Despair: The Aim of the Abuser

Despair is not often discussed, though it is considered a dangerous psychological condition. Psychology Today describes despair as:

        … profound and existential hopelessness, helplessness, powerlessness, and pessimism about life and the future. Despair is a deep discouragement and loss of faith about one’s ability to find meaning, fulfillment, and happiness, to create a satisfactory future for oneself.

The goal of an abuser is to produce the elements of despair in another person. In speaking with the victims of this abuse and having suffered as one myself, I am always surprised at how difficult it is to admit to the intentionality of emotional abuse. Victims often invent excuses for their abusers (I did!). We wax eloquent on their terrible childhoods and traumas. Maybe because to admit to the actual maliciousness of abuse is to confront evil.

Evil is not a popular word either. Science prefers words like anti-social behavior and psychopathic tendencies. I could write a whole post on just how we try to avoid the word evil. Perhaps it’s because if we admit the possibility of evil in others, we must face the possibility in ourselves. But the connection between evil and despair is one well-explored in art and literature. Funny how our ideas of evil look so similar in every genre. Chains and dead trees, barren landscapes and ruined castles show us the power of destruction.  And despair looks like prisoners with no hope of escape.

So how does an abuser instill despair into their victim? I don’t need to go much further than the list in the first paragraph. It read almost as a how-to.

In creating despair in another, the first step is isolation.

If we understand what abuse looks like, it isn’t too difficult to suss it out. The playbook of the abuser is not mysterious. To separate one from his or her family and friends is to limit the voices they can listen to. If the abuser can shut down all of the other relationships and become the center of the victim’s world, he or she can effectively silence any dissension. Despair rings loudly in our minds. It takes fellowship with those who love us to drown it out.

It is worth noting that in every Bible verse in which God is telling His people not to give up hope, He also tells them they are not alone. “Be not dismayed I, the Lord, am with you,” says Isaiah 41:10. In God’s playbook for humans, creating community is paramount. Community and fellowship create fertile soil for hope.

Emotional abusers seek to destroy any sense of competence.

The purpose of the constant criticism and belittling is to impress upon a victim their complete helplessness to escape. Really hopelessness and helplessness work hand in hand within the heart of a victim. The belief is that not only do they have no one to run to, but they couldn’t make it in the real world if they tried. To feel powerless is to lose one’s ability to even dream about escape.

What eventually convinced me that I could make it on my own with four daughters was another single mother. I didn’t tell her my situation, but I knew that she made the same amount of money as I did. I knew that her ex did not pay much support. If she could do it, so could I. As soon as I got home, the degradations caused my self-doubt, but every time I saw her, I remembered that it was doable.

Pessimism is the fuel for despair.

Most abusers tend to be pessimistic. Ironically, this pessimism is not directed at their own lives. The grandiose inner world of the narcissist generally insulates them from directly facing the truth about themselves. However, pessimism is a useful tool for controlling another. The constant negativity typically displayed by abusers helps convince their victims that even if they did escape, their lives would not be much better and probably a lot worse.

I know that for myself, I simply accepted the fact that I would be alone. Ten years of the deliberate indoctrination of despair led me to believe that I was unlovable. And with four daughters in tow, I was also completely off the market. It is revealing that I had gotten to the point of preferring loneliness to marriage. But the fear hammered into me by my abuser drowned out any possibility that I could be loved.

Discouragement breeds despair.

Hannah Whitall Smith, my favorite Quaker, once said that All discouragement is from the devil. I think she was on to something. Abusers magnify the mistakes and missteps of their victims in order to discourage them. A discouraged person often becomes a passive one. A person with agency is empowered to move forward. But the power of discouragement is that one begins to accept that not only is it impossible to move forward due to the constantly growing list of limitations and faults but that there is nothing to move towards.

The loss of one’s faith and sense of purpose is the final destination of despair.

Hope, faith, and love. These are the three greatest virtues. Interesting then that the abuse seeks to implant despair, disillusionment, and self-loathing. I wish I could convince each of the men and women that come to me for advice that the fight they are in is really a fight for faith, hope, and love. It is as vital a struggle as any war between good and evil that the movies bring to life. Even more so, since the evil is focused on destroying whatever light God has graced us with.

This post is for those who are caught in abuse. No matter what your abuser says, I know that these things are true:

1: You are lovable. Your mistakes do not disqualify you from deep and genuine love.

2: You are not alone. Many wonderful men and women escape lives of misery to find meaningful relationships.

3: Fighting for your freedom is worth it.

4: If you live in perpetual despair, seek help. Your situation may be terrible, but it isn’t hopeless. You are not helpless. Your life has great meaning and your fight against despair has eternal purpose.

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