My heart always nosedives when I meet the victim of a narcissistic mother. They are usually some of the nicest people you will ever meet, though it may be difficult to get to know them. When they come for prayer ministry, it isn’t the presence of bad memories making it difficult for them to heal. While bad memories are plentiful, the lack of good memories is actually more of a barrier. And while abusive fathers are bad enough, a narcissistic mother in some ways is far worse.
Mothers are crucial to the development of the internal self of a baby. A child whose mother is incapable of meeting basic emotional needs is thwarted from the very beginning. A narcissistic mother strips the agency from a child, leaving them without a defined sense of self in many cases. Put another way, a mother’s care and affection are deposits into the developing identity of a child. If denied this tenderness, a young child lacks a sense of what is ‘me’ and what is ‘not me’. This leads to adulthood that lacks joy and makes decision-making a nightmare.
So how can you tell if your mother is narcissistic? Look for these signs:
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Her children are extensions of herself.
A narcissistic mother believes that her worth as a parent will be judged by the achievements of her children. In order to create a
supporting cast worthy of her sense of grandiosity, she becomes a tyrant at home. A narcissistic mother micro-manages everything from clothing to achievements at school. A child is not a person, merely a puppet to be manipulated into making mommy look like a star mommy.
Because their personal boundaries are so often invaded, their children often grow up to be doormats. They literally have no practice making decisions and often rely on others to make them. Sometimes I think the Tiger mom method of raising children strays into this arena. The goal of child-rearing is not nurturing accomplishment. The aim is to nurture a person.
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A narcissistic mother chooses favorites.
The reason for choosing favorites is not due to feeling closer to one child than another. The actual motivation is pretty diabolical. If she can cause division among the ranks of her kids, then they can’t gang up on her. A divided army can’t throw off the chains of tyranny.
One common way to nurture this rancor between siblings is to show outrageous favor to one while over-punishing the others. This guarantees that one child will have her back against the others. Because the worldview of a narcissist is always us against them, she reenacts this scenario at home over and over.
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She competes with her children.
If you compliment the child of a narcissistic mother, she will turn it around as praise to herself. I remember commenting on how bright one student was. Her mother immediately said I know she is bright because I am even brighter! I looked at her in astonishment and tried again by noting her daughter’s accomplishments. She responded She would never have accomplished any of it without me pushing her. Those accomplishments are really mine.
I felt slimed and very sorry for that young woman. A narcissistic mother must always be in the limelight. A real mother wants her children to shine all on their own.
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A narcissistic mother is incapable of empathy.
Typically, a child raised by a narcissistic parent of either sex feels no closeness with that parent. This is a giant void in the life of a child. What makes the lack of empathy by a mother so virulently harmful is that it is a mother’s love that a child must first encounter. The love of a mother is crucial to the emotional development of a person.
The results of this lack of nurture leave a person unable to bond deeply and yet with a need that no person can fill. As adults, we give out of the well of love that we have received. If our well is dry, giving and receiving love, even just experiencing being loved, can be very difficult. That lack of good things harms our love receptors. People may love the adult child of a narcissist, but they will have difficulty recognizing and internalizing it.
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The child is to blame for everything.
The ingrained belief of a narcissistic mother is that everything that goes wrong can be laid at the door of her child. Every bad mood or conflict is the fault of the child. She nurses grudges against her children and view any failure in their lives as an attack on her. Even her memories of family events are a litany of what everyone did wrong.
This is not just being critical. A narcissistic mother convinces herself that something is wrong with the very being of her children and goes out of her way to communicate that. Children of such mothers have little self-esteem and are often plagued by self-destructive tendencies. They participate in the rejection of their very selves and often wish they had never been born.
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The child of a narcissistic mother often acts as her mediator in her transient relationships.
A narcissistic mother tends to be likable and charismatic. That is until you get to know her. Then suddenly conflicts and misunderstandings begin to arise. The child is often put in the place of her advocate against an unfair world. Such a child must try to smooth over the relationships or attempt to make amends for the wrongs of their parent.
This often results in a highly parentified child, one who must be the caretaker of the parent. One easy way to spot a narcissist is if they constantly recount the number of times that others have done them wrong. They don’t seem to realize that the only constant in their equation is themselves.
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A narcissistic mother gaslights her own kids.
A narcissistic mother has a selective memory. Common phrases are I never said that! That never happened. You made that up! It’s just your imagination. At every turn, she revises history and turns the words of her children against them. The goal here is not necessarily self-defense. The goal is to make her children so doubt themselves that they will trust her word over theirs. She is attempting to separate her children from their very selves to turn them into extensions of herself, with her version of life.
The tragic result of this is that the children of a narcissistic mother doubt their feelings and thoughts. They are forced to live a life of cognitive dissonance where their minds had to block out their feelings. Divided against themselves, children of narcissists often turn to self-destructive measures to numb the pain or they become dissociative. Survival depended on disconnecting from themselves.
I remember reading C.S. Lewis say that writing The Screwtape Letters was a terrible experience. Delving into the depths of demonic strategy led him on a pretty dark journey. I sympathize with him. My body tensed while writing this, and I felt so sad. I was blessed with a mother who loved me, but the pain of the victims of narcissistic mothers is very real to me. I have seen Jesus heal these wounds but they always take a lot of time and reconstruction of the self. I am so grateful that Jesus never abandons anyone, but takes the time and care needed to build up a hurting soul.
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Sadly these traits are common in any narcissist. Very well written article.
So sadly true! This is a well written and organized piece on narcissistic mothers. Learning the mindset and manipulations of a narcissist does leave one feeling icky! I hope those struggling with this situation take comfort in knowing that they have a Parent who loves them deeply.
I love my children more than life. Recently I realized I was becoming like my mother(after she passed away)and was confused why I felt bad about it. Asked forgiveness from my kids (9&4) and told them I will go back to being their favorite mommy I was. Then started researching why daughters take after their mom’s traits and was led to the term narcissism. Never knew I was feeling like this my whole life because of my upbringing. I just want to break this cycle. I can’t raise my kids the way I was raised.
Great article . I need help to change.
I am the oldest child of a narcissistic mother. Not only was I lucky enough to have my mother, but I was also raised by her father. He had LOTS of issues of his own that played into a nightmare childhood for my brothers and I. I protected and cared for my brothers the best I could growing up. We are now in our 40s and 50s still struggling to find who we are as individuals and siblings. I have 2 grown children that I love dearly, but nearly destroyed with my f***ed up self. Miraculously we have great relationships now and are in constant contact. Grandfather is dead and mother has been cut out of all of our lives. I work every day to love myself and share that love with my brothers and children.
Thank you for this article. I read articles like yours to remind myself that I am not alone, that I am okay, and to love all the broken pieces of myself. One day at a time. B
Wow. Clearly written. I will share with a friend who needs this.
Such a well written post. I pray that my children are not suffering from any of my failings as a mother, which are so many! ❤
I wish parents realized that focusing on themselves does so much harm to their children!
Thank you for all you do to encourage parents/adult children in their journey. You’re doing a great work!
What a wonderfully written article. Dead on and such a struggle! Im very sad that I will never have a real relationship with her or ever really feel a mothers love. I was lucky to have a loving Grandma while I did… it explains why I was soo devastated and went through other things when she died… that was my Mother. My real one has no empathy and does and says some very awful things. She is cold, calculated cares only about her image and self and yes I was always trying to please her to the point of almost deleting myself permantently…No affection in my family. Just punishing me for everything… going to big lengths to cut off my career as well or anything in life I was successful at. I never gave up trying.
For the last 8 years I havent had a bday celebration or any wish or gift… she deleted me from Christmas and then says she doesnt..
your article enlists all the things she does and has said to me!
There is some comfort in knowing there is someone else out there that understands my pain. I also only attract narcissists in my relationships as well. The joy in life has vanished… ive felt like this since she cut off every avenue i took to create a good life for myself with respect to my career relationships etc….and yep pinned my brother against me by using my dad… ie telling him lies about me that werent true and then he would tell my brother and create the constant divide that we still have to this day. It takes a hell of a lot to get through this. I pray everyday. I write and I continue to read as much as I possibly can on this topic. Thank you for writing such a great article for the world to immerse themselves in. God Bless!
It was only after divorcing a narcissist and healing, learning boundaries etc that I began to realize how dysfunctional my upbringing was. Triangulation was huge in my home. I’ve taken a big step away from my family and my mom has blasted me on Facebook, private messaged my friends saying she thinks I dont care if she dies and accused me of things that I did not do. Breaking the ties of manipulation is difficult but I know I broke the cycle. My kids are allowed to be separate people from me and have opinions and boundaries. My mom hates the word boundaries and will spew out how “she has her boundaries…” as if that makes me a naughty child.
I believe growing up like this led me to marrying for all the wrong reasons.
How does this cycle end? After a 20 yr marriage to a narc. I’m healing and then realize my mom is a narc. And now I know my granddaughters mother is a narc. How can I even start to change this cycle?
You have already begun by identifying the issue. You have the most difficult task as the gap generation. But the stand you make and your brave journey of healing will undoubtedly create a rupture in this generational cycle.
Reading this makes me feel sick. Not that the article was poorly written. But all the memories it stirred up from my deep dark childhood that I’ve suppressed for so many years. The hate that I have for my mother is indescribable. She was a hitter and I was what she liked to hit. She never passed on reason to beat on me. I always liked the sticks better, they would eventually wear out and break apart. The leather belt didn’t do that. Then I would be forbidden to leave my room until the marks went away. She acted like it was part of the punishment, I figured it out, she didn’t want anyone to see the marks and figure out what she was doing to me. I could never figure out what was so funny about beating on me. She would be laughing so hard she would need to stop and take a break before she could finish the beating. That went on for many years. She found a way to get supply. Of course the day came when I wasn’t going to take that anymore. I stood my ground. I was going to fight back. It was Christmas eve, I was thinking she was going to plan something special for me. She had left early in the morning without saying anything. It’s about 11:30 pm. I was by myself and went to bed. All the sudden there is pounding on the front door, it’s the police. She found a way to burn me once again. She gave the neighbors a key to the house and called the police and told them I ran away and to take me to juvenile hall. How the police could think I ran away when I am at my house, I don’t know. I could not just let her win. So after the neighbor gave the police the key, that I could see happening through the curtains. I ran to my room and loaded my gun. I tried to go out my window but I could see flashlights in the back yard. I would not have made it very far with no shoes and wearing
pajamas. It had been snowing. Things started moving faster. I knew any moment the front door would open and I would be on my way to jail. Then the police were in the house, thinking I am going to make a stand, just like I did with my mother. As soon as the first cop entered the hall, I chambered a round and pointed the gun. The look on his face was something I had not seen before. He knew I could end his life. As much as I wanted to pull that trigger, I could not do it. He didn’t do this, My mother was the author of this story. She won, i got my face kicked in, and now at 11yrs old I have a felony. I know she wished she she could of been there to watch these cops kick me until I was knocked out. I bet every time she thinks about that, she has a special moment to herself. MB
I am currently dealing with the results of a narcissistic mother with my step daughter, it’s heart breaking, I just hope and pray that the damage can be undone.
I am so sorry. Your step-daughter can definitely choose a different path. Honesty and education along with some therapy can go a long way.
I related to WAY too much of this! Grew up with a mother much like this. So good!
Oh my God this is so real I’m 60 and spent the last year not having contact with my mum . She’s aging and had treatment for cancer . I live about 100 miles away but it’s not good enough that I’m not there 247 although she’s got other family and a husband.
All good and well, could not agree more. But does the narcissistic person ever get help? As a Christian everyone says…. NO divorce. Being trapped, watching this women destroy everyone around her is beyond sad… but how much more does a spouse have to endure? If I get one more Gomer reference…… 😢🔫 When can it be enough?
Have dealt with a narcissistic mother for years. Tired and sick of her manipulative ways. When I visit I just try to block her out. I don’t do any extras for her anymore because anything I did wasn’t as good as what my sister has done and that’s all she talks about. She made my childhood hell.
I thought my mother was bipolar for years. I am 35 I have no relationship with her for a few years now, I’m reading these articles and now I have no doubt I’ve been raised by a strong Narcissist woman and been trying to refused to live with her rules and questioning her mentally since I was a child. Yes I was lucky enough to realized things . But not every child can see. I hope all women care to read and learn about themselves and try to fix. Because at the end they just created a person with broken heart which can never be fixed and who thinks she is never enough for anything …
Having a N mother is like being stuck in a spiders web your whole life. You struggle to get to the edge of the web until you finally break free. You then realize there is a whole other world you have missed out on. All the time it took to get free you never get back. You also never want to go near that web ever again!
Thank goodness I got help🙏Very frightening character traits!My children’s identities are important to me as their own.Their happiness is important.There is no competition as I feel they will both do so much more than me.There happiness is what counts 🌺