How to Protect Your Family’s Honor

The idea of family honor is pretty old-fashioned, and in its older forms, even harmful. Family honor in the past consisted of creating a family mask that presented one face to the world while hiding dysfunctions within. But cultivating a culture of honor, real honor is actually crucial for creating a lasting marriage and familial relationships that are fulfilling. Family honor is not about the face presented to the world. Real honor is how well the members of a family treat each other.

Honor is the act of valuing a person over things. When someone honks their horn at you rudely in traffic, or cuts in front of you in a line, the message they send is one of dishonor. Their time is more important than you. Parents often communicate dishonor to their children by reacting irritably when their kids interrupt them. Spouses often dishonor each other with curt responses and sarcastic remarks.

But creating a family ethos of honor is not an option but a necessity. Marriages fail because couples begin to treat each other rudely or distance themselves. Children rebel against parents who are consistently preoccupied, or worse, easily irritated or angered. Fortunately, constructing patterns of honor can be easily accomplished with a bit of intentionality and practice.

The benefits are manifold. Adults who treat others well generally succeed in their careers better than those whose manners and values are lacking. The emotional intelligence of children is dependent on the EQ of their parents. Honor is really the plumbline when it comes to behavior. The question one should always be asking oneself is Am I treating others as I would want to be treated?

What Honor Looks Like

1: Honor looks like courtesy.

We all know that we are supposed to say please and thank you. Courtesy requires more than mouthing the proper words at the proper times. Courtesy is the act of noticing other people’s needs. Real etiquette is the personification of honor. We give our seats to the elderly and the pregnant. We help carry in the groceries. We notice.

I used to host tea parties for my daughters and we had a wonderful time drinking tea from pretty teacups. But those kinds of etiquette lessons, while valuable for giving children confidence in social settings, are less important than teaching empathy. Being polite means waiting for our turn without complaining, treating salespeople graciously, and helping out cheerfully. Good manners mean that we aren’t too self-absorbed to understand our effect on others.

2: Request rather than demand.

I understand the temptation of demand. Demands feel more powerful, but I want to suggest that in a family that honors each other, requests create bridges. I used to ask my daughters to do chores, the chores they already knew were expected of them. One day, one of them asked me why I asked them to do something they knew they had to do. I explained that it was a matter of valuing them enough to communicate rather than dictate. If I asked, they could respond with a yes, no, or can I do it later? A demand was something much more aggressive. A demand says the task is more important than the doer of the task.

Some may disagree with this, but in large step-families like ours, a little extra gentleness went a long way. And most spouses would agree that a gently stated request feels a lot better than an insistent demand.

3: Honor is appreciation.

The art of appreciation is largely lost in our culture. I regularly thank my husband for his hard work at his career. After all, his support has been a foundation upon which our children and I have built our lives. I used to thank my children before they grew up and moved away for work well done. I even thank my students when they take the time to write a good paper. Why? Because appreciation says I notice you. I notice the good things you do.

In fact, one of the most precious gifts we can give another is the gift of enjoyment. If our friends and family know that we enjoy who they are, the bonds between us are strengthened. Appreciation dissipates competition and envy. It creates peace.

4: Honor is watching your mouth.

Sarcasm is one of the primary tools in the teen toolkit. But the truth is that a lot of parents excel in it as well. I am not against wit and teasing that doesn’t go too far. After all, I played my share of pranks on my kids. (I confess to buying a lot of fake bugs) But putdowns, insults, and demeaning tones cause resentment in everyone. Using an irritable tone or a mocking one can crush a sensitive kid’s soul. And if that kid is not so sensitive? Well, they can only benefit from being taught to be respectful to others.

In fact, I think that husbands and wives, by modeling gentle words even in anger, communicate that honor is important even in times of conflict. One of my daughters took my husband’s and my intentionally gently way of communicating for granted until she moved out. She was shocked to find that people often speak very roughly to one another, people who are supposedly ‘in love’. My husband and I are not immune to disagreements or even the occasional serious conflict. But we know that we are always watched by those who will do as we do, not as we say.

5: Lastly, respect boundaries.

No means no. Getting consent is necessary. These two little sentences mean a lot depending on their context. Manipulation and control require dishonoring another. Passive-aggressive behavior is another form of dishonor. If you want to maintain the honor in your family, you will root out these dishonoring behaviors. It goes without saying that abuse is the epitome of dishonor. What we don’t want to face is that our little deceptions and subtle pressure to get what we want are dishonoring as well.

Honoring someone takes learning how to accept no for an answer. Honor asks before taking. And it means that when you need to say no, you are forthright about it. I know that there are many who will try to knock down your fence. But you can’t honor others unless you know how to honor yourself.

If you grew up in a home where everyone yelled at each other, you will find cultivating honor very healing. If you were frequently dishonored in your family of origin, you may find counseling of some benefit. After all one of the best uses of therapy is learning and implementing new skills. If your family has gotten in the habit of yelling, demanding, and mocking, don’t get discouraged. In reality, everyone responds to being treated as if they were important, loved, and valuable. And in truth, everyone is.

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