The Narcissistic Husband: The Day God Set Me Free
To be married to a narcissistic husband is to live a half-life. Your body keeps going, but your mind and heart gradually die within you. That God did not want me to die came as a surprise to me. And some might think that title is scandalous. Some believe that God would never condone leaving one’s husband. I know that my fear of divorce kept me from escaping a narcissistic husband for over ten years. My belief that God valued the institution of marriage over the safety of my children and myself disrespected Him as Abba. He is a good, good Father. We should fear God more than we fear divorce.
Now, nineteen years out from that disaster, my regrets center on not leaving far earlier. I lived in a lot of denial for years. One has to cultivate denial in order to survive, much less stay, in a marriage that was as abusive as mine. And just how abusive it was did not fully dawn on me until I disclosed, ten years later, details of the torment to my counselor. The look of horror and grief on her face showed me just how far from normal my first marriage had strayed. The names my narcissistic husband called me, the frequent humiliations, the control, and degradation; I told no one about these things until a decade later. And I am not the only one who has a hard time talking about intimate terrorism.
God is mighty to save (even from a narcissistic husband)
But this story is about how the Lord intervened and rescued me and my four daughters from a man who dedicated himself daily to our destruction. I had spent a year really committed to praying for my narcissistic husband. I prayed for him day and night. I knew there was something terribly wrong with him, but I did not understand what a narcissist was. I recently read the book Changes that Heal by Henry Cloud. Most people know him through his book, Boundaries. In it, he spoke about how we cannot hold ourselves responsible for another’s happiness. I realized that both my ex and I held me solely responsible for his happiness. And, of course, I was doomed to fail.
However, the Lord strengthened me through that time of prayer. All the spiritual books I read were mentors. The more I was freed from my fear of my narcissistic husband and the more I depended on the Lord for my emotional needs, the stronger I became. John could see the difference, and the change only made his behavior worse. I fully believe he was resisting the conviction of the Holy Spirit. When I caught him burning his Bible in the trash bin, I knew he was quickly reaching a point of no return. He burned a lot of things that belonged to me and my daughters. It was an obsession with him.
I had fled twice before with my daughters. Each time, he would go through an elaborate courtship to get me back. Dates and phone calls that lasted hours. Things would be barely tolerable for a month or two, and then the moods and the abuse would creep back in. A narcissist cannot sustain change for longer than a few months. After he won me back, the next phase would be to punish me for leaving.
It was late March 2000, and I came home from work (he never held a job the duration of our marriage) to see that my narcissistic husband had thrown away all my seedlings. I was nurturing them until I could plant them after the last frost. I had a large and fruitful garden. Every single little sprout was gone. At that moment, the Lord said as clearly as I have ever heard Him in my spirit,
“Everything you plant, he will uproot,” God spoke to my heart.
A bit shocked, I ran upstairs to my little prayer closet. I could feel the Lord physically releasing me from my marriage. He told me to leave, and my brain could hardly contain the information. I had held on so long to the idea of marriage at all costs. But God had different plans, thank goodness.
God does not shame victims of abuse
The shame issue remained. “Lord,” I said, “If I divorce him, then I will have failed. I will be divorced.”
“John 8:11,” the Lord said to me. I didn’t know what verse that was, so I opened my Bible. It read, “And neither do I condemn you.” That verse ends the story about the woman who was being stoned for adultery. God did not shame her. Honestly, I have never been embarrassed since being divorced. Some have judged me, but the Lord freed me from any sense of shame about it. That alone is a miracle because, for a long time, I feared divorce more than God or my destruction. One word from the Lord toppled what was an idol. He is to be exalted above marriage.
Even then, I worried about what would happen to John. Even though I did not understand the nature of mental illness then,
I knew he was very sick in his mind and spirit. And soul ties are strong after ten years of marriage. Immediately on the screen of my mind, the words “2 Timothy 3:5” appeared. I turned to that verse, and all I could see were the words, “Let these men go.”
Now I understand that no contact is the only safe contact with a narcissistic husband. But all I understood then was that the Lord wanted me to have nothing to do with John or his extremely wealthy father with whom he was enmeshed. At that moment, I resolved to leave. I left within the week. The difference this time was I did not flee in fear. I left under the direction and blessing of the Holy Spirit. And this time, John did not come after me.
With God’s help, escaping a narcissist is possible
I worked at a small Baptist university. They kindly gifted me with a check for $200. I took out a credit card, and the girls and I picked out a shamelessly feminine sofa. Together, my four daughters and I put together a modest house that felt like home for the first time in years. On our first night in our little rented home in Kentucky, we sat around the table and my oldest and I looked at each other. We knew what the other was thinking. We didn’t have to lie anymore to survive. We didn’t have to live in the fear a narcissist can hold over his family.
Suddenly, possibilities opened up. The entire world seemed new. And this time, my father, who had researched domestic violence, came out. He stayed until he knew I would not go back. That blessing alone gave me the strength to face the rest of my family.
I lived as a single mom for nearly five years before I remarried. Of course, difficulties emerged. However, the Lord was faithful to meet my needs. He is close to the widow (or the divorcee’). And I didn’t mourn the marriage at all. Mourning a narcissist in this situation would be like mourning my jailor. My mourning came during the marriage, as my hopes for love and bonding within that relationship died. That first night, though, the Lord turned my attention to the book of Joel.
“I will repay you,” He said to me. “I will repay you for the years the locust has eaten.”
And praise God. He has done that and more.
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46 Comments
kristenshane
Thank you for sharing your story with us!!! I love your honesty 🙂
Anonymous
God opened a door for me to escape my narcissist husband too.
He prepared the way in advance. Looking back I see His hand in all of it.
Hazel Mante
wow praise God,i finally found this kind of topic..Christian awareness.idolizing married over God’s presence of peacefulness, mercy and grace..because many Christians believers thought that you have to sacrifice for the sake of marriage instead of obedience to God.Satan tactic to disturb and torture the children of God.praise God he sets me free from my narc X husband.we used to sleep at our church and friends house everytime he abuses us, almost kill us and all the mental torture..such hell living.. But here in the Philippines theirs to devorse only annulment.. I hope and pray that our most high God Jesus sets us free all the broken hearted and devastated life because of those human form evil doers.Hope many people comes out and expose the silent pandemic of narcissistic spirit that is all over the world.
Anonymous
I can’t even believe how similar my story is to yours I pray every day to be free from them both husband and father. Please pray for my freedom.
Anonymous
Thank you for sharing your story. I had a very similar experience. God released me by sending a stranger to speak to me. She came up to me and said “God is asking me to tell you something. He wants you to be free, and you never will be with this man”. Those words are etched in my heart, as God released me from a horrific marriage. It is a scary thing to divorce a narcissist, yet I never mourned the loss of my marriage to him either.
Anonymous
You are speaking of 2 Timothy 3:5, You might want to edit your article. My translation says avoid such people.
Alice Mills
I did! Thanks for the catch!
Kym
So much Love to you and your girls ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️Praise to our Wonderful God for his compassion , guidance and the Strength he gave you for now being able to lead the life you and your girls deserve ❤️
Vivienne McLemore
He is a loving and faithful God. He will deliver us from those who harm us. I’m glad you’ve found freedom and peace.
Angela Royse Pelleman
Alice, your story is heart-breakingly beautiful. I thank God that you left your narcissistic abusive marriage. I’m so proud of you for seeking God during the stormy trial you endured. I felt like crying for joy when I read about how you finally felt at home in your new little house with your four daughters! My breath caught in my throats when I readabout yourseedlings. For that is exactly how it is to live life with a narcissist. My mother undid every good thing I planted, and is still trying to destroy my life and reputation to this day. But what these narcissists do not understand is the POWER and AUTHORITY of The Holy Spirit! Weareorotectedandsecireas God’s children, and we are meant to be free and heal and have joy! I know the freedom that comes from escaping a narcissistic, self-centered, toxic relationship. For me, it was going no-contact with my mom. It’s been six years, and I’ve never been more free, protected, and joyful. I feel like I’m slowly finding myself under all the layers of pain and lies she piled on top of me. I don’t know if you ever considered this, but you actually followed God’s commandment when you left your husband. For the Bible says, “And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or wife or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life” (Matt. 19:29). Wow! That’s what YOU did! Your ex-husband burned his Bible, and you chose to leave your house for Jesus! Your reward is going to be huge! Imagine that mansion waiting for you in Heaven! May God bless you immensely, in Jesus’ name! 💙
For anyone that would like more knowledge, support, and encouragement as a present or past victim of narcissistic abuse; which is presented in a godly way with Christ at the center, please visit me at The Silver Lining, and click on the topic NARCISSISM. Here is a link, and the posts have just gotten started. https://angelaslittleattic.com/?s=Narcissism. I also have a ministry page where you can find daily encouragement, at http://www.facebook.com/angelaslittleattic. God is leading me to do even more ministry in teaching others about narcissistic abuse. One way, I have been being led, is in the sharing of others’ experiences. It lets people know they are not alone, that narcissism is an evil and real problem, disguised as ordinary “nice” people: wolves in sheep’s clothing. I would love to share this post on my blog; it would be an honor. Thank you for writing it. I know it took a lot of courage! 💙💙
Anonymous
I’m praying God will set me and my granddaughters free from my narcissistic husband . I got him out of the house now he’s trying to take my girls away from me. Please pray for me and my girls we dont deserve this life of fear anymore.
Edda Rivera
Im in the midst if doing the same. May sound strange but i love my husband and relaize his illness it not his fault oer say. Uts been hell for 22 yrs but want nothing more for him to be healed as well. They are stuck within themsekves suffreing as well. They didn’t choose ti be like this. I know theres a goid man inside that was once a victim of alot himself as a boy. As i begin my life away from him. It sadens me that they dont love . They dont really love themselves or their children or anyone really. They need help its impossible that a god so loving would leave them roamning in the dark reeking havok and not heal their aching wounded hearts. Hurt ooeple hurt poeple. As my suffering dise not go away i have undertsnding niw that i didnt and ut makes me ache for my husbands still married not yet divorced salvation as well. Hes a lost soul and i wish nithing more than for him to break the chains and be ok and better fir himself and his kids. It all hurts. Im glad to jave walked away but also ache for his salvation as well.
Anonymous
God just wants his children to be happy.
Laura
Edda, they do not want to be healed. God would heal them if they adk, but they’ve made themselves their God and would not dream of asking for help.
Alice
Great testimony!
Anonymous
Thank you..I am still here..and for so long believing that God will hate me if I left my marriage. your story has turned something in me, iv been ready..just so scared!
Anonymous
God is so faithful! I’ve walked your journey. Very difficult time in life & yet the growth from leaning on the Lord is priceless! We can always trust the Lord – even when it doesn’t make sense! Thanks for sharing your story. I’ve wondered how to share mine without getting in trouble with “him”.
Anonymous
Wow.. Ther scripture refrences made me to make up my mind.. You are a copy of my current situation, i believe abd trust the Lord that as i start to free myself as an inspiration from you, i will complete to the end.. Thank you so much.. My concern is and was a broken marriage and that God doesn’t find jog in it.. I quote the only ways save from a narz is no contact. We have been trying for 3 years now, but i am always left bruised, broken and confuse, from today onwards i refuse to be and to live a life God has called me to be.
Anonymous
I literally felt and heard God tell me it was time to leave. I prayed, went to counseling and reached out to my pastor trying to decide what to do when I caught him cheating yet again. I stayed for almost six months after listening to him tell me it was my fault. If I hadn’t gone through his stuff I wouldn’t have known he was cheating. He wasn’t cheated, she was just a friend who he talked to. What right did I have to tell him who he could talk too. It all came to head when he lost it one night in front of our adopted children that were 4 and 5. He smashed light switches in the house because I wouldn’t turn the lights off. His adult son(my stepson) and him then proceed to make a up a story about how I “verbally abused” his nineteen year old son. While I was downstairs doing the laundry they called the police on me!! Our four adopted children were out of foster care and had witness domestic violence and police coming to their home with their bio parents. That was my wake up call. I decided at that moment no matter what I was getting them out of the violence. It has been the most expensive and heartbreaking three years but I have my children. And because he was unable to milk every dime he could out of the children last week he filed to terminate his parental rights. Praise be that my children and I will be free of his abuse!! It took me 7 years to see how crazy he was. I’m not sure narcissists even describes him. Sociopath!
Andrea Wiener
I’m so glad that God helped you and got you out of a very difficult time!
Trisha
I needed just this! God ! Thank you for sharing your story . God led me here after delivering me and allowing me to see things with my spiritual eyes instead of the natural after 20 years. I am in the next stage of my process to becoming completely free of this tormenting spirit .
Margarita
Thank you for sharing your story. Wow, your story sounds like mine , only both my parents were narcissists. I didn’t know what all this was and I fell into marriage after marriage with one narcissist after another. Thank you God I live far from them, except for this one. That was/is pure evil. And I actually started to understand this, I guess,, when I saw the Ted Bundy movie on Netflix, I couldn’t even finish it.. i started to read what i could about these evil people and discovered Narcissist information. I even ordered a book about profiling.. this really aggravated him.. i leaned on God went to church and He told me “to love him harder” I left church upset but resolved to do what God told me too. This man got worse and horrible, my kids would NEVER come out of their rooms. He did horrible things and somehow I managed to stay composed and kept on loving him. This drove him mad,, and one morning he was just gone!!!
Praise God!!! Im in my room thinking I was Judas Escariot, and that there was no hope for me. I was honestly hoping I would see Jesus or an angel. I decided to just lock myself away from my kids. See the damage was done to them to and as there mother the blame on me is so heavy and excruciating. I have thought I was cursed(he and his mother practice sorcerey and she gave her son to Satan in some weird ritual,, thats why I thought I was i in his life to help him) my kids and I have experienced horrible things. I figured out how to fight those demons and I can even tell when he is doing evil on me now. But for some reason I feel in the dark. I have been no contact for 6 months and filed for divorce right before going no contact. I do need help. I realize I need to fix me first, I really need to help my babies!!! Thank you for sharing! God bless you so much!!
Dyn
So encouraging testimoney for victims of narcistic abusers like me.I faced little more worser situation and now on no contact.As in India,its very hard to undergo divorce,i pray for his death,for whom i prayed for 2years .I have ongoing regret why i havnt escaped earlier by fearing divorce from this cruel man who never loved me.
Virginia Orona
I escaped from my sadist narcisst who his behind a mask of religion. He raped me with a wooden walking cane. I almost lost my life hemoraging. He gas lighted cheated. Put hidden devices in my home car and phone. He lied to the court and his family. Acused me of cheating while he had prostitues.. The people who really know you will know who u really are. Those who dont and enable the monster are not worth having in your life. Im so glad there are women who know the truth!! God hates abuse get out now !! I took me 5 times to escape. Little by little i was putting a small basket in storage. I asked for help ..i told the truth publically got a domestic restraint order and criminal order. The way you get rid of a narcissit is to do it publicly. They will recoil like a vampire to light. U get the picture. God does not want you in an abusive relationship period. I am so very happy !! Thank God every morning when the sun rises hes out of my life! He will strike again. I know his family covers up for him. They hid his sexual criminal past from me for decades . I just wanted to say im glad people are speaking up. People get the word of God twisted. You are not a door matt. A sex slave or object. You are God daughter. Get out and happy. If i did it so can you. Peace
Anonymous
Thank You for sharing. We have an awesome God.
Anonymous
Thank you for sharing this. Truly I was lead by our loving Father in a very similar way. I am 20 years married with 3 kids and I finally left a month ago. Although it was not easy to do, the words God spoke to me in the midst of my torment have still encouraged and comforted me every day. God bless your family and your amazing faith in Him! 💓
Alison
Thank you for sharing. I too went through the same feelings of not wanting to divorce a narcissist for fear of breaking my vow before God. But he saved me from the abuse. Literally, I felt him guide me with receiving help from friends and family. God doesn’t want us to live in abuse.
Mickey
Thank you for this .. I happened on it by accident .. my husband if there is such a thing is quiet about it and for it behind my back.. I find out later when he has done and says it wasn’t him .. he throws things away of mine and said he thought it was his .. he puts his clothes in my drawers saying I thought it was yours .. I know what he is trying to do is to make me into what he wants..
Lisa
Thank you for your honesty and openness without the gory details. I have my own gory details that make for PTSD moments and I take on the hurt of other women in similar circumstances, but it only hurts my heart in the end because I’ve added it to my internal rage against him my narcissist husband. I’m still in the stage of looking for a third door…it’s difficult and drainingly complicated. Contact/No Contact. Keep these articles coming! I’d love to hear how your girls fared AND how to overcome feelings of guilt that, “if only” I could have had the energy and clarity to be perfect he’d be here and love us.
Renee
I admire your clarity and relationship with God. I know He has made me strong to be able to leave after many years of narcissistic abuse. Scars that no one can see and if you haven’t lived it you have no idea what people survive. I only wish I had my two younger kids full time. They are seeing him for what he is and really don’t want to go to his house. I pray to God to help me heal and for their safe return. If you have any other prayers to offer up, I would be interested.
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Trisha
The article refers to 2 Titus 3:5 it’s actually 2 Timothy 3:5 and this only stuck out to me because that’s the Word God gave me that I’m holding fast to.
Lori
Thank you for this. I am in the middle of divorcing a narcissist after 13 years of marriage. I met him when I was 19 and now looking back at the 10 years of a relationship before marriage, it was all toxic and he was definitely abusivo then too, only I didn’t understand it that way. I understood that it was my fault and I needed to be better. Now after educating myself for over a year about narcissistic abuse and seeing the effects it has had on our 9 yr old daughter as well, I made the decision to file for a divorce. I felt a lot of guilt that God would be angry with me for not honoring my vows. You’ve helped me understand that he’s making a way for me and my daughter to be free of the abuse. Thank you. God bless you.
Alisha
Thank you for sharing your story. I feel like God directed me to your story. I stayed married for 10 years for exactly the same reasons until God freed me from the suffering and oppression. My escape went down in a much different and more violent way but the result is still the same….I’m free from the narcissist. God also spoke to me in the same ways, using the Bible. It’s very uplifting to see that God has freed others from abusive men. I too used to believe there were no acceptable reasons for divorce other than adultery, death, or if the unbelieving spouse chooses to leave. But clearly, God is merciful and good and understands that his children also need to be safe and in a nurturing environment where spiritual growth can take place.
SaraPA
I finally got freed from my horribly abusive narcissist. I felt I was reading every page from my own life while reading your chapter. Thank you for your testimony! It feels amazing to be FREE!
Ana
I am so glad you have shared your story and that you heard God speak to you!!
I was married to a Covert Narcissist for 14 years before I began to realize who and what he truly was.
He had abused me in almost every way possible without me realizing it! There were always excuses, avoidance, the silent treatment, etc., but I had never dealt with a narcissist before, nor had I received any education upon narcissism.
Therefore, I had no idea that all of the tactics that he had used were purposefully and manipulatively done.
My narcissist finally became physically violent with me, which was the “last straw” for me.
I reported the violence to the police, immediately,
and since then, his agenda and will have been focused on destroying my life.
He has managed to cause additional harm to me through parental alienation and even though I have 50/50 physical and legal custody of our youngest, who is 12, I can barely communicate with my son.
I cannot begin to express the amount of pain this has caused me! However, I will not give up or lay down and die because 1 person wants to harm me.
At this time, I am listening to God and I am living according to His will. I know God has great things planned for me, so I am going to take advantage of my experience and try to help others.
My heart and my love go out to everyone, male or female, who have suffered due to a narcissist in their life!!
May God bless all of you and provide you with the strength and encouragement that you need to leave your situation and begin your life anew! You deserve it!! ❤️
Cherie
My husband must be a professional narc…he is so beyond hiding it to everyone but me and my mom who only saw it after she lived with us for 2 years.my own children can’t see it and are against me and consider him their hero best father of year.hes the best even making me convinced its all in my crazy mind and I have a mental disability and am crazy and I know its not true but he’s so good at what he does. The belittling remarks, withholding finances taking things he knows I love away from me , promises he makes he knows he never plans to keep stringing me along now for 25 years. The dirty names he’s called me unwilling to sleep in same bed with me for past 5 years no sexual contact unless I’m role playing about me with another guy..Wants me stay home.no friends.go nowhere just do what he wants.when he wants and my wants and needs don’t matter! Is this a narcissistic?
?
Alice Mills
Absolutely! Go see a counselor who is educated in narcissistic abuse as soon as you can. I wish you all the best in your escape.
Olivia
I cannot find the words to tell you how truly thankful I am for your blog. I met my narcissist in July of 2017. We were engaged 3 months later and married in another 6. I thought he was the man of my dreams, but I had no idea what I was getting myself into. The day God told me I was free, it was like I came to life again. For the first time in 3 years, I was looking at a future and no longer just trying to survive the day. I didn’t know what a narcissist really was until I stumbled upon your blog. Your story made me feel like I’m not crazy. This was real. It was hard, but it happened and God brought me out of it. In 3 days, it will be 3 months since I left him. I’ve struggled with finding biblical grounds for my divorce, but I know now that what I experienced was not a marriage. It was slavery.
Your wisdom has been a great comfort throughout this process.
Alice Mills
I am so thrilled to have been a positive part of a hard journey. I am so glad you escaped!
Krista
Oh my goodness, reading your story brings tears to my eyes. Every part of your story is exactly what I have gone through and what I’m going through. When I became stronger in the Lord, my husbands behavior got worse. My light could not reside any longer with his dark. I literally felt like God reached down and grabbed me and my kids out of an awful situation. The night before I discovered so much about my husband, I was praying and pleading with God what to do about my marriage, and I felt an overwhelming feeling that everything was going to be okay, then I specifically heard in my head the word “RUN!” The next day he exposed who he really was, and I have been following God’s instruction to run. I am still in the middle of a nasty divorce, but God is holding my hand every step of the way, where I am one step ahead of my husbands craziness. God has put the right people in my life at the right time. I have never felt God’s love so much as I do now. You are so right when you say God does not want us to stay married to a narc! God is great!
Anonymous
I’m dealing with this and trying to get away an impossible away took all friends all family stopped any job any kind of cash coming to me stopped baby after baby manipulation after manipulation and I’m breaking mentally down with baby now and nobody to call on homelessness threats taking my kids threats and he has that power to do all cause I never seen him setting up my life for just this shelters I can go with him taking my kids who I need much of and who needs me. I’ve been studying the narcissist and what it did or is doing is giving me a relationship with god and the powerful learning of him I must find a way to get and save money to get out and begin living the blessings of life
Sally
After reading your story and all of the comments below it, the tears just keep coming. I suffered abuse from a narcissist for twenty years. I believed that I was the only one experiencing this type of abuse. It sounds crazy. But there wasn’t the information out about narcissistic abuse then like there is now. To my knowledge, no one that I knew experienced it. I read a lot of self help books and did a lot of praying. At times, I wondered if this was my cross to bear? When I finally left, the ex made my life a nightmare just like I knew he would. But God…God is so faithful. He made a way for me and saw me through. He continues to bless me. It has been seven years since the divorce and the pain will never be forgotten. I do know that my Heavenly Father saved me from that place. He wanted better for me and he saw me through every step of the way.
Alice Mills
I’m so glad you escaped. Life is so much better on the other side. God has been so faithful to me, too.
Sara
I recently left my husband I didn’t really know what narcissist meant. But now I see that that’s what he is. I prayed to god that if my husband wasn’t the right one for me to take him out of my path and god allowed me to find information about him cheating something he denied for a whole month
Denise M. Wolever
Thank U for sharing and God bless you for the courage to get away. I lived through the same horror of a narcissistic spouse. Took me 7 years to leave–only because I did not want to hurt my 3 beautiful kids. It was the worst thing I had ever done, but also the BEST thing because I showed my kids that we must surround ourselves with good, Godly people, and when people treat us disrespectfully, we MUST leave. Love that bible—lots of good advice. God bless your children also.