Anniversary Trauma: 5 Strategies to Overcome It

Five Ways to Overcome Anniversary Trauma

It’s funny how anniversary trauma sneaks up on a person. November 30 marked the one year anniversary of the earthquake in Eagle River, Alaska. I am currently recovering from a car accident, so while on the table with my massage therapist, I found myself extremely tense. There is a difference between muscle spasms due to injury and muscles that are clenched from tension. I had plenty of the first, but this time I had tension all over my body.

I knew that my lower back had been particularly painful, but this day, the therapist couldn’t go anywhere near it. All of a sudden, it hit me. Anniversary trauma. I count the Alaska 2018 earthquake as one of the few genuinely terrifying moments of my life. It was akin to being chased by a rabid dog. Except that the rabid dog was the entire Anchorage area and it had me in its teeth. I honestly thought death was a clear possibility for about 90 seconds, an eternity when you are contemplating, well, eternity.

I know how powerful anniversary trauma can be, having witnessed my husband struggle our first Christmas together. Ten years previous he had spent all of Christmas trying to encourage his brother. The next day his brother passed from suicide. Ten Christmases came and went with him only partly able to enjoy the celebration of Jesus’ birth with his kids. Thank goodness for healing prayer.

I count that time of prayer with him that first holiday together as one of the most profound miracles I have ever witnessed.  As Spencer welcomed Jesus into this tragic anniversary, golden light suffused our room. I have no explanation of how it happened. Our windows were closed. But ever since then, Christmas increased in joy for all of us in our blended family.

So having some anniversary trauma myself, (and it is in the DSM as well as now being included in the symptoms of PTSD) I have discovered a few things that help. If you are skeptical that such a thing exists, then you might want to take into account that your subconscious and your body both keep accurate records of trauma. You may not remember the date of that horrible break-up, getting fired or the death of a loved one, but your sympathetic nervous system has already put that date in the body clock. Trust me, it’s already gearing up.

1: Know Your Timeline for Anniversary Trauma

Rarely do we want to make a timeline of our woes. It seems counterproductive at first. But trust me. If we know our own history, we can begin to make changes to our future. Many of us simply live from one day to another, getting through as best we can. You wouldn’t trust your money or your physical health to chance. Why risk your mental health and your emotional well-being?

Forewarned is forearmed, as the old cliché goes. If we know each and every trauma anniversary, then we can prepare ourselves, prepare others, and hopefully, circumvent the worst of the damage. Otherwise, we will be upset and easily triggered, upsetting and triggering those around us. We can’t fully prepare for how we might feel, but any preparation is preferable to having a terrible, horrible, no good, bad day sprung upon us without warning.

2: Prepare Ahead of Time for Anniversary Trauma

Sometimes, when life gets crowded, I look for easy solutions. I tend to have a go big or go home mentality when it comes to holidays, so for me, I need to give myself easy outs. If I had really thought about the earthquake anniversary, I would have taken a few ibuprofen with me to work. Ironically, pain relievers like acetaminophen and ibuprofen help relieve emotional pain. The brain doesn’t differentiate between emotional pain and physical pain. (I believe this is part of what is behind the opioid crisis. All physical and emotional pain gone… ) I might have canceled a few appointments that seemed overwhelming. Booking the massage was accidental… and a godsend.

If you know that the anniversary of the death of someone you love is coming up, do what feels right. Get take-out. Leave the laundry. Intentionally set aside the stressors in your life if possible. Get a babysitter or my favorite- go to the movies. The movies are two hours of pure escapism for me. But my basic suggestion is margin. Provide yourself some margin if at all possible.

3: Call Your People

This is a good time to be with your intimate friends, ones who don’t mind listening to you process. I have a few such people and I am so grateful for them. We all need someone in our life we can tell the same darn story over and over to without embarrassment. I am not talking about socializing. I am talking about those friends who tell you if the clothes you have just tried on look ridiculous out of a genuine desire to see you look good. I’m talking about the buddy who you can hang with without saying a single word if you don’t want.

I can’t sing the praises enough of having people in your life who love you unconditionally. In fact, sometimes the loving support we get from those true friends can heal the anniversary trauma. While we don’t ever forget, our memories can lose their power to hurt us. Being loved is just one of the ways that can happen.

4: Create a Ritual or a Ceremony

I love that my daughter-in-law has specific ways of mourning her mother’s death. And quite a few organizations including the APA and Veteran’s Affairs suggest just that. Creating a tradition that honors and mourns our losses can be so healing. If we can make a friend of our grief, rather than stuffing it down or avoiding it, we move toward wholeness. A beloved ritual or a little ceremony helps us to follow the arc of our emotions safely. Honoring our feelings is the quickest way to recover from them.

Studies show that simply acknowledging an emotion begins the process of dissipating it. If we are angry, admitting that we are steaming actually diffuses it. Same with sadness and emotional pain. So instead of avoiding the emotions, welcome them for what they are, reminders that you are human and that you live in a fallen world. Loved ones deserve our grief and we deserve to feel safe even when sad.

5: Invite Jesus into Your Anniversary Trauma

Recently, a troubled young woman threw herself in front of my car. I was so disturbed for a few days. But in a quiet prayer time, I invited Jesus into that memory. I could feel His compassion for that woman. I could see Him between her body and my car, willing me to keep my eyes on Him. Even though I knew it wasn’t my fault, He reminded me of that. He reminded me He was there. So many factors went into that moment. If I had been in our SUV, if there had been ice on the road, and if I weren’t a slow driver… all these kept her from dying. Miraculously, only a few bones were broken.

My point is that Jesus is present for all of our tragedies. Sometimes we are tempted to blame Him for not preventing those events, even as we act out of our free wills every day. But if we really listen to Him, invite Him in, we gain new perspectives. I still see the anguished face of that poor lady. But I also see the face of Jesus there, loving me and loving her.

And that is really what I mean to say. Jesus is loving you right now. Outside of time, He is loving you then, too. We no longer have to be overcome by the evil events in our lives. With Him, we can overcome evil with good.

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Neurons Ring! Are You Listening?