The Empath Survival Kit: Loving Constructively

Empath is a relatively new term to enter our vernacular. The dictionary defines empath as (chiefly in science fiction) a person with the paranormal ability to apprehend the mental or emotional state of another individual. Signs of an Empath The term has come to mean those people with the spiritual gift of burden-bearing, at least in a Christian context. Are you a burden-bearer? Those of us with this gift can sense the suffering of others and are often motivated to sit with them in their slough of despair. Please note that I am not talking about empaths as intuitives. I am discussing this, not from a New Age perspective but from a Christian and therapeutic or mental health perspective.

To be an empath is to suffer. For many years, I thought that everyone one was like me and could feel the emotions of others around them. But it is simply not true.  In fact, empathy is, for some, a learned trait that usually is only developed after they suffer themselves. It is through their own trials that many learn to have compassion on others similarly afflicted.

So how do we survive carrying our super-sonic antennae around which quiver at the slightest disturbance in the atmosphere? Well, some of us have to learn the hard way. Wait. That is me. I had to learn the hard way. So here are some strategies that keep me and others safe and prevent me from doing and saying foolish things (most of the time).

1: Empath, Don’t Merge

Merging is a sign that we do not have a clear idea of who we are. Merging is a necessary phase that adolescents go through. You have seen the BFF stage in middle school and high school? Well, that is a great way to take the next developmental course in Me, Not Me. People who fall in love often go through this stage as well. We look deeply into each other’s eyes and marvel at how we feel and think exactly the same.  Until we discover something about the other that we definitely do not think or feel. It is at this stage that teenage girls (and boys) get into a fight and lovers sometimes break up.

An empath like myself can often slip into over-identifying with others. Take an empath who has undergone enough trauma (like myself) and that over-identification can mean getting really triggered. Merging creates the temptation to take responsibility for the other person. It can also mean really re-visiting our own trauma and mistaking it for that of the other person. We try to save the other person from their pain, but really, we are just trying to alleviate our own.

What does this look like? Trying to convince an abused woman to leave her abusive spouse. Or buying a person with a low self-esteem a wardrobe and makeover to help them feel good about themselves. In other words, empaths often become co-dependent, making great effort to solve other’s problems that deep down, the empath suffers from as well.

2: Stop the Empathetic Projection

To understand projection, think of a movie theater. The reels pass over the light bulb and thus are projected onto a blank screen. As an empath, I can sometimes do this to other people. If I am not careful, I can project my own experiences, my own life movie, onto the blank screen of another person.

Here’s the catch. No one is a blank screen. An empath can be so quick to sense emotion, that they sometimes rewrite other people’s stories for them. How can you tell if you are super-imposing your own story onto another? Understand that everyone’s story is unique. The threads of every human story intertwine with others, but that doesn’t mean any two threads are identical.

3: Understand True Compassion

Compassion is situation-specific. For example, a study of babies recently showed that when a baby or toddler expressed a need for attention, our response, even when positive, could be unpleasant for the child unintentionally. Of course, neglect is experienced as abuse. But the brain registers an over-reaction as mildly traumatic as well. For instance, if your baby wants soothing and you attempt to entertain him or her through singing, over-feeding or too much stimulation, the baby experiences stress. All the baby wanted was reassurance.

Here is makes that difficult. You as the parent have to guess the scale of their needs since babies and toddlers don’t have words. This doesn’t change for many adults. We don’t have words all the time, either. To make matters more complicated, we have to weigh their needs against our resources when ministering to adults. Prayer or a listening ear is sometimes all that is needed. Sometimes money or time. But if you are an empath, you want to solve all the issues all the time. Slow down, Super Woman or Captain Fabulous. God is the only one capable of solving anyone’s issues and even then, His hands are tied by our free will.

4: Stay in Your Lane, Empath!

The biggest temptation for an empath is to open up our doors and let anyone in. And if no one is forthcoming, we search for people to feel for and love. And sometimes, we get ambushed. Ever walked into a crowd and been overwhelmed by the onslaught of emotions? Or perhaps walked into a room and felt the tension? Here is where good boundaries, while good for everyone, are essential for the empath.

Rule number one: be at home and safe within your own self. Rule number two: Don’t let just anyone in. Rule number three: Have a retreat strategy. Make sure you have a sanctuary that is for you alone. For me when I had six kids in the house, it was my closet. I could pray there, sit in silence, and shut down. Just the fact that you are an empath means that you get hit by a lot of arrows, even ones not intended for you.  For the empath, self-care isn’t about getting your nails done. It is about restricting the access of others to your heart and mind.

If you think that sounds selfish, remember Jesus, the ultimate empath, took time for himself, limited his ministry time, and had three really close friends. And the problem with empaths is that we often mistake self-care or as I think of it – survival – as withholding from others. None of us have enough love potion to pour out over the world. That is Jesus’ job. Besides, the real purpose of the empath is to give Jesus the burdens of others, not carry them themselves.

5: Stop Flirting with Burn-out

An empath can burn so brightly but only for so long. Every fire needs oxygen and a fuel source. If we are depressed, feel helpless, can’t get enough rest, or can’t separate ourselves from the suffering of others, we will not last long. For me, solitude and silence are necessary. I don’t look for those who suffer. I let God bring them to me. (And He does) I abide in Jesus. I don’t try to save others from their emotions. Instead, I keep myself safe, both for myself and for them. If I experience myself as peaceful, that peace communicates to others.  And lastly, I try to see what my Father in Heaven is doing and align myself with that.

Eight years ago, I had exhausted myself in my attempt to save the world. Now I realize that the world is already saved… that is if it accepts the salvation freely offered it. I am just the handmaiden of the Lord, redeeming the time and loving others with the love He gives me. I am an empath, but I am not miserable. How many can say the same?

#Triggered: Burden-Bearing without Bondage

The books I recommend on the topic have Christian worldviews and do not promote an occultic or paranormal standpoint. As an Amazon affiliate, I receive a small commission on purchases at no cost to you.