How to Model Emotional Intimacy for Your Children

Emotional intimacy is a term usually reserved for couples. In reality, emotional intimacy is a skill that we learn by observing our parents and by practicing with close friends as we mature. Many parents are careful to withhold any conflicts or even affection from each other in front of their kids. I suppose the reasoning is that somehow children should be insulated from the adult world, free from its worries and problems.

To some extent, I agree. After all, children should not be asked to carry the heavy baggage of adulthood. The baggage of childhood is heavy enough. I never understood why we romanticize childhood. It has its own agonies. Growth is never achieved without struggle and that is what childhood is all about. Growth.

But it is easy to forget as a parent that one is on stage at all times. Even when your kid doesn’t seem to notice you, they notice you. They observe how you treat each other, their siblings, and the whole outside world. They absorb your attitudes about money, relationships, and morality. Adult children may discard or reevaluate your belief system, but they will know it. Your values are a part of their subconscious, gleaned from pregnancy onwards.

So how do we teach our children to have healthy, stable relationships?  The obvious answer seems like it would be having healthy, stable relationships ourselves. And that is part of the equation. But knowing that having a savings account is good is not the same as actually saving money. We need to be intentional about modeling and even inviting our children into emotionally close and fulfilling relationships.

 A Few Suggestions to Encourage Emotional Intimacy:

1: Be a trustworthy confidant.

Even small children have their embarrassing secrets. Emotional intimacy requires a sense of safety. If you find that your children do not confide in you, you need to question yourself a bit. Some children are naturally reserved, of course. I learned this one the hard way, however. I still occasionally blow it, but generally, if my children tell me something in confidence, I keep it that way.

Some parents find this to be offensive advice. They announce that they tell everything to their husband or wife. While obviously I am not advocating the keeping of big secrets like mental illness or addiction, respecting the boundaries of your children means something. I cannot understand why parents feel that embarrassing their children in front of others is acceptable. A parent who does not respect privacy is an over-controlling parent and one who is setting their child up for later havoc.

A good rule of thumb is to ask yourself whether or not the secret is your story to tell. If the child is not in danger to his or herself or others, chances are the confidence can be kept private. Remember, you are your child’s champion, not their parole officer.

2: Learn their love language and love them the way they need to be loved.

I would even go a step further than this and teach them how to love and be loved in all five areas. For reference, see  https://www.5lovelanguages.com/.  Learning to receive love is as important in learning how to give it.

This takes a lot of intention because chances are your child has a different love language than you do. I am physical affection. I have a child who is very much words of affirmation, my weakest language. All the hugs in the world mean nothing to her, but even a little bit of praise goes a long way. Parenting is an uncomfortable business. While your child is battling his or her way into adulthood, you have the task of taking the hits and still cheering them on.

Stretch yourself and go after their hearts. Enforcing rules will never open your child’s heart to you unless you have sown love into their hearts from the beginning.

3: Don’t let them mistreat you. Any kind of abusive behavior kills emotional intimacy.

For every authoritarian parent, there is also an overly permissive one. If you allow your children to mistreat you, whether verbally or emotionally, you are not modeling emotional intimacy. One must have a backbone and a settled sense of self to be able to withstand the pressure of adolescence. Even childhood has its tempests against which one must stand strong.

It is crucial that your children learn to respect us. And they can’t learn to respect us if you do not respect ourselves. Notice I said respect, not fear. More on that in a minute.

Allowing discussion is not the same as allowing disrespectful language. Most two-year-olds take a whack at their parents now and again. Teaching them to treat you well, and eventually, their own spouse and children start as early as those temper tantrums.

4: Fear isn’t a parenting method.

Having a healthy respect of consequences is something most parents want to hand on to their children. But when a child is terrified of mommy or daddy’s reaction, a serious problem is brewing. Respect is built on trust, not fear. Remember, the goal is not compliance. I realize that for some parents, compliance was grilled into them and childhood was little more than boot camp.

However, you will fail to nurture a long-lasting relationship with your children if fear is your principle method. We avoid what we fear. Teenagers have a big job in front of them facing peer pressure. If Mom and Dad are pushing him or her inexorably in one direction, and their peers in another, deception starts to feel like the only way out.

5: Don’t be afraid of truth.

The bottom line about emotional intimacy is that it is based on truth. We sometimes mistakenly think that emotional intimacy is just the good stuff, the hugs, kisses, and happy moments. But emotional intimacy is just relationship with the mask off. You should be having deep conversations with your kids. Do you know their hopes and dreams? Do they know yours? How about each of your disappointments? Kids learn how to handle setbacks from watching you.

If you and your husband tell each other the truth, rather than hiding information like purchases and the like, your children learn to live in the open as well. Emotional intimacy is building a foundation of love, trust, and respect as a platform of support so that when storms hit, the relationship still stands.

I know that this list sets a high bar. But emotional intimacy needs one more ingredient: grace. If we give our kids the benefit of the doubt and believe in them no matter what, then when they do mess up, they know they can come home. In the end, isn’t that what we all need? A posse that will have our backs even when we blow it.

Parenting is rough and step-parenting is rougher. But if you confess your faults to your kids and ask forgiveness, you create an atmosphere in which people are more important than their successes or failures. Relationship always trumps rules. After all, that is what real emotional intimacy is,  honoring the person for who they really are, not what they do or do not do.

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