Parental Alienation: 6 Signs It’s Happening to You

Many couples in the midst of an acrimonious divorce toss around the term, parental alienation, to describe the effects of one parent badmouthing another. This often happens when one person seems particularly at fault in a divorce. I think everyone can agree that criticizing one parent to a child is unhealthy at best and abusive at worst. But this isn’t parental alienation.

I recently heard about a four-year-old boy whose mother had left him and his father unexpectedly. Understandably both were devastated. Understandably the father felt a need to process this. He would launch into his rehearsal of the sudden separation and divorce and almost as if on cue, his little son would collapse in tears. It took some loving intervention for him to realize that he was forcing his son to relive his mother’s desertion over and over. But this isn’t parental alienation, either.

Parental alienation is far more subtle and abusive. Typically, if one parent has a serious personality disorder, then the children are much more at risk for this type of emotional manipulation. If you have been married to a narcissist or share custody with one, then you need to be keenly aware of the signs of parental alienation.

Parental alienation looks like: 

1: Parental alienation means regular exclusion from basic parental duties.

If the other parent is attending parent/teacher meetings about which you were unaware, then you may have an issue. Make sure that your name is on all emergency contact information. If you suspect that your ex is a narcissist, then recheck regularly. The goal of parental alienation is to separate you from even the most basic information regarding your child. Doctor’s appointments and lessons need to be conducted with both your knowledge and consent. This requires diligence on your part.

2: Parental alienation results in sudden requests by your child that you do not attend their events.

If you find your child suddenly adamant that you step back from the normal participation expected of a parent, you may have a case of parental alienation on your hands.  The goal of an emotional abuser is to separate their victim from any sources of support, up to and including the other parent. Please be aware that your child will be unaware of this manipulation or may be afraid of the other parent. If they are insistent that you do not come to their football game or dance show, there may be a darker reason than adolescent individuation. In the worst cases, the other parent may be threatening to harm them or you if you both attend an event.

3: Your child begins to treat you with contempt while expecting you to serve their needs.

Entitlement is something every parent has to deal with on some level. If a child begins to treat you as their slave, deserving of your love and energy while asserting that you are beneath them or not as good as them, you have a problem. Narcissistic behavior is to some degree learned, but parental alienation is about transferring that self-absorbed worldview to the child. This is about revenge. They don’t want merely to paint you as a bad parent; they want to sever all attachment to you as a parental figure altogether.

My youngest lived with her father for about six months after years of zero contact. She was fifteen at the time and really had little or no idea who he was as I had divorced him while she was very young. A longtime narcissist, he told her stories that were pure fiction in which I was the abuser and he was the savior. In one, he fabricated a tale in which I was flicking her older sister at age three hard in the face for not dressing quickly enough. The hero in this made-up story, he wrestled me to the ground to save our daughter from me bruising her face.

She found these stories very confusing and in the end, it took her and me months to unravel the web of lies. Narcissists are convincing. A parent who is a narcissist can really do a number on the mind and emotions of a child.

4: Your child becomes oppositional and angry, especially towards you.

  In a situation of parental alienation, a child is literally brain-washed into thinking of you as the enemy. A friend of my mother recounts a violent husband’s treatment. He punched her in the stomach while she was pregnant and subjected her to a host of behaviors that ought to have landed him in jail. However, his manipulation was so clever and frightening, that her sons placed the ‘fault’ of the divorce squarely in her court. Their anger was directed towards her rather than their father, who was probably too frightening to be mad at. Also, he had control of all the money that he used to manipulate them.

5: Parental alienation means your child forgets previous bonding and/or attachment experiences with you.

The point of parental alienation is to revise history. Not only does a narcissistic abuser lie about things that have happened, but he or she will also insist that certain parts of a child’s history never happened. Remember, the goal of parental alienation is to sever the relationship between parent and child and render it as if it never happened. A narcissist sees any good memory the child has of you, the other parent, as a threat. And a child learns quickly to revise history in order to stay safe.

6: The child will insist that the breaking of the bond is their idea.

When a child turns away from a parent, there is always an underlying cause. This simply doesn’t happen in normally dysfunctional situations. This kind of breaking of a parent/child relationship is an indicator that the child has become a victim of serious emotional abuse. Paradoxically, victims of emotional abuse do not turn towards those that can help them or are safe. After all, they are not afraid of the safe parent. But they are terrified of the abuser and believe they must live their lives in utter submission to that abuser in order to stay alive. Or at least, this is what they believe.

Generally speaking, a personality disorder, whether borderline or narcissistic, is most often at the root of this kind of situation. Fortunately, the courts are becoming more aware of it. Less fortunately, it can be difficult to prove. And contrary to popular belief, a parent does not have to have frequent custody to enact this kind of emotional torture. Even a very part-time parent can hold their child hostage.

If you believe your child to be in danger of this crime, you will need to muster all the support you can get, legal, psychological, and emotional. You are fighting for the life of your child. Generally, your best bet in every kind of abusive situation is to speak up, loud and clear. Hoping it will resolve itself or keeping silent to avoid the embarrassment is only agreeing to the abuse. There is help out there for you and your child.

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