How to Tell if You Have Self-Destructive Tendencies

I imagine most everyone feels self-destructive at one point or another. Sometimes the teen years can prove too much or during times of great stress, we can all separate from our selves emotionally. But one of a successful and healthy person’s duties is to care for themselves, making sure that they don’t turn their lives into a train wreck that can claim lives other than just their own.

Being self-destructive, like most things is a matter of degree. While perhaps some are just a bit careless with their lives, others are bent on ending a relationship with themselves once and for all.  Rare is the person who never struggles with an episode of self-destructive behaviors, but developing emotional resiliency is key to nurturing God’s most important gift to you: yourself.

We are in the midst of the self-destructive war if we:

1: Self-destructive people exhibit self-defeating attitudes.

If we are in the habit of saying I can’t do anything right or similar phrases, we lose the battle before it even begins. Those with this attitude give up quickly at the first sign of adversity. One bad grade and they drop a class or out of school. Any difficulty mastering a new achievement is an indication that they are simply too stupid or not good enough at anything.

The tragedy is that if we do not risk failure and try again, we will actually never be good enough. Any achievement takes effort and enough humility to be teachable. Positive self-talk is not a cure-all for a self-defeatist attitude, but it is a start.

2: They fall into the pit of self-pity.

Nothing good ever happens to me is the cry of the self-destructive. Bad things happen to everyone, but good things happen, too. The opposite of self-pity is gratitude and when experts say that the practice of gratitude is a brain changer, they mean it! In Jeremiah 17: 5 and 6, the Lord says Cursed is the man who relies on man… for he shall be like a plant in the desert. Good will come to him, but he will not see it. Scary thought! We can be so focused on the things that go wrong that we fail to notice God’s good gifts that surround us every day. A victim mindset defeats us from the outset because we relinquish control over our actions. In essence, self-pity turns our selves into objects which lacks agency. We are each able to make choices and exert agency in our lives. To believe otherwise is to abandon all hope.

3: Self-destructive people refuse help.

If we have people in our lives suggesting that we could use a helping hand, we would be wise to listen. The truly self-destructive individual will always default to isolation, shoving away those who would seek to give them a lift, particularly professional help. We may have a million excuses, but we do not heal from our wounds in a vacuum. Time doesn’t really do it either.  We need affection, an avenue in which we can freely express ourselves, and wise counsel. Those are found in community. Refusing all help comes from pride anyways. And we all know that pride comes just before a precipitous fall.

4: Self-destructive people neglect themselves.

Like most things in life, a balance exists between self-care and self-absorption. But generally, a person who is clean and whose clothes are appropriate for the occasion demonstrates a basic level of self-maintenance.  A lack of self- care indicates just that, a lack of care of oneself. This is not just about a shave and a shampoo. How one takes care of their environment can be an indicator as well. Clutter is one thing. Piles of trash, dirty laundry, and dirty dishes are another. Unpaid bills, neglecting medical care, ignoring mental health issues: these are decisions that result in personal disaster. If we find ourselves unable to function, we need help and fast!

5: They have no sense of long-term consequences.

Those who are in the process of building a life are aware that their decisions now affect their quality of life later. I find that those who do not care about their lives often make wretched decisions based on immediate gratification rather than any consideration of consequences. Each generation owes the next one this type of wise approach to the environment, poverty, finances, and health. For me, this is a difficult balance. The horrific financial abuse I suffered at the hands of my ex left me unable to tell what is enough. I filled the fridge to bursting, had a closet filled with clothes I didn’t wear. Abuse can really interrupt the ability to prepare for a future I didn’t think I would have. Counseling is a must for recovering, but financial counseling is wise for the spenders among us as well.

6: Self-destructive people abuse themselves.

From drugs and alcohol to risky sexual behavior, if we feel we do not matter, our lives will reflect it. Self-destructive behaviors can include cutting and suicide attempts and are symptoms of mental illness. Less recognized but worth mentioning are behaviors that harm us in less obvious ways like toxic relationships, self-sabotage, ignoring health issues and impulse issues.  Everyone struggles with self-abuse at some point in their lives, whether negative self-talk or staying in an abusive relationship. To love one’s self means to address these actions in some way. We don’t need to be perfect, but we need to be on a path towards greater health.

7: Self-destructive people often sacrifice themselves unnecessarily.

This sounds out of whack with the preceding signs, but sometimes, we give too much of ourselves because we do not really value our lives, effort, and time. This looks like having a bunch of people who take regular advantage of us.  I don’t want to call them friends because friendship is reciprocal. A self-destructive person will often, though not always, have a number of co-dependent relationships. They throw their lives away trying to please un-pleasable people.

One of the proverbs says that a righteous man is satisfied from himself. I think of this often. It is so easy to take an easier route at the time, but such wide roads often lead to destruction. I knew that I was beginning to become healthy when I began to carefully consider who I would let into my life. The last thing I needed at my low points were relationships with self-destructive people. I wanted to surround myself with people I admired and knew to be healthy so that I could emulate them.

You can only sow seed that you actually have. If you don’t want to sow the seeds of destruction into the garden of your life, exchange it for better. You don’t have to be perfect. You don’t even have to like yourself every moment of every day. But you do have to engage in the fight for your own life. One of the most life-changing things anyone ever said to me was Alice, you have to fight for your life. You are worth fighting for. And so, my friends gracious enough to read this, so are you.

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In Defense of the Gift of Emotion