Depersonalization: Living Apart from Ourselves

Depersonalization and derealization according to the definition that pops up in my Google feed:

…involves a persistent or recurring feeling of being detached from one’s body or mental processes, like an outside observer of one’s life (depersonalization), and/or a feeling of being detached from one’s surroundings (derealization).

Most people have episodes of depersonalization that occur sporadically throughout their lives. It is only when these are prolonged and begin to interfere with every day functioning that the professionals get involved. My observations on this topic are personal and not professional, though I have helped quite a few people identify and move through this phenomenon in ministry.

The experts tell us that depersonalization is a symptom of an underlying anxiety disorder. The reason for this is that anxiety can occur without depersonalization but depersonalization does not occur without the presence of fear. For myself, the sense of being outside and uninvolved with myself occurs during times of stress as it does for most people. But I find the fastest way out of this emotional desert is self-care.

Self-care is an often poorly defined term within Christianity these days.

I have read quite a few blogs that denounce it as self-absorption and contrary to the Gospel. And I suppose if your definition of self-care is that of extra chocolate and a mani-pedi, it could easily be merely self-indulgence. But I think of self-care the same way I think about the parable of the talents.

The short version is that a master gave three servants varying amounts of money. Two used the money entrusted to them wisely and gave the master a good return on his money. The third, afraid of this responsibility, buried it and returned it to his master upon his return, no more and no less than he was given.

I believe this to be a picture of self-care, among other things. God gives us each a selection of gifts. We are born with them and have no real choice in how many or what gifts those may be. Each of us faces the temptation to bury those gifts, ignore them, and eventually return to our Maker much the same as we left Him when we were born.  Fear of failure, fear of success, and perfectionism are often the source of our rejection of our own talents and abilities. Trauma can also be a barrier to moving towards the callings buried within us. But caring for ourselves means using those talents with which we were born. It means creating a life for ourselves in which those gifts can develop to their full potential.

In Matthew 25:25, the servant says to his master:

   “ I was afraid, and I went and hid your talent in the ground. Here you have what is yours.”

I can’t help but think the servant suffered depersonalization here. He chose to live apart from that which he was called to do. Fear kept him away from even those good gifts given to him.

For the most part, when I feel separated from myself, it is for one of two reasons. Either external circumstances create an amount of stress that feels bad to me. I find myself standing apart from myself because I am afraid to go home. Our bodies and souls are our earthly abode. The physical symptoms of anxiety and the emotions that accompany fear can be truly dreadful. But if we persist in standing afar off from ourselves, it is a little like watching our house burn down without making an attempt to put out the fire. Self-care is trying to put out the fire. And usually, we can’t fight a fire by ourselves.

Part of the misconception we have about how to fix these kinds of mental health blips is that we must somehow move from the outside in. And when we are in the robotic mode of depersonalization, getting back inside seems impossible. Here is where the followers of Christ have an advantage. The Holy Spirit takes up residence inside of us and He is a great firefighter. He puts out the flames of fear and anguish from the inside out. Our task is merely to seek out His presence already living inside of us.

The ultimate expressions of self-care as well as weapons against depersonalization are prayer and worship.

Like eating healthy and getting exercise, prayer and worship require intentionality. But in these two modes, we bring our broken selves into the presence of the Great Physician. If we are sick, self-care dictates that we go to the doctor and subsequently follow his directions. When our souls are in distress, we need relationship with others and with God in order to restore our relationships with our hurting selves. Sometimes in moments of depersonalization, all we can do is sit numbly at His feet.

But here is where the work of reconciliation with ourselves begins. Jesus prayed that we would be one as He and the Father are one.  Depersonalization is the great divide inside our souls. It is when we worship in spirit and truth that Jesus begins to bring us back into unity with Himself and also with our own soul and spirit.

I find that when the mode of depersonalization descends, I am most vulnerable to self-destructive behaviors. Perhaps it is because in the dissociative and lifeless lack of feeling that accompanies this mental health issue, the belief that nothing matters surfaces. It is as if our brain and our body have gone their separate ways. We ignore our brain and allow the body to do what it wills. Depersonalization is a mode where we give up our self-control and simply yield to impulses. Where better to stem this harmful flow of thoughtlessness that at the foot of the cross?

So when I am in a dissociative mode, I have a mental checklist I follow.

1: I locate the source of anxiety. This may require some revelation from the Holy Spirit. Sometimes the person I know the least is my own self.

2: I confess every fear to the Lover of my soul. Confession is sometimes mischaracterized as an agonizing exercise in guilt. In truth, just as I confess my deepest feelings to a friend or spouse, I can confess every negative emotion to our Father who is eager to free me from my torment.

3: I spend time with moving worship or listening to my favorite preacher. I read the Bible or a book about the Bible. The goal is to stir up my spirit within me. I remember the things God has done for me.

4: I communicate to my husband my state of mind. This allows him to walk with me through my difficulty. Extra affection and perhaps a fun date help me to pull myself out of the barren places in my own soul.

The truth is that depersonalization is a temporary breakdown in our ability to be in relationship, even with ourselves. If we rely on our relationship with God and with those closest to us, often we can shorten the depersonalization detour. Relationship grounds us and gives us a point of reference when we lose ourselves.  If you find yourself detached from your life, living like a spectator of your story or an actor in a play you did not write, this is a normal part of the human experience. It is just a temporary deviation made all the more temporary by the life of the Spirit in us.

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Coming Home to Yourself