The Cost of Staying: Narcissistic Abuse

The devastating cost of being in a narcissistic relationship is often brushed over as if once a person leaves such a relationship, the price is paid. Nothing could be further from the truth. An abusive marriage is a bit like a predatory loan. You will keep paying interest long after the price of the loan is paid. I wish more material existed twenty-five years ago when I debated about divorcing. I didn’t realize then that, in one sense, I was already too late. I could escape in body, but true freedom would come much later.

So I thought I would put together a list of what staying with a narcissist will cost you. I imagine the list will vary per person. Still, I also believe some are the inevitable costs exacted by chronic trauma.

1: Abuse will cost you your physical health.

The World Health Organization covers the topic here in-depth. The gist of the article states that “women with a history of abuse are more likely than other women to report a range of chronic health problems such as headaches, chronic pelvic pain, back pain, abdominal pain, irritable bowel syndrome, and gastrointestinal disorders.”

Those issues started early for me. I landed in the hospital with a bleeding ulcer on our first anniversary. It is easy to assume that we, as the abused spouse, can somehow handle the abuse, shielding our children from some of these consequences. I regret to say that no one is an adequate shield for their children—the incidents of health issues of adult victims of child abuse mirror those of adults. My daughters bear witness in their bodies to the abuse they endured. But this is only one cost of many.

2: Abuse will cost you and your children their mental health.

Generally, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder symptoms are well-known. For a short list, click here. Complex PTSD is a less well-known but common consequence of chronic abuse. You are more likely to experience it if you have experienced the following at an early age:

• the trauma lasting for a long time
• escape or rescue unlikely or impossible
• multiple traumas
• harm by someone close to you.

Now, a newer term arises to the challenge of the harm inflicted by a narcissist. Post-Narcissist Stress Disorder includes a breakdown in the ability to engage fully in healthy relationships. Narcissist Victim Syndrome affects partners and their children. I didn’t realize for years that the constant vigilance and anxiety I lived in were anything but ordinary, even after my first marriage ended. Unfortunately, my children battled this and continue to battle this narcissistic abuse-born disease.

3: Your faith and the faiths of your children will suffer.

I don’t mean to suggest that a narcissist can destroy your faith, though they will try. But the same question reappears in the thousands of letters I have received from women and some men caught in abusive relationships. Why does God not allow divorce? For a complete discussion of this, click here. I can only say God did not desire me to live in fear. In fact, he orchestrated my release from this marriage miraculously. While many churches turn their backs on abuse victims within marriage, instead creating an idol of marriage itself, I know God freed me. But the shame of being a victim of abuse inhibits our relationship with God.

Additionally, to the children of abuse, God often looks a lot like the narcissist: all-powerful and merciless. We think that idols are things we love. That may be true in some cases. But idols are also things we fear more than God himself, and fear is the currency of the narcissist. I still find myself paying interest on that one occasionally. My mind knows he probably won’t hurt me, but my body is not so sure. And the bodies and minds of my daughters still remember that fear as well.

Change came for me as I gained revelation about what real love looks like. Narcissistic abuse has a nasty way of wiping out any understanding of love. And without love, we cannot understand our loving God.

4: Narcissistic abuse costs victims their innocence.

I will never unknow what one human can do to another. I tried to fool myself with the usual lies because believing he hurt me on purpose was too painful to face. He was immature. He would grow up. He was an injured soul. All of that is true and still not reason enough. I hate the line that hurt people hurt people. A lot of hurt people don’t go on to become horrible people who abuse others.

What I see in my life, the lives of my children and the women who contact me is that the loss of innocence continues. Narcissistic Personality Disorder and its Cluster B brethren do not spring up from a vacuum. And sometimes, given enough time, the spiral of abuse handed down from generation to generation gets revealed.

The cost of leaving is high, but not higher than the cost of staying.

Leaving an abusive marriage is dangerous. Unfortunately, the legal system doesn’t always do a good job of protecting the innocent. Church families sometimes take the wrong side. An abused partner will almost always be wrongfully accused. Narcissists play hardball, and they don’t mind destruction. The cost of leaving is real, and I don’t downplay it. In fact, I think victims should be careful about how they escape, recognizing that they are moving from a daily battle meant to kill slowly to all-out warfare intended to annihilate.

But the cost of staying is unthinkable. It is to choose destruction for you and your children. As the partner of a narcissist, you already have an implacable enemy. Your life and the lives of your children are worth fighting for. And if you don’t fight for what is right, who will? My children still thank me for escaping and giving them a chance at a good life. Yours will, too.

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