What is Fawning and How to Stop

When I first heard the term fawning, described as a trauma response, it hit me pretty hard. An empathetic and desperately self-conscious kid, I eventually grew into an empathetic and self-conscious adult. Marrying a narcissist did nothing to help, and I soon learned to become a people pleaser as a survival tactic. And for a long time after I escaped from my abuser, I didn’t question it. It had become second nature.

I tolerated uncomfortable and even abusive relationships in my work and personal life, often falling prey to what I call quasi-narcissists. These people in our lives are self-centered but occasionally have the grace to feel guilty about it. They often have narcissistic behaviors but without the malevolence of the personality disorder. They aren’t particularly evil, just weak enough to take advantage of the weak boundaries others have in place.

In my head, I was returning good for evil. I fancied myself showing a good example to people who didn’t seem to know any better. But, really, I was acting codependently, making sure everyone around me was happy. I thought it was for their sake, but it was for me. I needed people always to be happy to feel safe. It took an excellent therapist to see that my people-pleasing wasn’t righteous, my preferred spin on it. Instead, it was a broken bid for survival. And it was a symptom of complex post-traumatic stress disorder or C-PTSD.

I often had friends and coworkers marvel at my self-control and patience around challenging people. It was something of a point of pride for me. As a teacher, I sometimes tolerated late papers and half-hearted attempts at essays, not for the sake of my students but to avoid conflicts that seemed overwhelming.

The fawning response is a learned response, somewhat related to helplessness. Conflict is never fair when in a relationship with a parent or partner who is a narcissist. Instead, the abuser adopts the position of win at all costs. To lose is intolerable to them. And suppose one gives even a bit of pushback to an unreasonable request. In that case, the narc will escalate to the point of violence—no wonder those caught in the vicious cycle of abuse become spineless.

And sometimes, the message we receive from the church, instead of inviting us into healthier places, places a heavy burden of shame on the backs of abuse victims. I have heard many sermons on being pleasers of God rather than man and punished myself accordingly. But fortunately, my encounters with Jesus have never led to condemnation. Instead, I learned to become curious about my responses, knowing God is deeply interested in my healing.

The first time I became aware of how much weight I placed on the happiness of others as it concerned my safety was at a Costco. I had just had my pupils dilated for an exam and couldn’t wear my contact lenses. I am severely near-sighted and cannot see much beyond a couple of feet. As I walked around with my kids, I felt a surge of panic. At first, I thought it was just because I couldn’t see. But as I continued looking at the fuzzy faces passing me, I realized something. I couldn’t see anyone’s faces and, thus, couldn’t gauge my safety. I couldn’t see if there were angry people to avoid. Just as anxiety-producing for me, I couldn’t see who was smiling at me. My tendency to over-smile at strangers was a part of that fawning response.

I was utterly dependent on my observations of people for my sense of safety. I couldn’t smile at everyone to tell them I wasn’t a threat. That day was a turning point for me. I began to be aware of my need to assess everyone around me to mitigate possible threats. As a general rule, pleasing everyone doesn’t make anyone safer. Instead, it invites those who know how to take advantage of those of us unlikely to defend ourselves.

Recently, I watched a woman describe how she laughed when a man said something sexually inappropriate. She didn’t laugh because she thought it was funny but because she felt awkward and afraid. She thought if she laughed, he would be more likely to stop. The therapist interviewing her pointed out that she gave the classic fawning response. Abusers know that you have been abused before if you don’t respond to abusive statements or shrug them off with a laugh. If you hadn’t been abused, your initial reaction to an unwelcome comment or touch would have been outrage.

Ironically, the fawning response we develop to keep ourselves safe becomes the tip-off to would-be abusers that we are open to business. I wish I could count how many times I endured grooming behavior from people fishing to see if I could be easily taken advantage of.

So how do we stop this cycle? I can only tell you what my journey was. Fawning becomes second nature to us and even more so to people like myself who are somewhat passive or compliant. But maybe my process will work for you. Remember, healing is a journey, not a quick fix. But it has helped me become stronger from the inside out. I am less dependent on approval and more likely to ask myself whether or not I approve of others. I take my time choosing friends and am not in a hurry to make everyone around me happy. After all, happiness is an individual responsibility.

1: I learned to notice the beginning signs of fawning.

I slow down at the first little nudge of anxiety when dealing with someone. I take note of my feelings and then determine where the lack of safety comes from. Am I dealing with someone angry? If so, I take a step back. If they are venting about something they don’t like, I determine if I feel like giving them my time. If they are angry because I said no or if they are trying to use anger to manipulate me into doing something I don’t want to do, I need to consider my next step. But I know how to notice the urge to appease someone. I no longer immediately jump to making them feel better, knowing that isn’t always healthy for me.

The Proverbs say, “Appease an angry man, and you’ll do it again.” I keep that in mind. Another way to translate this is appease an angry man, and he will know that you are a pushover. He will use anger again to get what he wants. I need a spine if I want to avoid being pushed around.

2: I recognize my worth.

Nobody deserves abuse. Manipulation, rages, and emotional pressure, all abuse tactics, were used to trigger my fawning response—anything to stop the behavior. I failed to recognize that this only encouraged the behavior. It might have worked at the moment, but the behavior would always repeat itself. I don’t deserve to be on the merry-go-round of the abuse cycle. So I don’t criticize myself for feeling the momentary urge to make it all better for whoever is showing me who they are.

Instead, I recognize that while the urge to be the answer to everyone’s problems may never entirely leave me, I don’t have to put up with the temper tantrums around me. By tolerating poor behavior, I send out the message that I don’t expect to be treated with dignity and respect. But I am worthy, and I do deserve the same respect with which I treat others. And so do you.

3: I face my fear and institute healthy boundaries.

The only way to overcome a fear of others is to do and say the things you fear will make them hate you but that you know you should do and say anyway. Instituting healthy boundaries is an art and a discipline. I read books and books on the topic because, honestly, I wasn’t sure what a healthy boundary actually was. At first, they seemed mean, particularly when I got the guilting treatment in exchange. And at first, I had to learn to fight for them.

Expect that when you put down a healthy boundary to someone, their first reaction will be to try to push it down. After all, you haven’t exhibited a backbone before. Surely, they reason, they will be able to push this one down. But I learned to let the people go that wouldn’t take my no for an answer. I learned to withdraw my trust and company from those who treated my painfully earned boundaries as hurdles to overcome.

I encourage you to have some compassion for yourself and your journey. Handling conflict and anger is something we are supposed to develop over time. Like weight lifting, we are supposed to start with very light weights, beginning when we are young. If we are exposed to abusive fury, especially when young, it is as if we are given five-hundred-pound weights when we can’t lift five. It would damage our bodies to try to lift weights that are far too heavy. And it damages our minds, bodies, and spirits to be subjected to the extreme weight of narcissistic abuse.

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