Financial Abuse and the Narcissist: 15 Tell Tale Signs

I didn’t know that financial abuse existed for the first several years of my marriage. I knew, of course, that the absolute hold that my ex had over our money wasn’t right. Not until I confronted a poster about domestic violence in a public restroom in Big Bear, CA, did I realize that a name, financial abuse, existed for my agony and bondage.

No one really discusses the long term effects of narcissistic financial abuse. Just when we think we are recovered, another little well of pain opens up for us to explore and drain. For me, money is one of those deeper wells. After my divorce, I found myself with a starvation syndrome. I could not feel safe unless I had a pantry over-filled with food. The lack I suffered married to my first husband really affected my ability to handle money. Even having money in my possession felt uncomfortable. I was trained to always expect the narcissistic inquisition. I didn’t know how to have money.

So this list isn’t completely comprehensive but thorough enough that if you have suffered narcissistic financial abuse, you will recognize these signs.

Personal Financial Abuse: A narcissist will:

1. Take great delight in destroying your personal possessions, particularly ones that mean a lot to you. My ex burned all of my poetry from my graduate program. I did not recover copies for two decades.
2. Steal from you and other family members. I did not know until twenty years after our marriage than he had stolen checks from his father to finance our honeymoon.
3. Appropriate any money or gifts to you. I was never allowed to keep or spend any birthday gifts on myself. In fact, he once kicked me and my daughters out for spending the $100 his parents had given me for my birthday on groceries.
4. Rigidly control all aspects of the money. Despite the fact that I was the only wage-earner for the majority of our marriage, my ex would ravage my purse for receipts for diet coke on the days I worked 12 or more hours. He once threw a fit over my purchasing potatoes at 10 cents a pound more than he had authorized.
5. Refuse to pay your bills. After I left, my credit had been destroyed from his refusal to pay my medical bills.

Institutional Financial Abuse:

1. Open secret bank accounts or refuse you access to money or records. I later discovered that he had income and savings I knew nothing about. He hid them, anticipating divorce.
2. Open credit cards in your name. I have a friend whose ex did this and after the marriage was over, she found herself with tens of thousands of dollars of debt. All the while, he had claimed he was receiving bonuses.
3. Lie about debt and hide their finances. Often they will blame their victims for poor spending habits to deflect from their own expenditures.
4. Open credit accounts in their children’s names.

Taxes:

1. Many narcissists refuse to pay taxes at all. They will rail at the government and hide their money in illegal tax evasion schemes.
2. Commit tax fraud through various methods- declaring extra dependents and extra expenses.
3. Deplete tax savings or retirement accounts secretly.

Employment:

1. Prevent their victims from working. One of my most painful memories is landing my first teaching job only to have my keys to the car taken from me. I had to quit before I even began, leaving the college without a teacher on the first day of school.
2. Sabotage educational opportunities. I am so blessed to be able to have my Master’s. I believe the only reason he allowed it is because I had free tuition and a small teaching stipend. However, I was not allowed to continue on to get my Ph.D. though I was accepted into a top tier school.
3. Harass you at work or undermine you with your coworkers or boss.

I am reminded of Smaug, the dragon in the book, The Hobbit. He sat on his pile of gold and guarded it for its sake alone. The true motive behind greed isn’t in the use of resources. It is in the having of the resources at the expense of others. Greed hoards money for its own sake. Greed relishes the power of money while often caring little for the things it can buy. Avarice cares for the things themselves. The avaricious find pleasure in many possessions.

My ex fell into the greed category though he certainly made sure he had what he wanted. Still, he didn’t seem to care about fancy clothes or furnishings. Control, particularly over money, is what financial abuse is really about.

One of the things I love about Jesus is that His relationship with money is one of trust and overflow. He gives and receives without measure. But if you or someone you love is recovering from the trauma of financial abuse, expect it to take some time. The feeling of poverty inflicted by financial abuse can sink deeply into one’s psyche. For years, even discussing money with my current and wonderful husband caused such anxiety that I would get very angry. Not at him, mind you, but in general. It was a protective response as if my body was fighting a battle that my mind had already lost.

Now I realize that financial abuse can really cause PTSD. Those times of anger were flashbacks in a sense.  I am recovering from a mindset of chronic lack and throw myself often into the River of Life. I believe that is the meaning of Matthew 13:12:

Whoever has will be given more, and they will have an abundance. Whoever does not have, even what they have will be taken from them.

Constant poverty of spirit leads only to lack. Despite the narcissists in our lives, we must learn to have, to be full in Christ, in order to live in abundance.

Six Signs You Experience an Abundant Life

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