Gaslighting 101: Eight Signs You’re a Victim
Gaslighting was a way of life for me while I was married to my narcissistic ex-husband. I just didn’t know it. Later, as I became aware of the various techniques of gaslighting, I realized that I had been a gullible victim of this technique. Perhaps I shouldn’t say gullible. The truth is that many victims of narcissistic abuse don’t discern what is happening because their own hearts are not evil. People have a tendency to perceive reality through the lens of their own motivations. If their motivations are pure, it rarely occurs them that others have wicked intent.
I frequently get emails from victims of narcissistic abuse. Often, I try to point out and describe gaslighting because it takes clarity and intention to successfully leave an abuser. So first let me start with a concrete definition.
Here is Wikipedia’s entry as a baseline understanding:
Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation that seeks to sow seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or in members of a targeted group, making them question their own memory, perception, and sanity. Using persistent denial, misdirection, contradiction, and lying, it attempts to destabilize the victim and delegitimize the victim’s belief.
Note that gaslighting can happen to both a person and a targeted group of people. Gaslighting is commonly used by dictators and cult leaders who after all are just narcissists with real power. Still not sure if you have a boss, partner, or friend who is gaslighting you? Look for these signs:
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Implausible Denial:
An abuser will absolutely deny that events occurred even if you can provide evidence. This, in and of itself, can destabilize a sane 
person. An abuser will vehemently deny that he or she said such and such or that what you are talking about has any truth. Doing this over and over is actually a form of mind control. We begin to believe other’s versions of reality if they really stick to their story.
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Dedicated Dishonesty:
A narcissist will often lie utterly blatantly. Our general dedication to keeping the peace and avoiding public confrontation often keeps us from saying anything. But this lying is deliberate. It keeps the victim in a state of anxiety about everything the narcissist says. The game plan of the narcissist is to keep his victim from guessing his or her next move. If they can get you to accept what they say without comment, they have set up a precedent that allows them to play with reality.
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Vindictive Gossip:
Gaslighting attempts to alienate the victim from support. A common method employed is to tell the victim that mutual friends said terrible things about the victim. This drives a wedge in the victim’s mind between him or her and friends, even if they question the abuser’s truthfulness. Often an experienced gaslighter will say things like No one really likes you. You are so lucky to have me to stand by you. They want to secure your loyalty in order to better manipulate you.
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Devastating Critique:
Gaslighting is always an attempt to gain psychological control of another person. One way to do this is to criticize the victim harshly and then offer a couple of compliments. What this does is make those compliments seem really valuable and the supposed character flaws to be avoided at all costs. Someone who wants to please will fall for it every time.
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Cruel Jokes:
I was just kidding! You are too sensitive. Stop taking everything so seriously says the experienced sociopath. This is another way of pulling the emotional rug out from someone. It simultaneously invalidates a victim’s true feelings while getting the narcissist off the hook. This becomes the free ticket out of jail for the abuser. After all, they didn’t really mean it. Or did they?
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Public Humiliation:
Gaslighting pulls out all the stops when it comes to seizing power. And one way a grown-up bully does this is by humiliating his or victim in public with devastating put-downs. I remember one man casually telling me how lazy and stupid his wife was while she stood there mute with her head down. She offered no protest because she had been married to this sleaze bag for twenty years. I imagine she believed it.
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Reframing Reality:
One of the ways my ex-husband tried to brain-wash was twisting and reframing situations. Things he had done were my fault. At one point he spent eight hours at night trying to convince me that I was destroying the family by working as an instructor at a local college than at a factory. He, himself, never held down a job during our marriage. By this time, I was on to him and knew him to be a destroyer. His parents were very confused by his crusade and why he would want me to take on a lower-paying job that required far more hours.
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Sleep Deprivation:
Exhaustion wears out a person quickly. He woke me up and often the children as well and insisted that we redo chores we had not done correctly. He was just helping the kids be responsible, he would say. He would go on rampages and empty out closets 
and drawers because he wasn’t willing to live in a pigsty, according to his version of reality. I complied because then I could go back to sleep more quickly. He, however, mostly slept all day and was up all night. Exhaustion wears the fight out of a person. A boss that doesn’t give you time to recoup may be gaslighting you.
Do not, under any circumstances, kowtow to these gaslighting techniques. If you are the type who blames yourself for issues, you need to take special note of any gaslighting techniques. I always tell every woman who emails me to see a therapist skilled in this if she can. Sometimes we just need outside counsel in order to see what is directly in front of us.
And as a warning, I want to end with the scene where Jesus is judging the flock in Matthew 25. The righteous ask When did we see you hungry? Jesus’ response is that every time they fed the poor, they fed Him. But the unrighteous ask the same question. When did we see you hungry? His response is that when they did not feed the poor, they neglected Him.
But the very question is an attempt to gaslight Jesus when asked by the unrighteous. The question that in the heart of a whole person is about humility becomes an attempt to question Jesus’ version of reality in the heart of the unrighteous. In the heart of the cruel, the question When did we see you becomes an attempt to deny any wrongdoing. But the unrighteous do not perceive the magnitude of their affront to Jesus, who is Reality.
Do not be fooled. Abusers are after absolute control of you and your life. They are slippery devils but they are devils nonetheless.
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20 Comments
AMV70R
Thanks for sharing your story ❤ it can help so many.
Gayle
I was a part of a friends group of 5 woman, I was invited into the group by one of them after taking part in several social get togethers. I was new to the area & was happy to have a group of friends although I like my own company & happily spend time on my own or with my husband or family. The group suited me because we chatted online & made definite plans for get togethers so it didn’t invade my life, which can happen.
Anyway, I got the distinct feeling early on that one in the group didn’t like me very much but was gushing with her private msgs. Then she would do blatant digs at me in group get togethers that no one else seemed to notice & I would just ignore. She would suddenly burst into tears when we were out to lunch, this would get her lots of attention but I couldn’t take part, seemed manipulative to me. Sometimes she would sit quietly with her arms folded listening but not joining in.
It all became hard work, she would gush over photos of the others grandchildren but ignore things that I would send on our group msg. After we had video chats during covid lockdown, she would send me private msgs saying that she hoped she hadn’t offended me by saying whatever she did. I would always respond positively to her, not wanting to give her anything to use against me with the group.
Is this a narcissist?
My husband & I decided to sell our home & move closer to family after covid lockdowns.
It became blatantly obvious that the group was meeting & chatting in exclusive of me & that went on for months. I’m not imagining that this was happening as the chatting on messenger became sporadic & then things were discussed that I knew nothing about. In the end, all msg stopped & I deleted the group. I received a msg from the one who had invited me to the group, acknowledging that I’d left & wishing me all the best. I wanted to tell her the goings on but wasn’t sure if she was a part of it all or not. I don’t know what’s been said about me behind my back.
I was hurt by the going’s on but I’m a strong person & my husband helped me see things for what they were. I guess I want some confirmation of what I’d been through, I wondered at times if I was losing my mind.
Diane
Wow this is so true!!! I feel like you could have had a window looking into my former marriage. Everything you said is spot on! Thank you so much for sharing this information and your story!!
Doc lovely
Why is it always the man who is the narcissist? This was done to me for four years by my ex-lover. My father finally caught on and helped me decide to leave her, but by that time my self worth was so low I almost drank myself to death. I now am in an amazing relationship with the woman of my dreams. Could you possibly touch on the fact that it isn’t always a male in the narcissistic role? Thank you.
Sunshyne Gray
Great job covering a complicated topic. It’s so true that it’s hard to realize it’s happening because there is so much self doubt. It really helps to talk to a trusted friend or counselor to help gain insight and crush the self doubts. Thank you for sharing!
Jasmin
This is so spot on and timely as I was just saying this to someone yesterday. Hopefully, sharing this article and your website will help.
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mosesanemhen
Indeed madam Alice is an open book. She hides nothing. A lot of experiences has been shared. Your blog is extra-ordinary. God bless you.
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Jyot
My mother in law fit into all perfectly except 1.
And my husband also fits into some of the points. I am so stressed in this marriage but in Indian society divorce is still rare. I hope I get good information on how to handle it and live a happy life.
Nanci Saucedo
It takes so much energy from them or does it give them energy realizing I might just of been in a GASLIGHTING relationship it scares the he’ll out of me but I am trying to get away from the pain that I endured these past several years.
Anonymous
Thanks for sharing my late husband did everything till I thought I was going crazy, I became an alcoholic, started overdose with sleeping tablets and also hurting myself physically. This only manage to convince my daughter, my family and his friends that I am crazy somehow I managed to leave him was leaving a normal life alone but a few months ago he passed away and my daughter who I managed to get close to after so many years started blaming me again he managed to brain washed her. Everday I am still fighting cause I am not giving up this time.
Withheld
This is what I got out of. Watched it with my daughter. She moved cross country, but yet the noose is still evident at times. Sadly, now watching this occur with my 18yr old son. I sent him this article. But the blinders have already been placed on his head.
Anonymous
They are the devil and almost destroy your life family and your kids
Anonymous
Thank you for sharing. My husband dose all of these things .
Natalie
This is spot on. I’ve been going through this for 3 years now. And I have a feeling the other woman is also probably looking at the same things I am. The trauma bond is one of the worst things to go through. I will never understand how these people think. I will never understand how these people hurt innocent souls. Thank you for this article.
Anonymous
I wish I had this article 25 or more years ago. I got out!!!! Best thing I ever did for myself. There are stories. The mean jokes. Telling my family that I can’t cook unless it comes out of a can. (he was well fed) Lies, I knew they were lies but never told him I knew he was lying. The story just goes on and on.
Calene
I really enjoyed reading this, it was like reading a checklist of my husband. I have been told before he was like this but other therapists I have seen have not noticed anything and it just makes me reel. That fine line between what you know happened and the picture they make you stare at is insanity. So helpful. Thank you for writing this and shedding light on grace we need to give ourselves for being in these situations, and not holding our heads down because of it.
Susan
Thanks for the info ur spot on!Been living with one for 51 yrs thinking it would get better, but no worse. I’m in a rehab center and won’t go home, don’t trust and feel safe. So we’re bascically separated. He doesnt want to see me anymore cause he cant control me!