Conflict: Four Common Misconceptions

I remember attending a seminar about conflict about a dozen years ago. The speaker made the point that conflict in and of itself isn’t good or bad. It is merely an event that must be dealt with. I don’t know if I fully agree with that. Conflict feels pretty awful much of the time, at least to an empathetic person like me who wants everyone to hold hands and sing Kum bah Yah.

Another speaker on the same topic held up a dollar bill in the middle of the room. He made the point that each side of the room saw a totally different side of the same thing. Neither perception was wrong, and the dollar was still a dollar. While I appreciate the impulse to disempower the concept of conflict and render it user-friendly, I can’t quite agree.

Conflict is often messy, painful, and not always resolvable. Knowing when to engage in conflict requires as much wisdom as knowing when to avoid it. And while there are a number of wrong ways to engage in conflict, there is not necessarily one right way. I wish formulas existed for every kind of human dilemma, but the Bible usually gives us principles instead. So I offer my observations and experiences without setting hard and fast rules for engaging in battle.

1: Know what is in your control and what is not.

I am not going to go into the topic of the abuse of authority here except to say that if your conflict is with your employer, in my experience, the protection of the institution far outweighs the protection of the individual. Cynical, perhaps. However, I have not ever seen it go otherwise, whether the institution is secular or religious. So if your conflict is with an institution, make sure you are prepared to lose. Sometimes principles are costly, though that doesn’t negate the need for people willing to stand for what is right.

But sometimes we spend a lot of time agonizing about the correct way to approach a disagreement. We believe that if only we can come up with the right combination of words, then we can somehow manage the reaction of the other side. This is patently false. While avoiding any abusive behavior is paramount, if we communicate clearly, openly, and without giving unnecessary offense, that is enough. We must not hold ourselves accountable for the reactions of others if we know that our actions are above reproach. This means that if the other party reacts badly, abusively, or with outright denial, that is completely on them. In conflict, as in any other situation, we do not own the behavior of other people.

2: Conflict can be worthwhile even if nothing is resolved.

I have the words of Kenny Roger’s song, The Gambler, in my head. Know when to hold them/Know when to fold them/ Know when to walk away/Know when to run… Sometimes engaging in conflict means saying what is right even if it is rejected. The truth is a powerful weapon and if we state what is true in a difficult situation, it makes a difference. It may not change the other person’s mind or heart, but it will begin the process of establishing a boundary. If someone is abusive, it is time to stand your ground. If you allow abusive behavior, you give tacit permission to the abuser to continue. Passivity isn’t the higher ground, though many believe it is.

In cases of abusive behavior, it is definitely time to hold ‘em. If they repent, go ahead and fold ‘em. In cases of repeated offenses, sometimes you have to leave and sometimes you have to put in a restraining order. But I find that in most cases, if I simply bring up the issue in a neutral way, stating my case, the issue is halfway to being resolved. Even if the situation isn’t fixed, I have peace knowing that I did my part. Don’t underestimate the importance of that.

3: Avoiding conflict is not pursuing peace.

Sometimes Christians misuse the verse where Paul tells us to pursue peace with everyone (Hebrews 12:14). We skip the second part of the same verse which directs us to also pursue holiness. Next comes the warning that without that holiness, no one will see the Lord. Pursuing peace and holiness at the same time means correctly discerning which each is. Herein lies the rub.

Peace at all costs allows evil to continue. Noting everyone’s faults and calling them on them is petty and legalistic. Principles must guide us along with the nudges of the Holy Spirit. Here is how I reconcile pursuing peace and holiness together in relationship with others. I always value people over institutions. Honor is valuing people over things.  So in my book, relationship is more important than rules. But I will honor rules if that helps my brother or sister not to stumble.

However, much conflict arises out of one person’s desire to be valued over another person. I will always take the side of the wronged party, even if that party is myself. We like to gloss over abuse. But if we are dealing with lies, verbal abuse, vicious gossip, jockeying for power, or worse then ignoring those will merely create an environment that becomes progressively toxic. Jesus always protected those who couldn’t protect themselves, as did Jehovah in the Old Testament.

On another note, sometimes we don’t speak up because we do not believe it will do anything. This is called learned helplessness. See here for more on that. Suffice it to say that if you do not use your God-given voice, you may be your own prison. Using your voice is the key out of jail in that circumstance.

4: Sometimes it isn’t my job to fix anything.

I don’t know about you, but I like to fix things. I love prayer ministry because I get to partner with Jesus in healing wounds. I sometimes spend too much time worrying about the hurting and the lost because I often feel helpless. Feeling helpless feels lousy. But one of the most important principles I live by is that it is what it is and not something else. And sometimes what it really sucks. However, I have also learned that within certain situations, allowing things to be sub-par is really powerful.

What this looks like is that I do not pretend that I am ok when I am not. I don’t continue in relationship with people who harm me. Situations that are not in my control encourage me to prayer, but little else. I remember that while God is infinitely patient with us, but He does not intervene where He is not invited. I cling to that whenever my ‘fixer’ mentality threatens to take over. Justice belongs to Him. Peace comes from Him. And the only redemption currently available is found in Him. Allowing a situation to fester, especially when you have done all you can, is an act of faith. It means placing your faith in the One who is moving His invisible hand in ways we cannot imagine. `

As an Amazon affiliate, I receive a small commission off purchases at no cost to you.

Four Uncomfortable Truths about Peace