• fawns
    abuse,  Appeasement,  Codependent,  Trauma Responses

    What is Fawning and How to Stop

    When I first heard the term fawning, described as a trauma response, it hit me pretty hard. An empathetic and desperately self-conscious kid, I eventually grew into an empathetic and self-conscious adult. Marrying a narcissist did nothing to help, and I soon learned to become a people pleaser as a survival tactic. And for a long time after I escaped from my abuser, I didn’t question it. It had become second nature. I tolerated uncomfortable and even abusive relationships in my work and personal life, often falling prey to what I call quasi-narcissists. These people in our lives are self-centered but occasionally have the grace to feel guilty about it.…

  • loyalty
    Narcissism,  narcissist,  narcissistic abuse

    Loyalty vs Casting Pearls before Narcissists

    A reader recently asked a question about the line between healthy loyalty and codependency. I didn’t have an immediate answer so I took some time to really think about it. I looked up the definition of loyalty and it surprised me a little. The first word listed is devotion. The next words are more familiar; faithfulness, allegiance, support. Those rang truer to me until I began to remember my relationship with my narcissistic ex-husband. A turning point in my heart came when I heard a preacher say We worship what we fear. The words messed with me because I was trying to follow Jesus. I considered myself as worshiping only…

  • codependent behavior
    Codependent Behavior

    The Codependent Behavior that Kills Your Joy

    I spent most of my life thinking that codependent behavior was buying alcohol for alcoholics. I pictured a weak but loving person giving some drunk on the street a bottle of booze because at least the addict would be happy for a little while. Or maybe going to the bar, picking their loved one off the floor and taking them home, putting them to bed, only to do it again the next day. My ideas were mostly informed, I believe, by the movies. Turns out codependent behavior is a little more complicated. Turns out I didn’t just have codependent tendencies, but full-blown behaviors that needed to be addressed. So this…