Denial: Four Ways It Destroys You and Your Family

Firstly, let me say that I am a past master of denial. One cannot stay in an abusive marriage for as long as I did and not have expertise in the exercise of denial. But often, we misunderstand what exactly is being denied when we talk about this subject. Often, it isn’t the situation that we are unable to face, but our feelings about the situation. I could admit that my husband was abusive. What I couldn’t admit to was the fear, agony, anger, and helplessness I felt within an abusive marriage. And so I convinced myself I was just making the best of a bad situation.

When we consider denial in the Bible, we often think of Peter who denied Jesus. We are quick to condemn him, but notice Jesus did not. To have your leader who you love dearly arrested and condemned to death would be terrifying, especially when you think you might be next. Peter, like many of us, couldn’t face his own fear in the moment of desperation. But when Peter denied Jesus, he denied Truth. When we deny what is true in our circumstances, we deny Jesus, who is the personification of Truth.

Denial is the most common form of lying, but it is generally accepted because the person we are lying to is primarily ourselves. But any rejection of the truth is a rejection of Jesus who is Reality. Excluding the truth from our difficult realities results in a number of destructive patterns that multiply in our generations. Here are just a few of the ways denial can wreak havoc in your life:

1: Denial allows abuse to go unchecked.

Whether the abuse is alcoholism or narcissism, rages or withdrawal, or any other number of possible permutations of dysfunction, pretending it isn’t happening is tacit permission. The Holocaust is an example of tacit permission allowing evil to run rampant. But holocausts can happen within our own family, churches, communities, and nation if we fear confrontation and its discomforts more than truth.

But make no mistake. Telling the truth will cost us. Confronting the narcissistic behavior, admitting to ourselves that our family is in shambles despite our best efforts puts us in a place of having to take responsibility. Hard choices await truth-tellers. And so much of the time, we have no idea what to do. Confronting our helplessness in the face of a loved one’s addiction or abusive behavior hurts like none other. But where our ability to save ourselves ends is where Jesus’ work on the cross begins.

2: Denial kills relationship.

Many times I have heard parents lament their lack of relationship with their children. I can’t help but think to myself that this estrangement did not arise without a cause. I remember teaching at a healing prayer conference and hearing a pastor alternately lament and mock his oldest son (who was not present) for his refusing to have relationship with him. He said his son kept saying that he did not feel safe around him in a tone of disbelief and disdain. I told him that if he wanted a relationship with his son, he should respect his son’s feelings and ask forgiveness. His response was that he had done nothing wrong. He had nothing to be sorry for.

What I heard behind the bravado was terror. What if he was in the wrong? What if he was a bad father? What then? His son was grown. He couldn’t have a do-over. Denial creates a barrier between our false self and our true self that can grow too high to get over. If our fear of failure keeps us from admitting our failure, we are hiding our true selves from others. None of our relationships will ring true if only our false self is available to others.

3: Denial re-traumatizes us.

The funny thing about traumatic situations is that they become less traumatic when faced head-on. But if we keep our eyes continually averted to the dysfunction playing out before our eyes, we deny ourselves the chance to heal. No infected wound heals without being first drained. Our brains and our bodies become at odds with one another. Brains know how to lie, but bodies do not.

The straightest path to healing emotional wounds is forgiveness. Forgiveness requires as we learn from the king doing his accounts in Matthew, a just reckoning of what is owed. But if instead, we bury the debts or cover them up with destructive behaviors, our minds and bodies eventually give way. We are not built to live in discord or with abuse. None of us are strong enough to withstand the relentless tides of hatred and bitterness. And denial keeps us from the Truth which saves, cleanses, and brings justice. Notice that I do not say reconciliation. Reconciliation requires two repentant people. And we can only answer for ourselves.

4: Denial destroys our destiny.

If I had not told the truth to myself about my ex-husband, I would never have escaped. My years of denial have already caused harm to me and my daughters in the form of PTSD and other mental and physical difficulties. But the moment I began to see my circumstances for what they really were and own up to the turmoil inside me, the truth began its work in our lives. None of the wonderful experiences I have added to my life’s journey could have happened in that prison of a relationship. My daughters could not have explored their educations and callings behind those invisible bars.

Everyone’s destiny is tied to being able to tell their truth, to developing their voice. It is not just singers and writers who develop their voices. Who we are as mothers, fathers, teachers, pastors, engineers, and scientists or any other vocation is dependent on our ability to operate from a place of authenticity. Fulfilling our destiny includes replicating our knowledge and truth into others. If we do not have Truth living in us, we replicate lies. If you think this statement is overblown, look at the generations within your family. See dysfunctions handed down from generation to generation? What legacy do we communicate to our children? Truth or the fear of the truth?

John says that if we say we have no sin, then we lie and the truth is not in us. I read this as a warning about denial. Often what we deny is what we are ashamed of. But it is in the confession and facing of those sins, both ours and those directed toward us, that salvation lies. Lancing an infection is painful and the healing might be slow. But if not dealt with, that same infection can corrupt every part of our bodies.

The only thing worse than pain is the fear of pain. If denial holds you captive, start inviting the truth in. The truth can seem destructive, but it only dismantles unsafe structures. And only God can rebuild your house upon the rock.

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