Six Toxic Responses to Boundaries

Toxic people dislike boundaries the way my cats hate a closed door. They figure it is their right to come and go as they please. The ripped up carpet and scratches on my door attest to their utter determination to have their way. The cats, that is. Toxic people usually damage far more than just a rug and a couple of doors.

I suppose learning how to erect healthy boundaries always includes a learning curve. I, for one, did not anticipate the ruthlessness and perseverance with which toxic people attempt to discredit, tear down, and generally disrespect boundaries. But I have learned to spot the usual toxic strategies. I can’t stop anyone from being abusive or a jerk, but I can limit my relationship with them to enforce those emotional and physical fences I need to feel safe.

I compiled this list for myself so that I could observe the reactions of those around me. When I say no or otherwise indicate a limit, I carefully note the responses of those affected. I also use this list as a guideline of what not to do when others make requests of me. No one likes no for an answer, even me.

Toxic Response #1: Anger

If someone immediately takes umbrage at my no, I need to recognize what they are communicating. They are letting me know that my time, my money, my boundary integrity doesn’t matter to them. In essence, I am less important than what they want. If my limit incites fury on someone else’s part, that is about them, not me.

It took me a while to realize that I don’t need to justify myself. If I don’t want to attend an event or donate my time or money to something, I can say no. I realize that sometimes I do things I don’t want to do to build up a relationship. However, if I have to fight hard to enforce a boundary, my trust levels decrease accordingly.

Toxic Response #2: Bringing up past grievances to prove we don’t deserve a boundary.

Family can be somewhat notorious for this. I, like most people, have said and done things I wish I hadn’t. Even now, I am figuring out what my margins look like. When family or friends bring up reasons why we don’t deserve a boundary, i.e., various mistakes we have made, regrettable things we have said, the essential communication is that our past renders our present unalterable. Because I once was a pushover, I now must always be one.

Another issue is that it does not allow for growth. If we know our triggers, then when we choose to avoid situations that cause unnecessary pain, that is genuine self-care. Toxic people often find authentic self-care offensive. When we act like we matter, it offends people who don’t think we do.

Unhealthy Response #3: Acting as if the boundary didn’t exist.

Ignoring boundaries is the hallmark of toxicity. This test of boundary integrity requires firmness. This type of denial is, in reality, a denial of our personhood. One of the ways objectification works is to act as if someone does not have a voice. The way that works is by ignoring what they have said. If I say I don’t want someone to come over and the next moment they are banging on my door, I am not a person to them, but a challenge.

If those around us see our limits as challenges to overcome, then we need to reconsider our choices. Do we need anyone in our life who sees our good fences as obstacles to tear down? It is hard work to build a strong wall. We don’t need people in our lives that dedicate themselves to ripping them (and us) apart.

Unhealthy Response #4: Recruiting others to help discredit the boundary.

If your family or group of friends rally to bring our boundaries down, it is an assault on our integrity or wholeness. I regularly have students who are the first in their families to go to college. Sometimes the family is supportive. Sometimes they have what I call the Crab Pot Syndrome. Crabs in a boiling pot of water will pull those attempting to escape back into the boiling water. So too, some family and friends cannot tolerate any attempts to succeed on the part of others.

This discrediting looks like extreme pessimism, well-developed arguments about why college is a waste of money, accusations of arrogance, and lectures on being a burden to others. But it doesn’t matter what the issue is. If the people in your life are toxic, they will spend time trying to convince you to stay in an abusive relationship, to eat unhealthily, to have a drink, or to go to one last party. All attempts to change the circumstances of one’s life meet with resistance, argument, temptation, and disdain.

Toxic Response #5: Guilt

Guilt is one of the most effective tools of the toxic person. If they remind us of all that they have done for us, or all of the trouble we have caused them, in essence, they turn the relationship into an economic exchange. Our flaws and mistakes are a permanent liability, never to be forgotten. We will always be in debt. Ironically, the errors of a toxic person are not on the table. They demand instant and total forgiveness.

But guilt succeeds where anger and disrespect often don’t. Many women end up compromising themselves sexually because their refusals of unwanted touch are called mean and cold. I wish I could go back to my high school years with the internal knowledge I now have. I would have a very different response to if you loved me, you would (fill in the blank).

Toxic Response #6: Silence

The silent treatment is emotional abuse. It has the same effect on the brain as screaming foul names at someone, believe it or not. The silent treatment is essentially punishment. If we set a healthy boundary and the response is to create a breach in the relationship, what is it but retaliation? I am not talking about a temporary need for emotional space. The silent treatment involves avoiding eye contact, refusing to answer questions, closed-off body language, or leaving for hours at a time without telling anyone where one is going. The disapproval is clear.

For some, exercising their ‘no’ muscle is second nature. For others, like myself, there is a steeper learning curve. Letting our yes be yes and our no be no is a skill Jesus himself advocated. He never defended his decisions or tried to convince others to change theirs. And when the toxic Pharisees tried to trip him up, he never recanted his position. I know that Jesus experienced every trick in the book when it came to boundaries. All he had to do to avoid the cross is pretend he wasn’t who he was. But Jesus’ identity in and with the Father was not up for negotiation. And neither should our identities be.

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