Loyalty vs Casting Pearls before Narcissists

A reader recently asked a question about the line between healthy loyalty and codependency.

I didn’t have an immediate answer so I took some time to really think about it. I looked up the definition of loyalty and it surprised me a little. The first word listed is devotion. The next words are more familiar; faithfulness, allegiance, support. Those rang truer to me until I began to remember my relationship with my narcissistic ex-husband.

A turning point in my heart came when I heard a preacher say We worship what we fear. The words messed with me because I was trying to follow Jesus. I considered myself as worshiping only Him. But the truth is that I was terrified of my husband. I slaved for him in order to avoid his wrath. And I didn’t just fear him, I feared divorce.  Like the pagans serving their angry gods, I slaved for him out of terror.

My parents and the grandparents on my maternal side, and their parents had never gotten a divorce. Just the word divorce had my gut clenching in shame and anxiety. My allegiance clearly lay with the status quo and marriage to my now ex.  The word devotion suggests a deep emotional attachment. I certainly did not have that towards my husband. Any love had long since vanished like a plant given no light, air, or water.

But to the outsider, I appeared devoted, loyal. In truth, fear held me captive. One night, I dreamt that whenever I tried to do anything, a ghostly hand would appear at my elbow. I still remember its grip in my dream as it yanked me back from leaving our farm in Kentucky. Over and over again, it pulled me back. For a while, I could not fathom what the dream meant. God’s sense of humor prevailed, however, and the words stronghold of fear came into my spirit. I was under the grip of fear.

My loyalty to my marriage was nothing more than an idol. I feared what the family and outsiders thought more than I feared for the safety of my children. I feared to be a single mom of four more than I feared the terrible consequences of enduring abuse year after year. Now I understand some things about loyalty that make more sense than the blind fear I labeled loyalty for over a decade.

1: Loyalty is reciprocal.

My ex-husband sat on the stairs of our home about a month before I escaped for good. I had repented of making him an idol in faith for I still feared him. I overheard him saying terrible things about me to his parents, to our friends, to anyone who would listen. I looked at him and said You have no loyalty. He said nothing because it was true and he knew it. If we are loyal to someone who shows us none, it is time to rethink our allegiance. Any devotion we may feel towards them will not last. Betrayal is poisonous soil and love will not grow in it.

2: Fear isn’t loyalty. Fear is bondage.

If we hold on to a relationship out of terror, our allegiance is misplaced. This requires careful self-reflection. Are we staying in a relationship because we fear them? I knew what my ex was capable of. Leaving him meant casting all my faith in God and my family. The faith required to believe in the provision for my daughters and myself seemed out of reach. But the feeling of total emotional and physical enslavement was killing me. In fact, I still bear the physical ramifications of emotional abuse. But facing that fear is the biggest and best thing I have ever done.

3: Loyalty tells the truth.

If we participate in relationships in which we cannot be truthful, remaining in them is not an act of loyalty that will be rewarded. True love is able to express one’s reality and to listen to another’s reality. This is done in order to ensure justice within the relationship. There is no love without justice my father once told me. I believe it is true. We support one another by telling the truth. Anything else is a fragile system that will collapse. One does not build a relationship with half-truths and fear.

4: Real allegiance is freely given.

Whenever someone demands that I trust them, I hesitate. Trust isn’t something that is given; trust is something earned. Neither trust nor devotion is an all or nothing proposition.  Trust and loyalty are built up slowly over time. If someone demands complete loyalty, then it isn’t allegiance they want. They want control. And control kills love and devotion every time. Freedom is at the basis of our creation. A free will ensures the possibility of love while seizing what should only be given lays the groundwork for emotional blackmail, bitterness, and hatred.

So I guess the answer to the difference between codependence and loyalty is a bit complicated. Do we experience devotion or fear? Can we express ourselves within the relationship or are we propping up a regime that is dedicated to our emotional enslavement?  Codependence is being far more dedicated to someone else’s life than they are. My faithful service to my ex-husband was out of a mistaken belief that my devotion would change him. And my dedication was founded on terror.

Now that I am in a real marriage, I can see the difference so clearly. My husband and I are very careful of one another’s feelings. We never bad mouth the other. We are both dedicated to each other’s destiny fulfillment. I can tell him the whole unvarnished truth. I feel free to love and be loved and that ghostly grip? It’s gone. In June we will celebrate fifteen years of faithful marriage in joy. Praise the Lord.

Eight Signs You are a Trustworthy Person

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