When to Go No Contact: A Biblical View

One of the most misunderstood concepts in abuse recovery is the concept of going no contact. As Christians in particular, this decision is often accompanied by a lot of guilt or fear. We reason to ourselves that we must love everyone, as indeed, Christ loved us. But even the Bible advises going no contact in some cases. I would even argue that cutting someone out of one’s life is sometimes the most Biblical choice one can make. But as always, we need real discernment when making such a drastic choice.

Complicating our decision is the concept that God forgives us as we forgive others. For many, the concept of forgiveness seems antithetical to going no contact.  But forgiveness refers only to the state of our hearts. Giving up wrath and the right to revenge is just part of taking up our crosses. But reconciliation comes after forgiveness and refers to the state of both hearts. While we forgive those who trespass against us, for reconciliation to occur, the other party’s heart must be repentant.

Jesus, in Matthew 18: 15-17, speaks on this topic very specifically.

“If your brother sins [against you], go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have won over your brother.

16 If he does not listen, take one or two others along with you so that ‘every fact may be established on the testimony of two or three witnesses.’

17^j If he refuses to listen to them, tell the church. If he refuses to listen even to the church, then treat him as you would a Gentile or a tax collector.

My first takeaway is that this scripture refers to our brother, not a stranger. If someone within the body of Christ sins against us, then we have a prescriptive process to follow. And what kind of sin is this passage referencing? A hint is given to us when he says to treat them as you would a Gentile or a tax collector. Given the dishonesty of the tax collectors and the lawlessness with which many of the Gentiles lived, especially the Romans, this makes sense.

But my own experience with this comes from a totally different scripture entirely. 2 Timothy 3 is very clear about going no contact.

1 But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. 2 People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, 3 without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, 4 treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God— 5 having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people.

This accurate description of narcissists doesn’t end here; going on to describe the women they prey on, of which I was once. When we are young, we see people through the lenses of our own innocence. Even now, many have a hard time accepting the fact that deliberately evil people exist. Like the latest Cruella movie from Disney, we ascribe their wicked behavior to a terrible past. While an abusive past may contribute to a narcissist’s choices, the Bible clarifies that we are individually responsible for our own behavior.

James 4: 17 puts it bluntly, “So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin.” Abusers know that what they do is wrong. More than that, they often enjoy it. But this scripture should spur the consciences of those of us who maintain relationships with dangerous people. We know we ought not, but we do, putting ourselves and others in danger. The instruction to have nothing to do with such people is very clear.

I am reminded of an episode of the Horse Whisperer. Not the movie with Robert Redford, the real one who worked with horses and their owners. One lady had a dangerous horse. He had neurological damage that caused him to lash out. Horses can be dangerous animals, and those who handle them need as much training as the horses themselves. The horse whisperer made an observation I found convicting and incredibly insightful. He asked the lady what monsters were in her own psyche that made it seem normal to her to have a vicious horse. He asked her why she did not value her own safety. The horse wanted to kill her, but she kept trying to change it. Sound familiar?

Brothers and sisters, we must ask ourselves the same question! Why do we care so little for ourselves and those around us that we would keep dangerous people close to us? Why are we so careless with our own safety? We cannot change ourselves without much effort or the transformation offered by the Holy Spirit. We cannot veer the deliberately wicked from their course. Obviously, I am not talking about well-meaning husbands or wives who need better communication skills or any of the usual conflicts that arise in marriage. I refer to emotional, financial, and physical abuse.

Going no contact takes immense courage. To do it, one must let go of all dreams of where that relationship could go. All of those are built on a false premise, anyway; the premise that the relationship is real. True intimacy relies on the notion that two people truly see each other. That is impossible when one sees the other as an object to use at their whim.

Going no contact means developing the discernment to see through all the manipulations of the abuser to reestablish the relationship. It means saying no to them and to oneself. The backbone required is often substantial. I think that it is often why people stay a long time. It takes time and a repetitive cycle to reach the point of no return.

Lastly, it means telling the truth to everyone, including ourselves. I know that I went back because of religious guilt. Nothing in my body wanted to return, but I let myself be talked into it by well-meaning outsiders. Why? Because I couldn’t bring myself to tell them the truth about the nature and severity of the mental and emotional torture. I couldn’t even really face it myself until years after the divorce.

I say these things not to shame anyone into going no contact. That doesn’t really work. I write to reassure those on the brink of making that decision that God is on your side in this. He has called you to a life of peace. Any guilt associated with it does not come from him. I pray that God will help you remove your abusers from your life so you can be set free to pursue your destiny in him.

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The Cost of Staying: Narcissistic Abuse