When to Go No Contact: A Biblical View
One of the most misunderstood concepts in abuse recovery is the concept of going no contact. As Christians in particular, this decision is often accompanied by a lot of guilt or fear. We reason to ourselves that we must love everyone, as indeed, Christ loved us. But even the Bible advises going no contact in some cases. I would even argue that cutting someone out of one’s life is sometimes the most Biblical choice one can make. But as always, we need real discernment when making such a drastic choice.
Complicating our decision is the concept that God forgives us as we forgive others. For many, the concept of forgiveness seems antithetical to going no contact. But forgiveness refers only to the state of our hearts. Giving up wrath and the right to revenge is just part of taking up our crosses. But reconciliation comes after forgiveness and refers to the state of both hearts. While we forgive those who trespass against us, for reconciliation to occur, the other party’s heart must be repentant.
Jesus, in Matthew 18: 15-17, speaks on this topic very specifically.
“If your brother sins [against you], go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have won over your brother.
16 If he does not listen, take one or two others along with you so that ‘every fact may be established on the testimony of two or three witnesses.’
17j If he refuses to listen to them, tell the church. If he refuses to listen even to the church, then treat him as you would a Gentile or a tax collector.
My first takeaway is that this scripture refers to our brother, not a stranger. If someone within the body of Christ sins against us, then we have
a prescriptive process to follow. And what kind of sin is this passage referencing? A hint is given to us when he says to treat them as you would a Gentile or a tax collector. Given the dishonesty of the tax collectors and the lawlessness with which many of the Gentiles lived, especially the Romans, this makes sense.
But my own experience with this comes from a totally different scripture entirely. 2 Timothy 3 is very clear about going no contact.
1 But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. 2 People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, 3 without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, 4 treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God— 5 having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people.
This accurate description of narcissists doesn’t end here; going on to describe the women they prey on, of which I was once. When we are young, we see people through the lenses of our own innocence. Even now, many have a hard time accepting the fact that deliberately evil people exist. Like the latest Cruella movie from Disney, we ascribe their wicked behavior to a terrible past. While an abusive past may contribute to a narcissist’s choices, the Bible clarifies that we are individually responsible for our own behavior.
James 4: 17 puts it bluntly, “So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin.” Abusers know that what they do is wrong. More than that, they often enjoy it. But this scripture should spur the consciences of those of us who maintain relationships with dangerous people. We know we ought not, but we do, putting ourselves and others in danger. The instruction to have nothing to do with such people is very clear.
I am reminded of an episode of the Horse Whisperer. Not the movie with Robert Redford, the real one who worked with horses and their owners. One lady had a dangerous horse. He had neurological damage that caused him to lash out. Horses can be dangerous animals, and those who handle them need as much training as the horses themselves. The horse whisperer made an observation I found convicting and incredibly insightful. He asked the lady what monsters were in her own psyche that made it seem normal to her to have a vicious horse. He asked her why she did not value her own safety. The horse wanted to kill her, but she kept trying to change it. Sound familiar?
Brothers and sisters, we must ask ourselves the same question! Why do we care so little for ourselves and those around us that we would keep dangerous people close to us? Why are we so careless with our own safety? We cannot change ourselves without much effort or the transformation offered by the Holy Spirit. We cannot veer the deliberately wicked from their course. Obviously, I am not talking about well-meaning husbands or wives who need better communication skills or any of the usual conflicts that arise in marriage. I refer to emotional, financial, and physical abuse.
Going no contact takes immense courage. To do it, one must let go of all dreams of where that relationship could go. All of those are built on a false premise, anyway; the premise that the relationship is real. True intimacy relies on the notion that two people truly see each other. That is impossible when one sees the other as an object to use at their whim.
Going no contact means developing the discernment to see through all the manipulations of the abuser to reestablish the relationship. It means saying no to them and to oneself. The backbone required is often substantial. I think that it is often why people stay a long time. It takes time and a repetitive cycle to reach the point of no return.
Lastly, it means telling the truth to everyone, including ourselves. I know that I went back because of religious guilt. Nothing in my body wanted to return, but I let myself be talked into it by well-meaning outsiders. Why? Because I couldn’t bring myself to tell them the truth about the nature and severity of the mental and emotional torture. I couldn’t even really face it myself until years after the divorce.
I say these things not to shame anyone into going no contact. That doesn’t really work. I write to reassure those on the brink of making that decision that God is on your side in this. He has called you to a life of peace. Any guilt associated with it does not come from him. I pray that God will help you remove your abusers from your life so you can be set free to pursue your destiny in him.
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11 Comments
Amber
Wonderful, wise words. Yes, going no contact is very difficult! I think the hardest part is being okay with not everyone understanding why going no contract was necessary. Many who give advice on this are naive to the damage narcissists can do. Thanks for writing.
Alice Mills
I still get people asking why, though years later so many more instances of terrible abuse have surfaced.
Anonymous
15 years after leaving, my ex keeps sending gifts/cards, though I’ve told him not to. I returned a bday yesterday and told him to STOP IT! Is this okay?
Anonymous
Not okay! Dont fall for the trickery. He just wants contact! U will suffer!
Karen Jamieson
Thank you for this very insightful and wise post. Saying ‘ No’ to ourselves is a powerful, powerful statement! Those who have been abused for decades need some kind of empowerment to proceed w it’s no contact. The biblical references and personal experiences by the author are a catalyst for empowerment. God bless the author for her work in Poema Chronicles.
Anonymous
This was it for me. Thank you so much! I had read before, but never connected 2 Timothy 3 to going NO CONTACT. And it’s plain as the nose on my face…I need to go no contact with my (what do I call him…) my soon-to-be-ex boyfriend. I kept the continuous loop of self talk that said things like, It’s not Christian to go NO contact; It’s so cruel and mean and selfish; etc. etc. In fact, I’ve tried to go No Contact at least 5 times before, and I’ve escaped to different cities twice, only to have him love bomb me back and follow me there. SMH. He’s no longer physically violent/abusive (He’s on powerful anti-psychotic medication that really zones him out); but now he’s sinful in his drug addictions and just plain old immoral. He has no problem stealing from friends, lying constantly, and just isn’t what I want to be around every day anymore. I have finally gotten my own apartment, separate from him, but we are still in the same city, and he still finds ways to cross over my weakly-placed boundaries, knowing that I’ll give in to him. All because, I felt I needed to be the Christian and be an example of how to act for him to follow. I know now, that no matter how much I pray and set good examples of Christian behavior for him to follow, it’s his choice in the end. “you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink”. And now, I feel I’ve been given “permission” to stop it all. Just cut him off. Change phone numbers, and don’t share with him my plans or my new number. (I read in another one of your posts that this not sharing is the hard part and I know it will be. I share everything with him. Because he’s not allowed me to have friends besides him in the last 10 years. So I share everything with him. This, though, I cannot.)
I start a new job in 3 days, and I’m getting more involved in my church, so hopefully I can make real friends and stay firm in this new phase in my life. Pray for me! and I will pray for you, your family, and your very important ministry!
Faye655
https://cr-v.su/forums/index.php?autocom=gallery&req=si&img=4021
Anonymous
Thank you for this! 🙏 As a Christian I have felt guilty, but your article, complete with biblical references, was an eye opener! I have been in no contact for almost 3 years and I will never go back! I now belong to Christ and I just want to move forward in my life with Him. May God bless us all and heal us for what we have been through 🙏 We just have to thank Him for setting us free! 🙏❤️ Glory be to God! 🙏❤️
Valley Ant
Good article. I believe a big part of why so many people succumb to guilt to stay with narcissists and other abusers is because there is very little teaching in churches about abuse of any kind and how to properly respond. The only teaching, for the most part, is that you should ‘forgive and embrace’ people who abuse you. If there was more proper and practical (and biblical) teaching about the proper way to respond to different types of abuse and abusers, then there would be far less people who are held fast by guilt and condemnation in abusive and unhealthy relationships.
Morgan
I think you got it wrong. First how are we supposed to treat tax collectors and gentiles? Matthew chapter 9 versus 9 through 12 gives you one clear answer to that. Second in 2 timothy 3 his talking about the future. I think going no contact long term is the opposite of what God wants. We are as Christians supposed to lead by example. If this separation is a marriage we are to win over our spouse with our strong belief in Jesus Christ.
I’m not saying stay in your current relationship with the abuser. But you can’t help someone find their Christianity from a distance. No contact is just that, putting distance between you and the one God put you with. I agree no contact for a short time to get your mind and heart closer to God for you to be able to do what God wants. Your boundaries and reasoning should be crystal clear to your spouse if not it’s just manipulation on your part. Making yourself no better then the narcissist. A narcissist is a sick person that needs help from a Christian with strong conviction in God.
I’m in this situation I have filed for a divorce. Because I’m not strong and I’m done with the abuse. I’m praying for my spouse and I to see one another as sinners letting God work his all mighty power in us to soften our hearts so we can come together and reconcile.
Valley Ant
Your premise is wrong. Your comment is full of many wrong statements and assertions– too many to try to answer individually.
The Bible says “God has called us to peace” and Jesus is the Prince of Peace. Living with or being harassed by a narcissist makes for anything but peace. Narcissists rarely ever repent. There are many of them in the Bible and only a few are recorded as being repentant. Some popular narcissists in the Bible include Pharaoh who scorned the notion of submitting to God and refused to let Israel go even after ten plagues decimated his country; King Nebuchadnezzar, the only narcissist the Bible reports was repentant; Queen Jezebel who scorned the notion of submitting to anything godly; and several more.
Jesus talked about narcissists (eg. the judge in the parable of the widow in Luke 18:1), and it was narcissists who targeted, harassed, and killed Him (the religious leaders). Narcissists are unrepentant. You are not supposed to pray for them.
I was praying for a narcissist minister and her husband several years ago, for God to grant them a repentant heart. (The wife was the narcissist and the husband more of a submissive follower.) After praying for several days, the Lord Himself told me in prayer that I should not pray for them. I didn’t yet know it was possible for God to discourage prayer for anyone, so I asked Him to show me in the Bible if it was possible for God to tell someone to not pray for someone else. He led me to several scriptures but these are the two main ones:
1. 1John 5:16 says, “If anyone sees his brother committing a sin not leading to death, he shall ask, and God will give him life—to those who commit sins that do not lead to death. There is sin that leads to death; I do not say that one should pray for that.” The plain implication here is that there are certain sins people can commit where you’re free to pray for God to give them a repentant heart and that there are certain sins people can commit where God cannot grant them a repentant heart (because they have made a final decision to sin and will not repent).
2. 1Samuel 16:1 says, “Now the Lord said to Samuel, ‘How long will you mourn for Saul, seeing I have rejected him from reigning over Israel? Fill your horn with oil, and go; I am sending you to Jesse the Bethlehemite. For I have provided Myself a king among his sons.'” This was after God rejected King Saul from being king due to his rebellion and sin. Samuel, as Saul’s spiritual father, mourned and prayed for Saul after that… but after a while God spoke to him and told him to not pray for Saul since God had rejected him (with finality) and that Samuel should go looking for someone who would be obedient. God used particularly this passage to prove to me that it was He who was telling me that the narcissist minister and her husband had stepped beyond the reach of His Grace and that there was no need to pray for them since they would not repent.
Both passages above draw the same conclusion: God wants us to pray for those who aren’t totally rebellious to God and to not pray for those whose sins are totally rebellious to God. Narcissists’ sins and approach to life are full of rebellion towards God. Unless God specifically tells a believer to pray for a narcissist, and the believer has other mature or godly believers to bear witness that the command came from God, believers should not pray for narcissists to repent. In fact, as someone who has tried it and who came under immense demonic counterattack as a result, I would very strongly advise all believers to never (ever ever ever) do it.