Grief: Five Pitfalls that Stall the Healing Process

Grief recovery is an uncomfortable topic for many. We skirt around those who have suffered grievous loss, afraid that we will say the wrong thing. But just as a little research will help anyone learn to validate and support a grieving friend, help is also available for those who must journey through serious grief. The Grief Recovery Handbook is just such a resource and in it, I learned a lot about how to complete a cycle of grief.

The first topic within the book is about how various types of pitfalls keep us from fully grieving and completing the relationship that has been severed, whether through death or divorce. Other types of trauma are included as well. I really appreciate that trauma is recognized as something to grieve. My own trauma necessitated some serious grieving.

So here are some of the misconceptions we carry when we are forced through our own private tunnels of grief. I recognized some of them in me and thought others might, too.

Replacement:

One of my complaints about how the book of Job is often treated has to do with the topic of grief. When one loses all of one’s children in a single day, the shock would be traumatic and the recovery lengthy. Yet often, preachers unknowingly reinforce one of the most serious pitfalls in grief; the idea that one can simply replace a loss. When the fact that Job had more children, many use the word replaced, as in God replaced Job’s children. But none of his original children are replaceable.

We often try to replace lost loved ones. We buy a new puppy or kitten. Some men and women remarry quickly, without giving themselves time to grieve the spouse they lost to death or divorce. And while they may enjoy the new relationship, the grief is only deferred. Grief will happen and a new husband or wife will not necessarily understand.

Sometimes we have to submit to grieving our loss because simply replacing what is gone is not possible. We will only lengthen our wrestling with grief if we continue on to new relationships without giving the prior one its due.

Enshrinement:

One of the temptations in the grief process is to turn the lost loved one into a saint. Any difficulties with them fade out of view (if not memory) and we believe we honor them if all we remember is the very best about them. While we certainly do not want to tout our dead loved one’s failings, grief requires honesty. Most of our relationships, especially familial ones, are complicated. We often have unresolved conflicts with parents, spouses, or adult children who have passed.

If we do not honestly work to let those issues go, taking time to forgive, to request forgiveness, and to thank or express gratitude, we prolong our process. The authors of The Grief Recovery Handbook suggest writing a letter to the deceased, outlining the above. The benefit is that our minds and hearts are able to heal after addressing these uncompleted emotional transactions. Enshrinement requires us to deny what our hearts actually feel with all its pain and nuance. We can’t let go what we refuse to acknowledge.

Bedevilment:

Bedevilment is the opposite of enshrinement and acts in much the same way. When we suffer the loss of a marriage, for instance, bedevilment seems a safe way out of the pain. If we turn our ex-spouse into a monster, then we protect ourselves from the very real pain of rejection and betrayal. Only someone we truly love can hurt us so terribly. Refusing to acknowledge a once very real bond only seems like a safe bet.

Writing a letter can also be a helpful tool here.  Forgiving the harm done by another does not require reconciliation. Rather, if we let go of the wrath, we clear the decks for emotional healing to come in. Repeating one’s litany of wounds is part of the process, but to continue for years repeating the same monologue is re-traumatizing.

Isolation:

In the case of the gentleman I mentioned above, he attended a couple of grief counseling sessions at the request of his daughters. He found just the two sessions so helpful, he didn’t go back. I thought that was regrettable, but also revealing. Grief recovery is best done with others. We are not often taught to grieve well.  I suppose it is a natural response to hide in a corner and lick our wounds. Additionally, we often revert to being Job’s comforters when confronted by the devastation of others. And when it is our turn, we isolate ourselves to avoid having to face the awkward condolences of people who just want to pretend everything is ok.

But in a setting where we have others tackling their grief, we learn we don’t have to face it alone. Facing devastation alone is the most common strategy and the least effective. Just a couple of sessions were so healing, that the man didn’t feel he needed more. Could it be that counselors who have studied methods that help us through our darkest hours know something we don’t?

Guilt:

Guilt is such a plastic emotion. It shrinks and expands to fit so many situations. We who are left to grieve often feel guilt at surviving, guilt at being relieved, and guilt for our anger. I believe that much of the guilt that we feel is due to false expectations when it comes to experiencing sorrow. We think we are supposed to feel a certain way or we shove grief into a box shaped like the stages of grief. By the way, the Kubler-Ross stages of grief only apply to those who are dying. Somehow culture appropriated it as a way to explain (and minimize) grief.

Guilt is an unwelcome emotion when one expects to just feel sad. But again, the expression of that guilt is crucial to the healing process. How can you heal if you never look at the wound? Ignoring injuries only allows them to worsen.

I believe in grief recovery.  I believe that we can heal from our losses to the point where they do not cause us disruptive and continuous pain. How long that takes is dependent on so many things. But if you remember one thing from this post, I hope it is that serious obstacles can keep you trapped in serious pain. A life lived in twilight is not the will of our Father for us. We will never forget what or who we lost, but surely God does not want us to live in a state of permanent blight.

Coming Home to Yourself

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