Narcissistic Marriage: The Five Lies That Bind
Staying in a narcissistic relationship takes a lot of commitment. After all, the benefits of the relationship are fleeting at best, while the daily slog of being someone’s personal slave is exhausting. I have opened up in this blog because I feel led by the Lord to tell my story as a way of owning it. And one of the most difficult things about admitting to my past is that I am generally perceived as a competent, even gifted, woman. People ask, without meaning to hurt me, “How did you get trapped in such a circumstance?” The truth is that narcissists often target intelligent, strong women. Where’s the challenge, otherwise?
But the self-deception necessary in order to stay runs deep. And narcissists can be charming and seductive. No one would stay at all if there weren’t some benefits. But as time passes and life gradually loses all color, victims have to develop specific strategies in order to stay. So we
set up certain lies in place to support a structure already built on lies. I should have left before I did. I should have taken a clue from the fact that the voice in my head had a mantra of “I wish I was dead.” And I did. I wished it for years until I realized that life could be much better.
Narcissistic Marriage Lie #1:
He/she is just immature. Everyone in the family participates in this lie. “He will grow up. He is just young,” his parents, my parents, our friends, and I would assert. The benefit to this lie is that it is true. After all, a narcissist is stuck at the emotional age of a two-year-old. The lie is in the belief that time will cure narcissism. Perhaps for a few? After all, I don’t claim to know all narcissistic people. But I do know that narcissists do not seem to achieve the normal maturational milestones that most humans do. If you are waiting around for your narcissistic partner to grow up, you will waste decades on that futile hope.
Narcissistic Lie #2:
I can handle the abuse. The wrongheadedness of this lie should be self-evident. We were never meant to handle abuse. We were meant for a life lived in love and fruitfulness. And no one can handle abuse indefinitely. It will catch up with you. Your body will start to give out. Your heart will forget joy. Your mind will live in a state of fog in order to keep you from seeing what is there. I was sick for years. Immediately after I left, my health was restored. So now, I proudly assert, “I can’t handle abuse. I love myself too much to expose myself to it.”
Narcissistic Lie #3:
Kids are resilient. No, they are not. If they were, psychologists would go out of business. Childhood trauma surfaces later and is devastating. Children do not have the self-awareness or power to assert their pain and fear in abusive circumstances. Instead, they learn that they are powerless, that making mommy or daddy happy is their job, and that they are not worthy of love. Those are formulas for a miserable adulthood, and yet, keeping them in that situation made me a party to it. If nothing else, don’t fool yourself that somehow you can shield them from the effects of your narcissistic partner. No one else has and you can’t either.
Lie #4:
I can love and pray him/her out of it. I believe in prayer. Check out my blog. I have had amazing answers to prayer. But God doesn’t make anyone do anything. This is free will. You can pray for decades for a person, but ultimately, the decision to change is theirs alone. I have come to believe that praying obsessively for someone to change amounts to little more than a form of idolatry. God changed me and freed me from narcissistic abuse, but only because I invited Him too.
The fact that I used to pray that God would make me the kind of wife John needed is an indication of how twisted my reasoning had become. I worked, kept the house clean, and handled all the care for the children. What he did all day locked in his little office, God only knows. Narcissistic partners do not feel your love and do not recognize your sacrifices. They are merciless gods and do not deserve your worship.
Lie #5:
His/her behavior is somehow my fault. One day I was having my habitual prayer time. I spent a lot of time practicing forgiveness and would sit at the feet of Jesus letting Him love me as a way to experience the love I had missed for fourteen years. One day I found myself crying and saying to the Lord, “You saw what he did! You saw what he did to me!” The Lord’s presence filled the room and He said, “In no way do I hold you responsible for any of John’s actions.” Until that moment, I did not realize how deeply I had taken responsibility for my narcissistic husband. The only actions for which any of us are responsible are our own.
If you recognize these lies you tell yourself in order to keep yourself going, it might be time to reconsider some things. Truth can be so painful. I have been there, on my own with four little girls, two thousand miles from my family. But God led me out of the narcissistic wilderness, and I am so grateful. I wake up, and I no longer wonder if my husband is going to have a good day or a bad day. I swept up all the eggshells from the floor and can say what I mean without fearing a violent response. I live a normal life, and so do my daughters. I even plan for the future, knowing that I have one. I learned the Red Sea parts for us if we step out in faith.
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43 Comments
Carol
Thank you for sharing your story, Alice. In reflecting on these ideas people can have the healthiest relationships possible. With God all things are possible and I am happy to hear you have found healing.
Olivia
How did u escape 2,000 miles with your children and make a life for yourself and work? Who watched your kids how did you pay for shelter and food and food? I would like to leave too but he controls all the money, I don’t have a penny?
Darlene
I too escaped a 27-year marriage to a narcissist. Unfortunately, so much damage had already been done to my 3 kids. I was a Christian and didn’t think God would let me out and that I just needed to keep praying. I have found happiness and God has blessed my life more than I could ever imagine. Thank you for writing this much-needed article. I pray it helps others get out quicker.
Angela Royse Pelleman
Alice, your post is so well done. I’ve had those same words filter through my mind, and it took years to figure out it was because I was emotionally abused by a narcissistic mother. Narcissists train you; brainwash you into thinking that it’s your fault. Empathetic, compassionate people get taken in, because we simply assume that everyone else must think about people the same way we do. Well, that’s just not true. Narcissists don’t even have empathy, so they have no capacity to love. When we find out we’ve wasted a lifetime loving a person who never loved us back, and actually hated us instead, it is devastating. You can forgive, but you have to get out… as far away from the narcissist as possible. I’m so thankful we have Jesus to save us and protect us, and like you, I’m glad God let me know that it was never my fault. I was a child expecting to be loved by my mother. You were a wife expecting to be loved by your husband. As you said, it’s how God designed us. I’m so thankful He led us the way out! I pray you continuedhealing and peace and joy, as you discover more and more freedom in Christ! ❤️
Anonymous
Love this alot. You have to be very careful of the biblical Narcissist as well in the church and even in your own family and so forth. They believe that a man has the same authority as God and you should obey and let your man think for you and all kinds of other things. Very unhealthy and toxic they believe that the man suppose to know everything about you personal conversation and interactions you have with whomever outside your home and so forth. Becareful when and if your making plans to go your own way and trust that your father will see you through this and be their for you like our Heavenly Father does because Narcissist will do all kinds of ungodly things to you adding stress in your life that no one should have to tolerate. And trust me you don’t anyone who feels like they should have to tolerate blatant disrespect and evil has just agreed with the enemy as well as the devil. Remember our Heavenly Father is not like many earthly fathers, friends Pastor or even members in the church who will try to manliputive you into doing what they feel is right when everything in your heart has told you to move on and trust God not men. Keep your eyes on things above and know that no matter who is against you your Heavenly Father is and always will be with you and yes he cares. God bless
Anonymous
I dated a married one.. then found out his wife has been a victim for 20 years and because of her immigration status and fear of him.. she chooses to stay. She has seen her captivity as normal. His kids also do everything just to please him. He had the best of both worlds. It’s been a tough journey because I kept wanting to see his good side. Now, I pray for God to put someone in his wife’s life who can help her understand it is not okay to live in fear and in isolation.
Andrea Wiener
Thank God that Jesus can open up our eyes as to these truths and so much more!
Tania
What an eye-opener! Thanks for being transparent. This post will save many lives. I am posting on my Facebook fan page and pinning. Keep writing my sister! You’re an inspiration. Tania from TheodoraLove. http://www.theodoralove.com
Anonymous
Wow it is my life you are describing! Thank God I realized that I had to escape! My kids and I are so much happier after we left! Thank you for the blog, it is very insightful!!
Jenn
I’m still in a marriage with a narcissist… but God has said that the time is coming soon for my release. God also seems to be prompting me to write about my story … I just have no idea where to start. Thanks for these posts on your blog… they’re helping me see that maybe I CAN write this…
Anonymous
Thank you so much I’ve been telling myself lies for a long time I’m ready to really live 😉
Anonymous
I fled after 26 years of hell. My kids are messes. I got saved halfway through the marriage and prayed and begged God to belp, but He didn’t. I finally got myself out with no help from Him, got screwed in the divorce and now I’m living with my mother and dealing with the fallout with my grown children. I have lost all faith. I look back and see no sign of help from God. I no longer believe the bible is the “innerant” word of God or that He is interested in anything down here on earth. I have other friends whose situations are like mine and the narcissist wins at every turn, while children’s minds are being destroyed more each day, just like my kid’s were. Thanks for nothing, God.
Jenn
I was with mine 20 years, married for 13 I felt every one of these lies deeply.
Now ive been free 3 years and it’s amazing. How did you shield your girls from him?
I tried to be amicable during dissolution and ended up going with shared parenting. My kids hate going over there but he doesnt really break the law and in Ohio kids cant choose.
Donna
My ex turned many including my son from me. I to thought God failed me but No I got away from that hate and control. It will get better God never leaves you. You will see things take time. And God never forgets the pain your ex did to u or your family. There is good in the world
Lisa
I have had God in and out of life. I have known that I am in a narcissistic relationship but still I do not leave. My 3 children are grown now and ask why I don’t leave. I think because I know he will then have no one. He has gradually pushed everyone of his friends and family away through the 25 years we have been together. I am sad and depressed a lot of the time. He would prefer me not to have a relationship with anyone other than him. Not even our children but I refuse to let that happen.
Kris
Inam so glad I found your blog. I have been in an abusive marriage 20 years both physically and mentally my one and only child will be leaving for college in September and I am
Hoping I finally have the courage to leave. I am a practicing Catholic and have been so afraid all these years God will be mad at me and hate me if I leave but I don’t think I can do it anymore I often pray that I won’t wake up in the morning
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Kristy
I needed to hear this so much. I am a mom of 3 little girls and have been praying my way through all the confusion and torment, constantly asking God please show me.. is it me or is it him?? Something is wrong but I can’t see clearly because of the constant deflecting and twisting. Thank you for sharing & giving me hope!
Anonymous
You nailed it. It was hard to read. But it’s all facts.
I lived it for many years (not married, same man).
I fear my son has latched on to a female narcissist !
I’m broken, literally my heart and mind are broken aware of what he’s going to suffer from when its over!😵😩🙏
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Anonymous
I believed I should be able to be content in all circumstances – I loved this man for 36 years, we have four wonderful children, I believed I could do better all the time to improve our marriage. I believed that my family are bigger than my emotions and pain and continuously swept issues under the carpet. I do believe God will have the Victory – but we have all been damaged, hurt, and I cant hold my family together anymore. I need to decide whether to spend the next 30 years here and I need to know Gods will in all of it, as only then can I be sure that life will be truly blessed.
Tami Dular
1Corinthians 7:10,11…” A wife should not separate from her husband, But if she does separate, let her remain unmarried or else be reconciled with her husband… “
“If she does separate”… indicating that our creator understands that not all situations are emotionally tolerable and he gives God fearing Christian women the ability to leave without feeling guilty. Can you imagine Jesus treating you that way?
Anonymous
You have no idea how much this helped me. It was the answers I have been searching for. Thank you for sharing!
Patricia
This article hit home for me. I was in a relationship with a narcissist for 19yrs (8yrs dating, 11yrs married) and 3 kids. I prayed all the time, did counseling and endless conversations with him to try to help him see how he was destroying me…. I got out 2 yrs ago, my kids were 7yrs, 5yrs and 2yrs old. I was 34yrs old. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, truly. It has also been the best thing for me and my children. Some days are still a struggle as a single mom, but I would never go back to the years of emotional and verbal abuse. I have confidence now and will never again allow someone to strip me of all that I am. God has big plans for me that I am finally able to explore. Thank you for your article,
Take care, Patricia
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Anonymous
All I can say is I have read so much about this condition and nothing spoke to me louder than this!! Thank you so much for sharing. God brought me out of a toxic relationship early enough that I did not suffer for years. I am 62 years old, I have never in my life met this type of personality. In fact I was unaware they even existed. However the damage he caused in a very short time has been difficult to overcome. I am slowly everyday getting stronger. Thank you again this is spot on!!
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Chantelle Maartens
I have to say how much reading this is helping me. I am currently living in a very unhappy narcissistic marriage. And my girls are suffering. Constantly praying something will change, exactly as you said! It’s hitting hard and I feel it’s time to find myself again and do what is best for myself and my two beautiful girls. Reality is I cannot change myself enough for him and vice versa. But I also cannot not do this for another 10 years! Thank you for these eye opening words.
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Anonymous
same as yours, for 22 years, I left our house 1 year ago but I knew that he has another source way back 2014 but I still manage to hide it to everyone to save our marriage but comes to the point that loses my faith knowing that he’s not going to change. Thank God I’m still here surviving for even without my kids.
Oksana
Thank you for writing this ! I could relate to everything you said. It made me feel not so alone. I now have gone through a divorce and feel that I am living a much healthier and better life with my two young sons .
Anonymous
I learned, enjoyed and appreciate your article. It is well written with true information. Most articles are useless.
I am 66 years old, living in this horrible insane situation as all others have described. Been married 26 years to this nut job. I understand why he is narcissistic due to his childhood. However, as an adult, these narciccist have choices and choose to continue this behavior. They know better. You see how they do NOT act around outsiders.
For years I knew something was “not right”. I too, did not know of narcissism but when I did learn of it, that was the answer to all of my “not right” questions.
I am in a classic narcissistic marriage.
Since I too have gone through all the stages of this horror, I made my escape plan and know executing it will be the hardest. Faith is what keeps me going.
Anyone pondering what to do—the only thing you can do is make a strategic plan to exit. Do it NOW. thanks again for the article.
free as a
to the 66 yr old married 26 years..have you escaped? .I am 64 married 38 years and currently plotting my escape..ready to leave without home or possessions..just my faith and a dear son willing to shelter me
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Anonymous
Have been out of a 32-year hellish marriage with a narcissist for 6 years now and am just starting to feel like myself again. It has taken a lot of internal work, counseling, prayer and the grace of God to reach where I am, and I am thankful every single day that I no longer have to live in such a destructive soul-killing situation. This article is stating the facts. BELIEVE THEM. Please if you are involved with a narcissist do not waste one more day of your precious life hoping or thinking that your narcissist will change. Make your escape plan and go for it. Yes, it is scary and sad and frustrating and disappointing and absolutely mind boggling, but recovery is possible. A good life is possible. Peace of mind is possible. I know; I am living proof.
Jason
Thank you so much for this – especially the last thought. I didn’t think that anyone would believe me on this.
I was in abusive marriage to my wife for over 20 years and 17 as highly abusive. We were highly involved in our church and it was all behind-closed-doors stuff.
When I finally got to my snapping point and announced I was done, I was distraught and on my knees praying, crying out to the Lord. I cried, “show me how evil I am. Make me see how much I’ve failed you. I can’t fix this any longer and I’m so unworthy.”
I felt this incredible peace on me. That still, quiet voice said to me clearly: “Even I have had to give people up to the consequences of their actions. This is not your fault.” And verses spilled into my mind of many times in scripture of God delivering people up to the consequences of their actions.
Not once since have I doubted that I made the right choice. I tried to the end of my capacity to change myself but it never worked. Nothing ever worked – the goal posts just changed, instead.
I was very, very angry with God – I had prayed and trusted that He knew the future when I married my wife. I still don’t understand the Why it happened but I now trust that there is a reason it did. Maybe one of our kids? Maybe to allow me to help others in this space, in time? God alone knows.
Thanks for this message.
Alice Mills
I don’t have those answers, either. But I do know that God has saved my sanity more than once and is redeeming this experience gradually. Blessings to you…
Berit Blom
Hi. I am a danish woman. I lived with a narcissist for 20 years. He was never fysically abusive, but extremely manipulative and always knew everything better. He always diminished my discissions with the Kids and made me feel inferior. We met in the church. As time passed I got more and more depressed and finally I was admitted into a psyciatric hospital for 3 months. I felt so trapped by the marriage “untill death do us part”. I was 16 when I met him and he was 13 years older. The time I spent in hospital literally saved my life. I finally got the courage to feel myself and act on it. My four sons are scarred for life in different ways.
Even now 23 years later I sometime ask myself if I was wrong. He still has some power over me. I was in therapy for 12 years. What am impact he has had in my and my sons lives.
Melissa
Your story touches me deeply Alice. I just finally left my husband, I escaped and have no plans on going back. I’ve been with him for 25 years, married for 23. Things got really bad in the past 9 years and the past 3 years were horrible. It only progressed the longer I stayed. If I were to go back I would not survive. This is the hardest thing I have ever done. I am so screwed up emotionally and mentally — I even miss him knowing how much he abused me. I lived in a nightmare but it was the nightmare I knew.
I walked away with two suitcases weighing 47 pounds each, that’s it. I left my life. But at the same time, I took my life back. I pray to god and thank god every day for the strength to not return and the courage to move forward.
I am blessed with wonderful family and friends that welcomed me back into their arms. I pray I can stay and heal and slowly find a new life. For all of this, I am grateful.
Melissa
Irene Madrid
My father was a narcissist and we lived in a cult like family so of course, I married a man who was narcissist, and he even looked like my handsome Mediterranean father. I stayed because of the children and highly successful business that I talked him into. FINALLY, when the grands came, I started having boundaries and he divorced me, announcing it in front of family. SURPRISE! Then, he tried to finically RUIN me, tried to take my half of the company away. he tried EVERY devious thing he could possible think of , often with the help of flying monkeys. BUT….GOD gave him a rare mutation which finally killed him. He was dying and yelled: your mother is winning, and I am losing. OH DID I AGREE! I now {{{ THRIVE }}}, and allow all the time to heal that is necessary,.
Cynthia Hill
I have been married to a narcissist for 58 years and am 80 years old. I am disabled and so is he. He has COPD, heart failure, diabete(uncontrolled) and I have fibromyalgia which makes me hurt all the time and u have to use a walker. I have just realized that he IS a narcissist. I’m developing heart problems which may or may not be stress related. What can I do? I’m exhausted. I have cared for him for thirty years of diabetes, many emergency trips to the ER. He uses his health to manipulate me. I have no ove, only pity because I can see where his childhood and youth made him this way. But I don’t know what I can physically do.
Anonymous
Thank you for the article. I am suffering marriage with a narcissist which I didn’t recognize for many years. Unfortunately, I believe that if I separate myself from her it would be worse for me. You see, I am a Gospel preacher and the penalty, right or wrong, for divorce would mean never pastoring a church again. I know my calling and I’m bound by that fire in my heart and bones. I feel hard pressed to endure her abuse to the end for Christ’s sake and the Gospel. I’m not expecting advice; I just wanted to share that sometimes even good, well meaning Christians can make matters worse. Because, she has two faces, her family and our friends never see the face that she shows me. I can only pray but it feels fleeting. There is no doubt in my mind that her narcissistic behavior has harmed my ministry. I am trapped with the return of Jesus Christ as my only hope.