Setting God Free: How Attachment Style Affects Faith
I bear witness to many people struggling to gain a toehold in their relationship with God. For some, God is like an unreachable guru on top of a distant mountain. If you find Him, He only speaks in riddles. For others, His face resembles the stern idols on Easter Island. Judgment is in the forecast, and soon. For still others, God is capricious, changing His mind about what good things He will or will not allow them to have in their lives. Now He 
loves me. Now He loves me not.
The most painful iteration of God, I think, is the silent one. He is the all-seeing, all-knowing monolith who keeps His own counsel despite the pleas for an answer. And then exist those for whom God is always available. They share their latest tidbit they received from Him, wax eloquent about their prayer vigils.
Many students ask me why God appears available for some and not for others.
This question has quite a few complicated answers, but I am only interested in one of those answers for now. Because God describes Himself as a father, we, who look so closely at our human fathers (or the absence of one) project onto God their images. Dear heavenly version of our earthly father, we pray without realizing the substance of that prayer. God uses the metaphor of fatherhood for this reason. If childhoods develop in His will, our earthly father’s love guides us to the love of our divine Father.
But the natural attachment that develops between children and their parents suffer interruption and sometimes worse. Our minds collect the data of parenting as we experience it, creating a filter for how we see relationship with others.
So before I list the attachment styles and how they influence our ability to fully experience God, let me first define a fantasy bond.
A fantasy bond mimics a real relationship, going through all the motions and role-playing of a relationship, without the actual heart level bond.
Sounds like a hypocrite? Before you judge the shallow faiths of those around you, remember that forming fantasy bonds or pretending to love God when inside one is empty, comes from a place of deprivation.
Studies of the brain and bonding show some interesting correlations. Bonding is formed in the frontal lobe of the brain. The more neural networks that form, the deeper and more cohesive the bond is. Here is the catch. Babies can’t develop more frontal brain activity than their mother actually 
has. What this means is that even if Mom is a great caregiver, caring for her baby in ways she herself was not cared for, she still cannot communicate more frontal lobe development than she has. The good news is that we can develop more and more of this networking by hanging out with people who have better development. The bad news is that we cannot give more than we have.
We cannot sow seed that we do not possess.
As you read through these attachment styles, you will find that one or more ring true for you. I include links to attachment style quizzes at the end if you aren’t sure. Armed with the knowledge of your attachment style, the hope is that you will begin to deal with the issues that helped form an incomplete bond.
- Avoidant attachment: As children, people with this attachment style suffered under non-responsive, emotionally unavailable parents. Children who do not seem to notice or care when his or her parent leaves or enters the room have voluntarily detached and have already made an internal decision to become independent. As adults, they become commitment phobic, expecting little from others. God seems far away, and it is up to them to take care of themselves. Adults with this attachment style do not experience love because they did not receive it. Affection is difficult for them, and God is more likely to be an intellectual concept rather than an involved, loving deity.
- Anxious or ambivalent attachment: These infants sometimes experienced the fulfillment of their needs and sometimes did not. These babies are anxious and demanding, clinging tightly when their often preoccupied Mommy or Daddy comes back on the scene. As
adults, these people wax hot and cold in their relationships, but they always seem to be in one. They tend to over-romanticize relationships, holding others in higher esteem than themselves, but contrarily pushing others away before they can get hurt. They are sometimes jealous and controlling. For anxious or ambivalently attached adults, God is difficult to get to know. They think of Him as great and mighty, but unapproachable and probably not able to fulfill their emotional needs. After all, He is very busy. They blow hot and cold in their relationship with God, sometimes worshipping passionately and sometimes falling away for years at a time. - Disorganized attachment: This attachment is actually more common than avoidant attachments. Sometimes the caregiver is simply unprepared for parenthood and finds the task overwhelming. Sometimes abuse is present. Whatever the reason, the result is fear. Mom or Dad’s lack of understanding and anxiety about the needs of the child result in fear or anger which is then mirrored in the child. Parents in this kind of bonding (or non-bonding relationship) often describe their child as out of control. An adult who suffered through a hostile or frightening childhood had to deal with a good deal of cognitive dissonance. The person they had to rely on was the person of whom they were the most frightened. For them, God is unpredictable and scary. They don’t have cohesive narrative or reliable way of relating to anyone, including their own selves. Their versions of God are often inaccurate or doctrinally bizarre. These individuals most need God with skin on: compassionate individuals who develop an earned secure attachment with them.
- Secure Attachment: A securely attached child is one whose parents know how to satisfy their needs while allowing them to explore the world. Easily soothed and unafraid, these children grow up loved by
their peers and their teachers. Their view of God comes from a place that assumes that love is the language spoken by God. Just as their parents enjoyed them, they know themselves to be enjoyed by their Creator.
The real beauty of understanding a little bit of attachment theory is being equipped with the knowledge of what stands in our way of enjoying and being enjoyed by God. Our attachment filters hold God hostage. Not that we have the power to imprison God, but we, in our ignorance, limit our relationship with Him.
I dislike the condemning Christianese phrase I hear often in church by well- meaning believers. “You have as much of God as you want,” they say. But that is not true. Many times I see people reach out to God in desperation, wanting more of Him but somehow unable to move closer. A lack of knowledge prevents them from seeing the strongholds implanted from childhood.
Fortunately, countless pastors and therapists know how to gently remove some of these barriers. And God himself stands at the door. He hears you knocking. The door is open, has always been open. We must learn to walk through it.
Click to access What-is-my-Attachment-Style-Questionnaire.pdf
https://dianepooleheller.com/attachment-test/
22 Comments
Vanessa King
This gives me lots of good things to think about, thank you!
The Real Couponer (@TheRealCouponer)
I think I was type #1 – the detached type – my parents did not show me love growing up
Alice
Your story doesn’t have to end with that, but that is a painful place to start!
Dani
Your blogs have been so valuable to me! This is really good information and makes a lot of sense. At first I was thinking I was #1, but I’m probably more of a #3. The part about needing “God with skin on” has been so true for me. It’s crazy how the church oftentimes discounts this–how WE are called to be the hands and feet of Jesus, how we’re called to show others the love of God. Sometimes that’s the only way people experience God is through other believers.
Alice
Thank you so much. I try to take as much of my personal journey towards health and put it on a page as possible. I try to write as I live.
Jennifer
As much as my dad tried to be a good and loving father, he was still humanly flawed and there came a day I had to decide to know God for myself instead of seeing God in terms of who my dad was. We all struggle to see God for our earthly fathers.
Jill Martin
As an adoptive mom of many children from severely broken pasts, you are SPEAKING MY LANGUAGE!!!! YES YES and YES! I truly believe this is a vital concept for many christians to understand and really process!!! To let go of faith-guilt and recognize their true challenges within!!! Thank you 🙂
headcasechristian
There are so many healing concepts within this. Well done.
Sabrina
I really enjoyed reading this. Not only is your writing beautifully done (love your style and diction), but this topic really resonated with me. I studied child development so am very familiar with attachment theory. I appreciate the solid, fact based approach you used. Great article!
Neva
This is very relevant to the many families that I see every day, including many at my church and my fiancé’s, where broken human relationships are throwing up barriers to the divine relationship between creator and created. Thanks for providing some scientific insight into a spiritual topic.
tara8910
God asks us to make things right with others before we take communion. Our relationships with others are important to him.
Tammy
Wish I could get over my barriers to get to God. It just seems like I can’t find my way. Too much bad stuff has happened. It’s been so long.
Braden
Your posts are so good! I love reading about how our relationships impact our relationship with Him!
Kristi
Yes, we must learn to walk through it! I find it fascinating that every time Jesus healed someone, he almost always asked if they wanted to be healed first. It seems like a crazy question, but one that he asked.
Tammy Dunlap
Thank you for ending on the positive HOPE that we have in Christ. I would like to add or re-iterate the the importance of biology or inheritance as a factor, even hormones, (on the brain) I am convinced. Though my son was raised same as my daughter (he may have even soaked up more doting or lavished loved and attention) yet his approach to God has been more academic in his adulthood. I am convinced that male hormones have had a bearing on this…………. He finally found his path with God, but it is WAY more ACADEMIC and less feely than my daughter’s and mine.
headcasechristian
“The real beauty of understanding a little bit of attachment theory is being equipped with the knowledge of what stands in our way of enjoying and being enjoyed by God.” This is so true and so many areas of our lives.
Heather Margiotta
Wow, Alice. This was a great article. I just read it twice lol. This really helped me understand my adopted son more. I always knew his past effects how he bonds with us and God but this helped me see it a little more clearly. Thank you.
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Bre
All of this makes a lot of sense but I have 1 question – and this is something I’ve been searching for an answer to: For those of us who are survivors of child abuse, how do we create a secure attachment to God when we’ve never experienced one with our parents?
Alice Mills
We can begin by finding people who have secure attachment styles and learning to bond with them. Also imaginative prayer and inner healing helps create those emotional bonds with Jesus himself.
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