they did, sometimes we, the victims, have to do our best to figure out what to do.

I realize that probably few of my readers are diagnosticians of mental illness. Neither am I. But eventually abuse and its mental and physical effects add up and we must determine whether it is time to escape. In the story of my marriage to a narcissist, a few detours lengthened our journey. I really believe that God gave my ex every chance to turn from his tendencies. In the end, however, there came a point of no return.

The Conversion of the Narcissist

Nebuchadnezzar is certainly an example of a narcissist who yielded to change. The argument can be made that Saul/ Paul also was a narcissist who submitted to a conversion. Whether Paul was or not is hard to determine. He certainly lacked all empathy towards Christians, but the possibility exists that he held his Jewish faith dear to the point of being a zealot. Many Jews at the time saw Christianity as a dire threat, so he wasn’t alone in this.

I often observe that God does seem to offer narcissists a way out on occasion. I left my ex for the first time about five years into the relationship. While I stayed at my parents’ house, he had what seemed a genuine encounter with God. He claims that he was thrown to the ground and that God really let him have it. For about a year, he was much kinder, gentler, and a bit less controlling. He went to church regularly. I believe God gave him a real chance at growth.

Alas, the change began to diminish gradually after the first year. The reason why I believe the experience was real was because it did last so long. Generally, a narc can only maintain the pretense of change for about three months. Certainly, my subsequent attempts at escape resulted in only very temporary changes to his behavior. Eventually, he began to hang out with men with whom he had two things in common: a love of computers and a hatred of women. The inevitable slide began after a year of church attendance and Bible study.

The Maturing Narcissist

On a more hopeful note, psychologists often note that many outgrow their narcissistic tendencies in their thirties. The change often results from the difficulties of marriage, children, and hard work at a career. Life has a way of humbling us all, does it not? But this is not pathological narcissism or Narcissistic Personality Disorder which the experts are discussing. This is merely the spectrum of selfish and egotistical traits that we all exhibit at one time or another. So what does the husband or wife of the possible narcissist need to know about the possibilities of change?

Reality Check

No cure exists for Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Many conditions masquerade as NPD, such as addiction, depression, and other mood disorders. But while I have seen many with those issues change and heal, I personally have never witnessed a pathological narcissist ever change. And I have known a few. However, NPD can be treated if the narcissist is dedicated to change and has the luck of finding professional help skilled in this particular arena. In my experience, they are few and far between.

Not sure if the person in your life has NPD? Here are a few symptoms that must be present for a diagnosis:

The patient’s idea and importance of self is exaggerated.
Fantasies about beauty, success, and power dominate the individual’s thoughts.
The person thinks they are special, and relate only to other “special” people.
They need to be admired all the time.
They believe they are entitled to most things.
They manipulate and take advantage of others.
They lack empathy, the ability to feel and recognize the feelings and needs of others.
They envy other people.
Their behavior appears haughty or arrogant.

What are they like to live with? Medical News TodayArticle here describes them as:

controlling
egotistical
frequently dissatisfied with the actions of others
prone to blaming others and making them feel guilty for all their problems
losing their temper at the slightest provocation
turning their back and giving people the “silent treatment”
being physically and sexually abusive

What no one likes to admit to is that diagnosing a narcissist is difficult because they are not cooperative. So the family is left to piece the puzzle together for themselves. I wish I could insist that all spouses fighting for custody of their children would insist on a thorough psychiatric evaluation. The diagnosis would go a long way in winning custody agreements.

I feel pity, I suppose, for my ex and how close he came to lasting change. As I enjoy my daughters, I feel some regret that he turned away from love to a life of self-gratification. I am reminded of a story by George MacDonald, a nineteenth century writer, called The Lost Princess. A rich princess has an ugly temper while a poor shepherdess has a problem with pride. In his tale, the angry princess is capable of change. And change she does into a girl capable of love and empathy. But Agnes, though of humble birth, holds onto her narcissism and refuses change.

While MacDonald is asking about the role of parents in forming prideful children (a legitimate question), the ugliness of Agnes’ self-love haunts me still. And the heartfelt repentance of the princess is moving. I wish it were not so, but to all those married to narcissists, it will probably be up to you to determine whether a change is possible or not. And if you have been around and around the merry-go-round of abuse, you probably already know the answer in your heart.

<br /> <br /> <br /> <br />
A an Amazon affiliate, I receive a small commission off purchases at not cost to you.