Self-Awareness vs Narcissism: How to Tell the Difference

Self-awareness is to sensitivity as narcissism is to self-absorption. Many make the mistake of glossing over the term self-awareness as one of those jargon words like facilitate, monetize, or self-actualization.  Christians, in particular, are often suspicious of any word that begins with self. We forget that the injunction to love others as we love ourselves presupposes necessary self-love.  But self-awareness is the polar opposite of narcissism.

Narcissism projects onto the world an image, while the true self, like the portrait hidden in Dorian Grey’s attic, grows less recognizable with time.  The cry of the narcissist is “I have been cheated!”  Narcissists seek to escape themselves. Those with even a modicum of self-awareness look carefully to see what is true about themselves and the world around them.

The first characteristic of self-awareness is the ability to perceive accurately the effect that one has on others. 

We all know someone who is too loud or rude, interrupting conversations or throwing temper tantrums inappropriately.  We judge them silently precisely because of their lack of self-awareness. But do you truly know the effect you have on those around you?  Do the people in your sphere of influence know more than shallow surface things about you? More importantly, do you know what people experience when they are around you? Secondly, is it generally good?

The mantra of I don’t care what people think sounds great, but Paul admonished Christians to be all things to all men.  The Bible talks about the importance of a good reputation quite clearly.  We live in community, whether at work, at home, or with friends.  People-pleasers lose themselves for acceptance, and consequently do not leave much of an impression. They are too busy hiding behind the invisibility cloak of shame. Narcissists hold everyone hostage with their charm, at least at first. They discard any uncomplimentary reviews of their performance because it doesn’t jive with their view of themselves.

A less direct way of being narcissistic is to obsess on how others see us at the point at which we become paralyzed. This particular narcissistic phase begins in middle school and eventually works its way out with maturity. If it doesn’t it can become full-blown social anxiety where we agonize over words spoken out of turn for years on end. Self-awareness is a healthy middle ground. Living in community means we can make our presence felt without having to resort to attention-seeking behavior. It also means we can ask for forgiveness when we mess up and extend that forgiveness to ourselves.

To live in denial is to lack self-awareness at all. 

To blame others for your life is to reduce your life to being a mere object, on which the whims of a cruel world are enacted.  But we are people capable of agency, not objects.  Where we are in life is, in part, a result of our decisions. Narcissists live in complete denial. They consume those around them. When their victims have nothing left to give, they blame them for failing to fix their internal emptiness. The other path to denial is simply to ignore what is true rather than blame it on others. This too leads us away from self-awareness. The danger here is that we end up doing many things that harm others or ourselves and never face the uncomfortable truths staring us in the face.

A primary characteristic of self-awareness is the possession of core values.  Core values and the experiences that helped form those are what make up a personal identity.  When people say they are looking for themselves, they are in one of two positions.  Either they have not had enough experiences yet to know what they believe, or they are shirking the commitment that comes with belief.  The first is to be expected, especially of the young.  The second is generally made up of those who do not want to be tied down to a particular identity.  That way leads to the burying of the true self. Someone who possesses their own souls knows what they stand for, knows what hills they are willing to die on. Self-awareness means taking moral stands and acting from a place of understanding rather than simply reacting to stimuli.

You cannot be authentic when you are busy denying who you are.

The last characteristic I want to mention is that of personal destiny.  A person with a highly developed sense of self-awareness is one who understands their gifting and their effect on others. They know who they are and what they believe and develop a conviction that their life has a larger purpose.  A person with a sense of destiny or purpose develops a passion for a cause or a vocation. They want their lives to continue to impact others long after they are gone.

The highest level of self-awareness is atonement. Atonement is to shoulder on oneself the burdens of a group of people. Martin Luther King, Jr. had a sense of destiny that carried him to a place where he took on the burdens of his people. Jesus is the very essence of atonement. Being God Himself, He took on the burdens of all. The narcissist wants everyone else to shoulder the burden of his or her life. Narcissism abdicates responsibility for the self, much less others. Fully developed self-awareness is taking full responsibility for one’s life which includes the effects one has on others. God models self-awareness for us. He makes His presence known.

 God’s first words about Himself are “I Am that I Am.”

This may seem like an extreme example but it is one that scripture gives us. The devil, the original narcissist, wants to siphon off the glory of God for himself. This inevitably costs him his own glory, just as narcissists tend to fade as time goes on. Their victims grow wiser and fewer in number.

Lastly, self-awareness is fluid and pertains to many different areas in our lives.  While one may have a high level of self-awareness financially, being careful to save and to give, one may lack in self-awareness in health matters.  Eating unhealthily affects more than just oneself, after all, as does being limited in the ability to give and receive love, or being unable to hold down a job due to a lack of self-discipline.

The good and bad news is that self-awareness is a lifetime project.

Until Jesus returns to make all things truly new, including our very selves, self-awareness, like salvation, is often a matter of fear and trembling. 

Want to develop more self-awareness?  Reach out, question, even risk.  Catalog yourself, admit to your emotions, learn to face your fears.  Learn to be vulnerable to others. To grow is to face the prospect of pain, but to stagnate is to stop living while you wait to die. I often ask people how they see me. One counselor friend told me that I regularly seem anxious. Until she said that I wasn’t even aware of my anxiety. It is risky to ask others how they experience us. We may not like what we hear. But just as my daughters and I have an honesty rule when it comes to trying on clothing, we need people around us who can point out gaps in our awareness. Truth may sting, but would we really rather not know about our bad breath, staring habit, or a tendency to make others uncomfortable with our (fill in the blank)?

Want a quick test to see if you are on the right track?  If you read the whole article, you have already begun to evaluate the major areas of your life, spiritual, physical, relational, educational, etc… for self-awareness.  Good job.  You are already on your way.

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