How to Spot Dangerous People

When it comes to dangerous people, I am not particularly naïve. However, I can be gullible. So time and error have taught me some signs to look for in new acquaintances. I am not constitutionally able to walk around with a cold reserve. My somewhat extroverted nature is to love everyone I come in contact with. Unfortunately, this playful demeanor of mine gets me into trouble if I am not careful. It is as if I wear a sign, “Narcissists Welcome”.

I remember a conversation I had with my step-daughter, Amy. The guy she was dating had a lot of dangerous characteristics. He was quite open about them, as many dangerous people actually are if you listen carefully. He admitted to doing quite a number of illegal or under-handed things. She kept insisting that he wasn’t a ‘bad’ person.  So I asked her if she knew how to tell a ‘bad’ person from a ‘good’ one.  No, she said. Then she asked how?

You can tell if a person is bad, I told her because he or she does bad things.

I know that seems both obvious and unfair. After all, we like to think of ourselves as good people who occasionally do bad things. Shades of grey are everywhere we look, particularly if we are trying to figure out if a new relationship will prove healthy for us or not. So instead of categorizing everyone as ‘bad’ or ‘good’, I prefer the terms, ‘healthy’ and ‘unhealthy’ or perhaps ‘safe’ and ‘potentially dangerous’.

So here is my list I compiled over the years to discern good ‘uns from bad ‘uns as they say in Kentucky. I make allowances for mistakes because we all make them. But when Jesus said we should be wise as serpents and harmless as doves, He was letting us know that discernment is a must for living on this earth. How else can we keep the wolves from the sheep?

Signs of a Dangerous Person

1: They are predatory listeners.

Normal adults show empathy and demonstrate active listening skills. Interested in what you say but without any ill intent, they hear and respond, give a comfortable amount of eye contact, and keep the conversation flowing as a back and forth exchange. Narcissists and other predators lean in. They avidly glean information from you. If you had no idea you were so fascinating, you may be talking to a dangerous person.

Their primary objective is to find out information about you that can be exploited later. Their show of intense interest is to manipulate you into finding out all they can, in case it proves useful to them later. Real relationships develop over time. A predator will groom you with his or her searching questions, creating a false sense of intimacy.

2: The words and actions of dangerous people do not match.

I think of how many people I have met who loudly proclaim their morality. They don’t drink. Sex outside of marriage is immoral, and criminals should be locked away and the key thrown out. They let everyone know their highly moral stances. And yet, you begin to find out that they have a large stash of alcohol or you see them three sheets to the wind at a get-together. Their spouses admit to being cheated on.

Time will out a dangerous person. If you take the time to keenly observe how lives match up with words, dangerous people eventually expose themselves. Safe people follow moral principles and repent when they fail. They do not impose morality on others because they are busy imposing it on themselves. The louder and more judgmental the person, the more cause you have to be cautious.

3: They will tell you that they are dangerous.

An interesting fact about predatory people is that they tend to be proud of the fact. I could kick myself for all the times I dismissed what this or that dangerous person told me outright. If they say they are commitment-shy, then they are commitment-shy. One boyfriend told me that he felt no emotion. I didn’t believe him till he dumped me a few months later.

If they like to tell stories about how they did something shocking or mean, it is a matter of time until they treat you in a shocking or mean way. When I was eventually cheated out of several hundred dollars by someone I considered a friend, I had to admit that I should not have been surprised. Although he claimed to be a believer, the truth was that the stories he told about himself were awful. I should have listened to the way he admitted to treating others.

4: Your body will often tell you they are unsafe.

I love to play ‘Wordscapes’. In it, you are given six to ten letters and you have to figure out all the words that you can make from them. If I get stumped, I wait a while and when I go back, my brain has figured it out. This is the purpose, in part, of your subconscious. It is always working, primarily to keep you safe. So when you feel uncomfortable around someone, your subconscious has picked up cues that your conscious is slow to recognize.

Sometimes we call this intuition. But when we encourage others, especially young women or children, to be kind to people who make them uncomfortable, we teach them to ignore one of their important safety feature common to all humans. I realize that being uncomfortable around people of different ethnicities or abilities is a matter of maturity. But that is not the discomfort of which I speak. If an individual person, regardless of sex, ethnicity, etc, gives you a feeling of fear or makes your stomach churn, avoid them. You ‘know’ something you may not yet recognize.

5: If you feel strangely inadequate or a need to gain their approval, you may have a narc on your hands.

People communicate themselves to others in a myriad of different ways. If you hang out with a calm person, often their peace will extend to you. We absorb the signals others emit. So if you find yourself grappling with shame or with a need to impress a new acquaintance, you are in dangerous territory. Dangerous people prey on others in order to feed the emptiness in themselves. The true self of a narcissist is self-loathing. So if you feel insecure around someone, there is a reason.

Often dangerous people are critical. For some reason, we humans are often attracted to negative people. We mistake outspokenness for leadership. And if we have a bit of people-pleasing in us, we strive to please those who are unpleasable. Makes for a lot of misery, as dangerous people will hand out praise sparingly but always deny full approval. Remember, there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ according to Romans 8:1. If those around you are filled with condemnation, they have little room in themselves to be filled with Jesus and His love.

6: Dangerous people do not recognize boundaries.

If putting up a boundary always becomes the starting point of negotiation, the person you are dealing with is unsafe. Say no to the person you suspect is unsafe and watch the fireworks light up. The heart of a narcissist or other predator is filled with a deep-seated rebellion. No one has the right to set up boundaries to their twisted way of thinking. They will use manipulation to lower those fences and if that doesn’t work, they may resort to force.

7: Drama, drama, drama

We often have romantic ideas about how relationships are supposed to feel. Genuine love comes quietly, I believe. If the person you are dealing with causes intense feelings right away, be careful. It may be that their trauma is exciting your trauma. Unlike in romance books and rom-coms, we actually do have control over whether or not we fall in love. If you have any obsessive thoughts or feelings about this person, you are in danger of harming yourself.

Dangerous people know how to excite those around them. Whether for political gain, sexual conquest, or domination, predators play upon the strings of other’s hearts. Real love feels like peace and trust. Emotional manipulation feels like an obsession.

I highly recommend the book, Safe People, by Townsend and Cloud, the writers of the more famous book, Boundaries. I gave it to my daughters to read with the hopes they wouldn’t learn the hard way like me. But now that I can restrain my puppy-like self and allow God to vet the people in my life, I am much happier. I have learned to really be careful about the people I allow in my life, watching them carefully over time. Relationships that have a firm foundation take time to grow. You have your whole life. You have the time to separate the sheep from the goats.

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